Great post Changeling!!
Here's a link to the thread you are talking about before it gets buried.
You've got quite a knack for story telling and a creative bent that I envy. Snowbird's right about the spelling, but I'm pretty sure you were just looking for overall impressions on your style. I can easily turn off my "proofreader" eye as far as typos go.
Before I get into an opinion on your style I'd like to say right up front that I think it's great that you're sharing this here. I kind of wish JWD had a little "Aspiring Writers Corner" or something like that. Most of what I post is just fluffy "first thing that crosses my mind" kinds of things. But now and then I try posting something that I've put some time into polishing up just a bit. Soooo....you asked for honesty, so here goes.
It kind of reads like a bit of a screenplay, or perhaps a narration that would be read while the events described unfold on screen. What I'm getting at is there's an emotional distance to what you've written especially since it's written in a 3rd person voice. It's very clever and tongue-in-cheek and I've enjoyed it so far. I think it may become a little tiresome if a whole lot more of the story continued being written in this style. I'm kind of waiting for this "introduction" to end and for the "real life" here and now scenes to start with more emotional "meat on the bones". Does that make sense?
I loved some of the mental images you created! "gallons of onion breath" in particular. Hilarious!
Finally, please take what I say with a big ol' chunk of rock salt. All I did was take a couple English courses in college. Never even got my degree. But I love a good read.
Keep up the good work Changeling!!