Since my mom passed in January my Dad has wanted me to go through her things and clear out her bedroom. I procrastinated long enough so the past two days I have been sorting through it all . I feel like I have been punched in the gut . Going through her personal items and giving or throwing her stuff away feels like I'm throwing her life away .
Especially hard is going through all the memorbilia she has held onto all these years .Boxes filled with assembly programs her assembly notes. She had beautiful hand writing, and she took prolific notes at assemblies .
I found letters she had written and forgot to send . Pictures of the past when she was in better health . Tons of scrap books she compiled of decorating ideas and floor plans for houses she would never have .
It makes me sad to know there was so much more she wanted out of life ,but never knew how to attain it . In her personal life she felt bullied by my father and his family .After her stroke she felt like my dad and sister treated her like a child .
When she was healthy and active as a witness it gave her a sense of impowerment away from my Dad even though the witness life had it's own kind of control over her . Once she could no longer drive and the witnesses slowly stopped coming by she felt trapped in her own home.
In the back of one of her books she wrote little facts about her life growing up ..like the first boy she ever kissed .....stuff she never told me about and now it's too late to ask her about .
It just has seemed to opened up the grief all over again . I have cried more now than I did when she died .
It has made me so sad...........