FOR A GOOD TIME... CALL

tula

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/142628/1.ashx

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changeling

The role of tula will be played by Kirstie Alley when she falls off her Weight Watcher's diet.

She is a JW with OCD and her primary compulsion is food.

She has recently tried cannibalism and rather likes it.

She has a particular taste for traveling overseers and their wives.

The Society has yet to solve all the dissapearences of CO's in Wyoming's Circuit 5.

Meanwhile, tula gets bigger and bigger every six months or so.

Tula was never thin. As a child her mom used to think one day she'd lose her "baby fat". But somehow she never did. So she went from having just "baby fat" to "large boned", by the time she was 13 or so.

She always had a penchant for food. Being the only child of parents who did not go out of their way to entertain her, food was sometimes her only source of fun and companionship.

Add to this the fact that she was raised as a JW, in Buthole, Wyoming and you can just feel the loneliness.

When she was very young, the CO and his wife always stayed with her family when they came to visit their remote neck of the woods. Even though they were adults and engaged exclusively in the"ministry", Tula enjoyed and even looked forward to these visits as they provided a break in her very dreary routine.

to be continued...

tula

Fun Foods

changeling

Tula was a very orderly little girl. She kept her room tiddy and neat and lined up her dolls in order on her bookshelf. It annoyed her to no end when other little girls would come over and play and mess up her room. Particularly distressing were the little girls who liked to take the clothes of the Barbie dolls and take them in the bathtub. This ruined their long silky hair and they just looked like Phyllis Diller with big boobs forever after.

One time, when Tula was about 9 years old, a new CO came to town. He was a hulking, annointed, German fellow with a large nose and elephant ears. He had a quiet, wrinkley wife, with a dowager hump.

As usual, Tula had to give up her room and sleep on the cot in her dad's office so the CO and his wife could be more comfortable. She did not usually mind this. This visit was to be different.

This CO layed down some "house rules". He believed TV viewing was evil. He once caught tula watching a very old episode of Superman and told her dad she was "watching lies". "People can't fly!" "The TV lies!". Tula's dad did not patricularly agree, but he liked his position as congregation servant so much he was not about to rock the boat with such and influencial CO as this. So, from then on, TV viewing was curtailed when this particular CO was around.

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That was not the only thing that bugged Tula about this CO. He had a fondness for raw onions and insisted he be served some with every meal. Actually, he would ask for an onion and a knife. He would then start cutting the onion into thin slices, right through the skin. He would remove the skin from each individual slice. This habit gave the man the most horrendous halitosis imaginable and little Tula was forced to breathe in his stale, second hand, onion breath.

Tula and her family had the "priviledge" of being invited to each meal the friends prepared for the CO. This in itself was a delight, as most of the sisters were excellent cooks and Tula had already developed a deep love affair with food. However, this CO had a deep distaste for children. He would always serve himself first and pass the dishes around to all the adults. By the time the serving platters got to little Tula, often there was very little left to chose from.

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On the third or fourth visit of this CO to Tula's dreary little town, her dad, the gregarious congregation servant, decided to do something different. He decided that on Sunday afternoon, after the meeting and field service, they would host a pig roast. He started a large fire in their yard and went of to the butcher to fetch the pig. He left Tula in charge of watching that the fire did not get out of hand.

Tula was absentmindedly staring into the fire and occassionaly poking it with a long stick when the CO came up behind her. He startled her so badly she must have jumped 3 feet in the air. He snickered under his breath and planted himself directly between Tula and the fire. He crossed his arms, looked down his long nose at Tula and proceded to give her the third degree. In his deep voice and German accent he said: "Tula, 'vy' do you have so many toys in your room?" "I don't know...because I like them, I guess", mumbled Tula. "Ven I vas a little boy in Chermany, I had no toys, and my sister, she had only von doll. Ve ver werry happy. You are a spoiled little girl", growled the CO.

Just then, he took a small step back and stumbled on one the rocks that circled the fire pit.

changeling

Before Tula realized what has happening, the CO had fallen flat on his back into the roaring fire. He must of hit his head and knocked himself out when he fell, as he just lay motionless in the middle of the fire.

Tula was paralyzed with fear. She could not seem to move or even scream for help. She just watched in horror as the CO was consumed by the flames. All of sudden, she came to her senses and ran to fetch a pail of water( her name should have been Jill). Back and forth she ran with pails half full of water, as by the time she got to the fire she had always spilled most of its contents.

When the fire died out she inched over to the CO and poked him with the stick. He did not respond, and except for the faint odor of polyester from his suit, he gave off a smell not unlike roast goat. You may scoff at this, but roast goat is actually quite delicious. Don't nock it till you try it.

Tula then grabbed one of the CO's arms and managed to pull him out of the fire pit. She was a mere 10 years old at the time, but, remeber, she was "big boned". He was quite obviously dead. Tula found herself in a quandry. Did she wait for her dad to come home and call an ambulance to come and take the body away, or did she try to dispose of the CO by herself. If she let her dad handle it, all hell would break loose. Her dad would be yelling and shouting; he might even whip Tula for being so stupid as to roast the CO. He would definitely start thinking how this unfortunate incident would affect his priviledges in the congreagation. "Was there a precedent for a cong. servant whose child had roasted a CO keeping his position?", he would wonder.

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And then Tula came to a realisation. If she waited for her dad, the pig roast would be canceled. Tula had looked forward to the pig roast all week long. She had endured countless (well her mother was counting for her FS report) hours of field service, Bible studies and those extra long CO meetings. She had inhaled gallons of recycled onion breath. She had slept on an uncomfortable cot and not watched TV in a whole week. Surely, she deserved a little fun, she was after all, a kid.

Suddenly , Tula knew what she must do. She dragged the body over to the edge of the hill their property was located on and gave it a big heave. At first, it only tumbled down a few feet. Tula went down to where the body lay and gave it another shove. She did this a few more times until they reached a very steep part of the hill and then, with one last heave, she managed to toss the body off of a deep embankment. Tula knew that the bears and other wild animals that roamed this part of Wyoming would find the body and leave virtually no remains.

FOR A GOOD TIME... CALL

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