Can i have some advice re fading hubby please?

by dobbie 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  dobbie

  Basically i di'ad last year and at first hubby was petrified and was more like a jw apologist than a supportive spouse. However this year esp the last few months, where even his own mother has told him she won't set foot in our door even to see her grandchildren he is v v disgusted with the religion.

  The problem we have tbh is moving on properly and i know what it is, he doesn't believe it anymore, yet he says shes still his mother even though shes never been good to him and he knows she's totally cut him out if he left (she only v seldomly texts or rings him if she wants something). This is a mother who abandoned her 2 yr old son and left him alone for hours til her husband got home, then after hubs dad was given custody she got drunk took her kit off and fell to the floor in front of her 2 boys and said she was prostrate and she'd kill herself if they didn't tell the judge they wanted to live with her - the first judge said they were better off with dad but it was appealed and the 2nd one said he was catholic and as hubs dad had no religion and his mother was a jw she should have the kids (unfortunately dads girlfriend was catholic but they thought they'd stand a better chance if they didn't mention religion. And of course they wanted to live with her after waht she did (they were older then obviously) even though the judge didn't believe the 2 boys.

  Anyway sorry to go on,i know he doesn't want to be in it, hes disgusted by the shunning and esp the paedophile that was let off recently but is not interested in Bible or doctrines as he never understood half of it and never studied. But he's at a place where i was and i wish i could help him make the final step and leave properly as its just hanging over his head waiting for them to contact him again. I probably sound selfish but i know he can move on and get on with life he would have so much support from my and his non jw family. Its all because of his nasty mother who has never had a good word for him!He is better off without her, she is toxic waste.

  Has anyone got any ideas on how to help him from here?I haven't pushed him over taking the plunge and leaving as i feel its up to him, but i'd like to help nudge him in the right direction!Any advice anyone?
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  bluebell

  Before I start - I have never been in your situation but:

  If he is to make up his own mind the only thing you can really do is keep supporting him. As your non witness family will be supportive too - maybe start doing more things with them and involve your hubby so he has a support network and can see more that the "world" is not an evil place.

  Would he freak out if you introduced him to this site? Or if you suggest counselling to help him get out from his mothers shadow? Its hard for a child to not be loved by their parents - i still try and get my fathers approval even though he abused me.
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  Georgiegirl

  Consider finding him a therapist who has some experience with cults. Before I left, I spent a few months in therapy to deal with some issues that I thought had NOTHING to do with being a JW and everything to do with my mom and childhood. Ha. You may have to "interview" them before you he makes his selection to make sure they are qualified to deal with the JW issue. I went into therapy not even knowing my counsellor had that kind of background; he picked up on the JW stuff immediately and subtly worked from that viewpoint. Six month later I'm out with no guilt. I didn't DF or DA b/c of family but I am strong enough now to face that if I have too. It sounds like your husband has two unhealthy "fixations" - (not the right word, I'm sure) - his mother and JWs. Break one and you've broken the other.
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  jgnat

  I think georgiegirl's advice is best. If he won't go to a therapist yet, I can think of a few things you can try.

  • Ask questions. Help him think.
  • Celebrate his independence and his ability to think things through on his own. If he plays "hooky" from the meetings to do something else, reinforce for him how much you enjoy him stepping out on his own. Remind him of his qualities that are uniquely his own and how much you enjoy that side of him.
  • Build on your network of outside friends. That gives him a positive support network to compare the dysfunction to.
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  greendawn

  If his heart is not there then he might as well leave but what is he like? Does he have a strong spiritual dimension and needs to belong to a religion? Then he should be made aware that there are good mainstream Christian religions where one can belong. This implies that there is a need to undo the anti christian programming of the WTS to enable him to reconnect with the real world and its various aspects.
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  OnTheWayOut

  GeorgieGirl is correct. If you need expert advice on counseling, Steven Hassan at freedomofmind.com can give you
  guidance thru phone contact or steer you toward a good local therapist that knows cult practices. You could also
  speak to Randy at freeminds.org. He can get you started on what to do.

  Aside from counsel, it sounds like the husband is afraid to let go because he would be shunned. He's basically
  shunned anyway, but there is a difference between a DF/DA and an inactive JW. While you are trying to get him
  help, also tell him there's nothing wrong with just stopping activity.

  "If you are upset at them, just don't go. You don't have to be an apostate or a sinner. Just stop going to the
  meetings. Spend time doing good things for your family or others."

  It sounds like any help you give will be productive. He is ready to accept the truth about "the truth."

  Thanks for coming here and asking for others' help. You keep looking and you will find what you need.
• 

  BluesBrother

  but is not interested in Bible or doctrines as he never understood half of it and never studied

  Personally I find it hard to understand the type of Witness who is not motivated by the teachings - I mean , what else is there? but I understand that the final break with family is hard to make and one may fear that they will never see them again. There is also a mind set that "the Truth" is just a habit, like a drug that has a hold on you so that you cannot stop doing it even though you wonder why you keep doing it.

  I guess it has to be a case of using their own advice for Witness wives with ubm's , just be encouraging and supportive and show the benefits of a different way of life , and it is not scary to cut the cord that binds us to the K Hall...
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  oompa

  Dobbie, I am in similar situation except my wife is really strong believer. You are probably close to seeing your husband set free. Is it only the mum or does he have some close JW friends? I agree with the other posts that well placed, not too frequent, observations and questions are in order. And make him think about the reality of his mum as well.

  However, "toxic waste" is supposed to be disposed of. So if you you have a two story home, I would push her down the steps. lol

  it is quicker....oompa
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  dobbie

  There is no way he will see a counseller at this stage anyway. He hasn't been to meetings in a year. He has never had any friends in it. Alot of jws don't talk to him anyway, he won't talk to them either if i am there with him. The closest blood relatives in it are his mother (his step dad is not worth mentioning) his brother and his family. He is very soft hearted and doesn't like 'letting people down'. I just wish i could help him make that final step and make the break, but he is a procrastinator in everything.

  Oompa - sorry your wife is so strong in it that must be hard to live with daily. As regards the toxic waste, yes that would be v tempting but she won't come in our house, let alone the stairs lol!
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  oompa

  He hasn't been to meetings in a year. He has never had any friends in it. Alot of jws don't talk to him anyway, he won't talk to them either if i am there with him.

  so this is really more of a mommy problem?

  oompa