The Fader (Me) at a Restaurant with the Cong. Dubs (long)

by OnTheWayOut 26 Replies latest jw friends

  • OnTheWayOut

    So this fellow from the congregation my wife goes to (and I am inactive from for almost 6 months)
    is moving to where the need is greater. He's an MS, totally indoctrinated loyal JW. He's not an
    ass-kisser, but otherwise does whatever they ask of him, so they take advantage of that and keep
    asking for more, more, more. Anyway, he has tried to be my friend, and doesn't mention the
    inactive status. I like him a lot. I don't plan to stay close as a friend, but he keeps trying.

    He had this going away party this weekend at a restaurant. It was a few hours after the meeting at
    the Kingdom Hall. People from the cong. and many of his JW friends from all over the area were
    invited. I and the wife were invited. Even though I know lots of dubs from the cong. will be there,
    I really enjoyed seeing dubs at a recent wedding reception, so I decided to go. (I had a thread about
    the wedding reception- how the dubs didn't talk dub talk, most young ones were planning or going to
    college, older ones returning to college, former Bethelites not even wanting to pioneer.)

    So we arrive at the party a bit on the early side. There's already about 10 people there, but many
    more on the way. One of the cong. elders is there. He looks surprised to see me- surprised not in
    a "HEY, GOOD TO SEE YA" way, but more like, "OH, OnTheWayOut is here, what should I say?"
    The host sees us to our own area of the restaurant separated from the rest of the crowd. People
    keep arriving.

    Eventually, another cong. elder arrives. He comes with the out-of-town elder who was the speaker
    and the speaker's family. There were other dubs with them (all from the cong.) and the arriving elder
    says, "Hello OnTheWayOut, it is good to see you." Next he talks to the first elder who was already
    there. The two of them talk into each other's ears in that "Keep it secret" way. Well, the both of them
    go off to talk to the host while everyone else keeps saying hello to everyone, enjoying themselves.
    I didn't know the speaker, so I said hello to him and his family.

    The two elders come back, and ask the speaker and everyone that came with them to move out of the
    area to another table. You could see the table, but it was clear across the restaurant. One of the
    elders explains that they came here to "host" the speaker, so they will be sitting at another table where
    they can talk.

    Well, this is not a restaurant on their beaten path. They clearly came here to be with the large party. The
    MS is just arriving and he asks what's wrong. They whisper something to him, but he says, "Okay, well we
    are all here if you change your mind." I am no idiot. While the rest of the large party didn't seem to
    wonder or question them, I know what just happened. They didn't "shun" me, but they didn't want to "join"
    me. They didn't want to say anything, because I am not marked or anything. They left the party to go sit
    elsewhere until after everyone had eaten.

    Once the food was served and eaten, the rank and file from their party came back to the party. The
    speaker (who didn't know my situation) and his family came over. The elder's wives came over. The
    two elders by themselves looked silly, so they came back to the party. I guess they solved their little
    dilema. They didn't "eat" with me, which could question their status as elders (in their minds anyway).

    We all had a good time, many of the cong. rank and file saying they "missed me" but not pushing too hard.
    I am sure there will be an elder's meeting this week and it may be proposed that something has to be done.
    I don't think the cong. would totally recognize the need to "mark" me, but I wouldn't really miss them if they
    did. The MS who invited me never seemed to care what the elders concern was. I am going to miss him,
    but if he wasn't leaving, I am sure they would have to lecture him.

  • greendawn

    Given the great difference between what they demand and what they offer in return (basically nothing of value) I am sure you will be pleased to see the last of them. Good riddance.

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    Though you have evaded the 'public marking' to date - clearly you have been 'privately marked' as bad association, even to the point where they feared 'eating with such a man'. In that way they are applying 2 John to your case, though not telling you.

    I think you are likely correct about the elders' soon meeting to do something about this situation. You have been at formal witness events now twice - and this may give them impetus to make sure they 'protect the flock' from your horrible influence. I hope your 'fade' is not in danger, but it might be.

    Might it be time to have that face to face with the wife and mother about the possibilities here, so as to make sure you don't look like an evil sinner should they railroad you? Just a thought.

    In your court.


  • undercover

    I've seen similar things happen as well.

    There seem to be two kinds of elder-thought on how to deal with an inactive person.

    One: Lovebomb them. Tell them how much you miss them and just be a friend. Some might not even mention anything JW-related, but hope to, by example, show that the inactive one is still loved and appreciated.

    Two: "Mark" them and avoid them in social situations thus setting the example to the rest of the congregation that they should be careful in associating with inactive ones.

    Once you're used to how the game plays, it's actually kind of fun to sit and watch how JWs and elders react whenever an inactive person shows up to a JW social event. I've even gone up to elders who were purposely avoiding me and made a point of engaging them in conversation, just to watch them squirm.

  • anewme

    What a charade of friendship!

    I pined for my former friends for a long time. I just couldnt grasp the concept that they no longer cared for me because I left the cult after 35 years.

    Well its been six years now and I guess it has sunk in.

    It was all just an enormous waste of life and time.

    My husband was very impressed! I got back in the car and told him " See, its just like being a witness going door to door. The householder told me where to go!"


  • OnTheWayOut
    You have been at formal witness events now twice - and this may give them impetus to make sure they 'protect the flock' from your horrible influence. I hope your 'fade' is not in danger, but it might be.

    The wedding and reception was at another hall, and nobody from the current cong. (other than wife and I)
    were there. The cong. elders would not have heard about that event.

    I don't really care if they mark me. That is such a local thing. It would only serve to let the wife see that
    they are extremists.

    I don't really plan to go to too many dub events, anyway. I don't really see this as a problem. I won't get
    invited to cong. dubs' homes, but I am really uncomfortable around them anyway. The wife will probably be
    avoided for invites "just in case she brings her husband." That can only help me. There was another
    event recently where the entire cong. was invited, and I told the wife it was best if I didn't go. She didn't
    think I was right. I went to this event because it was in a public place, and because I wanted the wife to
    see that things are changed. I doubt she noticed what took place, and any explanation from me would
    just look like paranoid apostate thinking, so I won't mention it.

    My mother will not be told anything, nor does she know the people in this congregation. No effect on her.

    Thanks, though, Jeff. I have a well-calculated fade, and this won't really effect it. Of course, I could be wrong.
    If that is the case, well, sooner-or-later, they would do something anyway. Might as well try to use it to open
    the wife's eyes.

  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff



  • MadTiger

    Sounds like more to come.

  • RollerDave

    Those petty little men are so large in their own minds.

    Pathetic, really.

    Good on you for having your fade so well planned, keep it up!


  • unique1

    WOW That was a great witness they gave. You can really see the love among them.

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