How can I learn to more assertive? (page 2)

patientbrother

lol, although I'm almost 100% sure Jesus never used the term STFU , we all can't help but laugh to ourselves when we read about Jesus getting so angry and over turning the tables of the money changers in the temple. Although were taught not to love money notice how many of Jesus examples involve money, pay back ceasers things to ceaser, what you vow pay, God hates a fixed scale, in other words we don't love money but he did tell us to know what's going on , don't be stupid and dont be gullible and to stand up for right and wrong. So you tell them boys to finish the job they contracted to do, that way later in life when they are older adults and practice good business sense they will remember you as a positive influence in their lives. ( just remember the mind of a teenager, it may not get through till much much later lol!)

Apostate Kate2

I have a serious problem and I am going to really work on it. I made those 2 boys come back. I explained AGAIN what we agreed on. Again they did a crappy job. They ended up getting $19 an hour a piece instead of $20 and I still have a yard full of rocks!

What I learned from this experience is; I don't have a backbone. Just when I think I am so over dubjunk I realize that may not be so. Where do I even start? How come so many of you come out fiesty and assertive? I've been out over a decade now but have made little progress in this area.

PEC

Sorry, I tried to help. I guess you need to have your man, straighten them boys out.

Philip

Apostate Kate2

Sorry, I tried to help. I guess you need to have your man, straighten them boys out.
Philip

lol...Kiss off you smelly old elder lover

Dragonlady76

You need to watch any videos with Samuel Jackson in them, very educational.

Apostate Kate2

For me, it really was worth making 'a fuss' about. Many things I let go (like your situation). I think I am too laid back sometimes. This is about my HOME(S), my family, my life.

JWDaughter, sounds like you really went through a lot with that real estate transaction. Your right though, it is easier to be assertive when it directly affects our family's. I need to overcome some deep rooted fears. Gotta dig them up and throw them away.

SusanHere

Apostate Kate said:

You know people can be scarey! I think I just analyzed myself. This is the real root of it all. I have had some very bad and traumatic things happen to me when someone was violent and out of control. Dont wanna make people angry or bad things can happen....hhhmmmm

I think you are exactly spot on with this self-analysis. I, too, had many bad and traumatic incidents as a young child with a violent and out of control parent. I grew up with the mantra of "Don't make Daddy mad" being heard nearly daily. I grew up afraid of violence coming out of nowhere, from nothing, at any time.

Though long past those fears, and able to be very confident and assertive within my own sphere of influence, the fear is always there that strangers might become violent. It is difficult to be assertive with them, so I always play nice, keep things mellow, and often get taken advantage of. When that happens, my wonderful hubby steps in.

I have learned to very, very sweetly ask hired people, salespeople, etc., if they didn't "forget" to do something they were hired to do, or if I "misunderstood" what we had agreed on, and then ask, "So when are you going to do that part?" and I finish with "And I pay you the rest when it's all done, right?"

This can be done non-confrontationally. It's important to me to leave all contacts on a positive note, with praise for the good job they did, even if I'm inwardly seething at how much effort it took to get the work done. It's important to me to have even casual contact people remember me as being a nice person, a quality person.

I think you are much the same in what you are dealing with. Yes, it's all tied back to your early history, but you can improve on it. And with every positive encounter, you feel more confident for the next one.

Oh, and someone once told me to write my signature five times a day, underlining each one as soon as it is written. I underlined each one twice. This tells your subconscience (sp?) mind that you are a person of worth, and your wants matter as much as anyone elses. It sounds really silly, but it did help me.

Good luck and God bless.

SusanHere

Apostate Kate2

Dragonlady I'll take your advice and put some Samuel Jackson movies in my netflix qeue.

Susan I'm sorry you also suffered with a violent past. It does follow us. I can totally relate to your feelings. I appreciate you sharing that. I don't think the signature practice sounds silly at all, I'm going to do it.

I think subconscienciously there is more going on during confrontations then I am aware of. It does feel good knowing I'm not alone anymore. Hubby was angry but not angry at me, he was angry at the boys. I learned alot from this.

A. Practice and learn how to be assertive because sometimes in order to be truthful, it takes being assertive.

B. Never pay before a job is 100% done and done according to what was agreed on.

C. Don't be afraid! I just need to be tougher than them.

APOSTATE KATE

Apostate Kate2

So you tell them boys to finish the job they contracted to do, that way later in life when they are older adults and practice good business sense they will remember you as a positive influence in their lives. ( just remember the mind of a teenager, it may not get through till much much later lol!)

The only thing this taught them was they may end up returning to a job if they do not follow instructions.

What does STFU mean?

lawrence

Kate-

NO is a good word. Just remember that! It doesn't mean being difficult, but when necessary, use it. "NO, I'm not going to pay you for a crappy job - get it right." You help others, as well as yourself, when refusing to agree to one way events/people/situations. NFW are harsher words, but also necessary at times.

How can I learn to more assertive?

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