I would like to say hello and introduce myself. I have read this forum for a while, didn’t know that it existed till some one showed me it, (fellow rebel) about a year ago. So when I got on line a few months ago I thought that I would see what goes on here. I must say that I love the sharp wit and how supportive you people are. It’s a great little community and you should all be very proud of yourselves. So many have come such a long way.
I was wondering if you could help. I am in a bit of a difficult situation and I have seen the help that you guys have done for other people and I was wondering if I could ask the same being I am in a little trouble. My story so far needs to be said to give the background that is needed so that you can see where I am right now. See what you think……..
I am caught in a similar position to many that I have seen and read on this site. I was in the "truth" since I was small (about 4 or so) and I went along till I was in my mid teens, when my family fell out of the organization. The exposure to the "truth" shaped my mind to its way of thinking and that was then going to influence my life from then on. But I must say, I didn’t hate being in the truth back then and it was in some way quite a comfort for me. I was a very endearing child and so everyone at the hall liked me, even though I was shy. This is sounding like a "truth" success story but this is the reason why the "truth" didn’t seem so bad.
The school that I went to was very brutal. It wasn’t a Catholic school as such, it just had some very militant Catholic’s that worked there. They were a tight group and were all likeminded. You get on the bad side of one and you had them all to deal with. Not the best odds for the only witness within 10 miles of the place. I suffered 4 very long years of quite intense physical violence and abuse at their hands from the age of 7 through to 11, just because of the religion of my parents. It was very violent and being a witness, I had few friends to help and support. In fact, the teachers in the classroom used to set the other pupils against me with ridicule more often than not. If that was not happening then I was sent out of the class, just because the teacher "didn’t even want to look at me". That was ok till one of the other teachers would walk by, with you standing outside the classroom, and they would tut, shake their head at you, and look at you with distain. Wouldn’t like to think of how many months I spent out in the corridor. It was quite isolating. These are just a few things that happened. I could go on with so much more, but you get the sense of it….
So the question you may ask is why did I not tell my witness parents about what was going on. Well the next problem there was the fact that my family was rather dysfunctional. We had the material needs but as for anything else, there was no real input at all. So this means that home life was not too good either. I was the youngest of my brothers and therefore the punch bag. So I was then getting it at home as well. My brother, whom I shared a room with, was very mixed up and would take his problems out on me, being the only outlet for him I suppose. But there was many a night he would torment me when the bedroom lights were out, and again, like school, there was quite a bit of violence and intimidation.
Now the way that my parents dealt with it all was to look the other way. Their own problems in life meant they didn’t have the know how or emotional energy to face, or even see, the problems that I was having to deal with. So I don’t know weather it was the fact that they didn’t see what was going on or the fact that they didn’t want to see what was going on. But what gets me now is thinking about how many times I used to come home from school, sometimes with blood all in my hair, highlighted very much with how blonde, almost white my hair was, and they didn’t see what the problem was. I never told them direct what was going on at the school because of the intimidation that I was under. It sounds stupid to most people, but I used to lie to my parents about how these injuries happened because I thought if I told them the truth of what was going on then I would be in trouble. So I kept everything in and dealt with life on my own, using the coping mechanisms that a child of 8 or so has. Trouble there is you stop growing as a child, and you just hang on and survive.
At the age of 12 we moved from that town and it was a lot easier for a while. Then we dropped out the "truth", which I was so glad of because then I didn’t have to get up on Sunday. Yes!!!!! I got on with things the best I could, but there were going to be problems to come. I was using isolation for a protection and just withdrew from the world around, never learned how to integrate with people, and locked myself away. Not a good move in hindsight…..
Finished my school life, only had one or maybe 2 friends (though not really), people who I knew were safe. Never had girlfriends, classic symptoms of the past abuse. But then at the age of about 20 this bad lifestyle was taking its toll on me. My emotional needs were kicking in and killing me from the inside out. And the emotional isolation was unbearable. So one night, when I was really close to the edge, I was passing the kingdom hall. The memory of the past came to mind, being it was the only safe place of my childhood, where people had shown some amount of affection. I also had taken to heart the prophecies that had been talked about when I went before, and I used to go hot thinking about them on the many occasions that I was on my own. So driving by, I thought that it was the answer to the problems that I had, I would have people that loved me, I would be able to open up and grow emotionally, I could trust these people because they are Gods people at the end of the day. Just the answer for someone who was in a desperate state. And I lived happily ever after. The end………….
I spent the next 8 years going at it before I started to flag a little, the problems that I had were just compounded and then started to come out again. The only problem there is the demand the truth puts on you to perform the criteria it requires of you. What I was able to do started to drop and as there is no real emotional input from the "truth", it was not long before I crashed. Ouch. But what made things JUST sooooo much better was the fact that now, the reason why I felt so bad was because I didn’t love Jehovah enough, confirmed by the "brothers" of course. I don’t need to go on as to what else was said, you will be able to guess. Guilt, self-condemnation, failure, rejection, just about everything the past gave me, but one more, the joy of being rejected and now condemned by god himself. Even he hated me now. The really stupid thing is I was still trying to hold onto the hope for another 6 years, despite the fact that I was not functioning as a JW.
But during those 6 years I started to look into the truth to see why I failed, and found out all that is wrong with the organization. I was lucky to have the "Harp of God", which told me enough of what I needed to know to see through it. The beginning of this year I read books by Raymond Franz and that was the finish of it. So now can I say that I lived happily ever after?
Unfortunately not so. Not only have I lost the wasted years in the "truth", I am now back to the beginning of where I was when I walked into the hall when I was 20. Leaving the truth leaves you with no friends, apart from a few people that are apostates. I shunned the world and have always maintained it to not be a nice place, something childhood taught me. Now the only way that I will get help is to go into it, something I really don’t wish to do but know that I have to. But the problem is that the past has not been healed, and the void and isolation, the total lack of emotional input means that I am in no way capable of integrating into a world that I have been in fear of all my life. So many barriers and no allies. I have lost faith in any God and just don’t know what to think in that regards, and I can’t say that I wish to think anymore about him either. I feel a bit Pis*ed off at him if I’m honest.
So what I need help on is this. I have lost everything, I have nothing and no one, I don’t have faith or God anymore, I have the past inhibiting me from normal functioning, along with the bad lessons taught in the truth. The heart inside me is killing me because of the neglect it has suffered all its life. I am in a bit of a state and just don’t know what to do or where to turn. Desperation and despair has kicked in a few months ago, and is not going away and there is nothing that I can see on the horizon that gives any hope of change. So with hopelessness and meaninglessness, all I have is the childhood ability to just "survive". But that is fine till I worked out I have no reason to. Now I’m in trouble!!!!!!
Sorry this post is so long. I won’t do it again. But any suggestions as to what to do next would really be appreciated. The heart is beyond breaking point. It needs input and any patch work just won’t work. The heart knows what it needs, and is very sick and ill because of never having its needs met. The trouble with the heart is if it dies, then so do you……
Any suggestions and help would really be valued
Not quite the way that I wanted to say hello to everyone, but the above is really taking its toll at the moment. It’s not often I get in this predicament.