Boundaries

by The-Borg 21 Replies latest jw friends

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  The-Borg

  It's amazing but since leaving the borg, I've learned to set proper boundaries. It's had a big impact on my personal happiness. This may sound stupid to some people, because 'worldly people' have and respect these boundaries natuarly. But being a witness those boundaries are blurred and I think this can be a source of great angst.

  Examples:

  gossip, I just won't tolerate it anymore. You want to gossip about me fine, but I WILL confront you if i hear about it.

  guilt, I'm not motivated by it. If guilt gets you up in the morning great. But I don't need it in my life thanyou, be on your way.

  my private business is just that, my private business. I dont care how righteous you are, how many hours in field service you do. If you're married to an elder. Its none of you're business. And you know what? I don't need to know you're private business either.

  What boundaries have you discovered or set since leaving or did you always have them?

  .
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  MadTiger

  Many questions that I would answer before are now "Nunya" (AKA None of your [GD business!]).
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  jgnat

  The witnesses just don't "get it". If I won't answer the first time, they keep asking. I'm not obliged to satisfy their burning curiosity.

  Boundaries has helped me immensely in being able to help more people. Having been raised by a narcicisst, I've always dreaded being swamped by other people's problems. When does their life end and mine begin? Since then, I've given myself permission to put limits on a relationship, especially on how many times a day I can be called.

  You know what? People in need respect those boundaries! Often, far better than those closest to me. I am happier and relaxed, and I can be generous if I know I won't be overwhelmed.
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  greendawn

  One of the first things I put limits on was that no one interferes in my sexuality it is all internally decided by me, if I want to have sex without being married then I do so and if for some purely personal reason I decide not to do so then I don't. It is never externally imposed. The two are vastly different, internl decision and external compulsion.
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  megsmomma

  There are 2 things I learned after I left...and they took a while....

  1) Respect for myself and not letting people disrespect me. This issue was mainly with my parents. They still don't show me respect, but, I no longer take it and do not allow them to get to me anymore.

  2) Self Validation....It was tough, since I was used to getting validation for what I was doing from people all my life by pleasing them and doing what was expected of me. Nowdays, if I am content with my choices...I do not need anyone else to tell me if they are or not.

  When I think back to all the "elder interference" I was used to having in my life, it is really like coming out of a whole different world.
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  WTWizard

  When I was a Witless, I used to try to get others to believe in it. And I thought of them as unreasonable when they didn't. Now, I feel that people have every right to believe in what they feel like without any interference. If you wish to believe a lie, that's your prerogative. But if you wish to change your beliefs once you see the real facts, then you should do so--and people should try and validate new beliefs with several independent sources that can be found readily these days on any good search engine.
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  wha happened?

  I think the matter of acting respectful seems to elude a lot of JW's, especially family members that are JW's. I have been called the worst of names at times by my so called brothers. There's this acknowledged code that although one might have some nasty (and most often uncalled for), things to say to u or about u, you have to forgive them. And some brothers really pull some nasty stunts on each other. There's little fear as they know you won't do much about it and unless it's a serial killing the elders will just chalk it up to personal issues between the publishers. On the other hand, growing up "in the world" the motivation to not cross lines was the fear or dread of a "punch in the eye" if one ever crossed lines. Privacy is returning to our lives as the Gestapo doesn't have a hold on us now. We simply will not respond to the many inquiries of our personal life. One thing that matters easier was changing halls right before the fade. The newer elder body knows little about us so no phone calls, visits, or on the rare occasion a meeting attendance the only thing they ask us is if we're visiting.
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  Metamorphosis

  Well I'm still in fade mode - but the biggest new boundry I've set is to not feel obligated to discuss/talk about everything with the elders. If they say they want to stop by or meet I just say No. I don't make up an excuse, i don't say it's a bad time, or let me check my schedule - I simply have nothing to talk about with them right now, thanks for their concern. This was a huge realization that they weren't some special spirit appointed person that I needed to be subservient to. I respect everybody, but no longer am held captive to that concept.

  So that's also made it's way into other aspects of my life - i no longer make excuses to people why I wasn't at a meeting ( or the last 3 weeks of meetings) or where I have been. I tell them thanks for missing me and move on - sometimes leaves a bewildered expression on their face, like 'but, WHY???", but I don't feel the need to explain my every action/inaction anymore.

  Morph
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  OnTheWayOut

  I have learned not to make judgements on others so quickly.

  A JW learns to judge other JW's as weak or strong quickly. He learns to judge outsiders even quicker.
  I was an elder and judged quicker than most rank and file. Weak, strong, independent, or loyal, stuff like
  that.

  Before stepping aside, I had already realized that there was more balance in "weak witnesses." Later, I
  learned that more balance was really less mind-control influence. Also, I was totally able to never make
  snap judgements.

  Without being ignorant, I was able to set the boundary to give people the benefit of the doubt for
  anything. Let proof prove it wrong, not opinion. "Worldly" is not evil.
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  LongHairGal

  This is one of my favorite topics. JWs do not know what the term 'boundaries' means. Maybe they should look it up in the dictionary. Some misguided people there have wrong ideas of what it means to be 'christian' and feel all the open-ness is good but let me tell you, it is not. They will learn the hard way. I was raised 'worldly' and had a healthy self-respect and was not about to give it up for these people.

  In all the years that I was there, I felt they always tried to overstep their boundaries. I agree with you that my business is nobody else's. Their nosiness knew no bounds and every inappropriate question you can think of was asked and, naturally, I had to 'put some people in their place'.

  Unfortunately, if you are a woman this problem is worse because the idiots there seem to think they can walk all over you and your life. If you are single, with no husband to put his hands up and tell people to back off, you will have to be VOCAL and tell people yourself.

  LHG