what about NOT making new friends...life as a hermit for most part

by oompa 34 Replies latest jw experiences

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    I don't make friends too easily myself.

    I am over 50 now, and that makes it even harder. Still, I have a few friends, or at least good acquaintances in the area. I also have made some real friends on this board over time. Some of them I have never met in person, only on the phone. Others I have met, but don't live in close proximity to, so we are distant friends.

    We need a few people in our lives. At least most of us do. I am half hermit, and half regular guy. I hide the pain that it causes me most of the time, that I have no history with anyone but my family now. Still that is a lot too.

    Hang tough buddy. I would love to get to know you in person. Distance is the problem.

    You are a good person - life outside of the horrible religion we left is tough at times. But it is worth it, and with time, this phase of healing will pass somewhat. Time is our friend in the matter of healing.


  • Open mind
    Open mind

    Hi oompa,

    FWIW, I've shared your feelings at times. But it's always been just a passing thing for me.

    I'm sending you a PM soon.

    Open Mind

  • BFD


    I am sorry that you are going through this. I have not been involved with the JWs for many years. I always had lots of friends and was always very social up until around 2001. I think my mid-life crisis really forced me to re-evaluate my life and as happy as I seemed to everyone on the outside I had been very sad on the inside for a long time. I was only acting happy. I hated my job although it provided well, I grew tired of the 24/7 party atmosphere that I lived most of my life in and, I was lonely after two failed relationships. I completely withdrew from friends and family. I isolated myself but during that time I was soul searching. I was in a deep depression.

    Finally, I just upped and quit my job and drove around the country alone for 3 months with my two dogs. After an extended stay at my adopted grandmother's lake house in Wisconsin I returned home to Florida and sold my house. I wanted out of the fast lane and I headed to the mountains in upstate NY where I live now. I am very much alone but I feel happier inside. I have more peace now then I ever did when I was surrounded by people.

    Although what you are going through is related to your exit from the JWs I just wanted to let you know that it is not a unique situation. It happens to us "worldlys" too. I guess the point of this ramble is that I found out that I didn't need to be surrounded by friends to be happy. I found my inner happiness by spending time alone.

    I would like to have a significant other again and I am taking baby steps in that direction. How could I make someone else happy if I'm not happy myself? Now I think I'm ready for the next step in the journey. I've pretty much been a hermit for 6 years but I am ready to move forward. It has not always been easy living like a hermit but, it allowed me time to listen and to reflect peace. I will never give up this new found inner peace but it doesn't mean I have to remain alone. I want to share it.

    Take as much time as you need. I hope this helps a litte. I'd give you a hug but, your hump freaks me out.


  • Hortensia

    I am a hermit, I have some good friends, but not many, and love to be with them, but also love to come home at night to my quiet empty house. I don't even turn on the television most of the time. I don't know if it is learned or inherited, but that's just how some of us are. I felt sad reading about the disconnect between you and your family, though. I hope that gets better, but no matter what, I understand how you feel.

  • oompa

    Hortensia that is nice. What do you do in the evening alone in the quiet? Read/write/paint or perhaps something else? It sounds nice. I to get tired of the tv being on, and come here or read.


  • ringo5

    BFD said

    How could I make someone else happy if I'm not happy myself?

    I think this is an important point, since we're unlikely to seek out company or friends if we're feeling depressed, if just for the simple reason we don't feel like we're good company ourselves.

    I've often told myself I am happier since leaving the ready-made brotherhood, but I don't think I've been totally honest with myself. I have shared many of your feelings, including the feeling of being worth more dead than alive. In fact the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the fact that I have responsibilities [my daughter]

    There is probably many are reasons for having feelings like these , but for ex JW's, it's likely we share a few of these. One issue I think is that we have not having considered a productive life in the present, and set aside our wants and desires for some shared fantasy for the future. Now that the fantasy is gone , what are our goals, wants and desires?

    It sounds like you might have one desire, and I don't think its selfish to want to take up sailing again. Have you thought about joining a sailing club, possibly buying a small boat (under 20")? They are not all for rich people you know Maybe it's something your son would like to do with you....

    I'm sure your wife and son want you to be happy, and you will serve them much better if you are...


  • Vernon Williams
    Vernon Williams


    I wish I could go sailing...I never have....saw the movie "Wind" and the racing part was so cool...

    On another note: you mentioned JWs were "good" or something like that.

    Here is the base line:

    Almost ALL JWs will lie as a pledge of loyalty to the GB and, thus, they think, to God.

    At the bottom of their hearts they feel a justificaition to falsify information to please a man or men.

    You have removed yourself from the company of this type of person.

    That means your base line and their base line is ninety degress from each other: +

    You intersected with them once. In this universe, if the rules about lines are correct it was a one time encournter.

    Thankfully for you.


  • Shawn10538

    I think that is the saddest story I have ever heard. Yet it's so like my own. The devastation of being disfellowshipped is complete. This is one thing that makes JWs a cult. They strip you of every humsn dignity and leave you desolate, impotent. It is the great sadness of my life that will never, ever heal. It will be an aching in my heart untill the moment I pas on. And there is nothing I can do about it.

  • Hortensia

    When I'm home alone at night, I read, or knit, or hang out on the JWD forum. I get some chores done, sometimes sit outside and look at the view or the stars. I have to talk to people all day long, and it starts to feel like being nibbled to death by ducks after a while. Sometimes when I come home, I just sit and ponder nothing much at all.

    I like to write - it is my form of expression, but it's also part of how I make my living, so I write more in the daytime than at night.

  • wha happened?
    wha happened?

    This has been a difficult adjustment for me as I was very social while active. My wife prefers the loner approach. For her, replacing all the psuedo-friends is unnecessary. I do recommend therapy though. Talking to a therapist who has experience in dealing with individuals who were involved in closed in and controlling religions is putting me in the right direction. Also my wife is still working full time but attending college at night.

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