TO BARBARA ANDERSON: MY FOURTEEN YEAR OLD SON

by deborahs_song 71 Replies latest jw friends

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  deborahs_song

  Hello Barbara,

  I commend your effort to correct the Watchtower Society. God knows they need it!

  Are you still a non-trinitarian? I believe Jim Penton (as well some others of his ilk who have chosen to leave the Watchtower) remains so.

  Do you believe an xJW couple who remains non-trinitarian can, on their own, give their children sufficient Christian association apart from a formal religion? If not, what religious association do you suggest? Can xJW non-trinitarian teens keep spiritually alive though friendless?

  If you believe so please answer this sincere request for help. How do I supply my 14 year old son with religious non-trinitarian association apart from the Watchtower? There are no kids in our neighborhood who are interested in religion no less in non-trinitarian religion.

  I would like to encourage my son to remain a non-trinitarian Christian, a Christian who does not get involved in wars and politics, a Christian who follows the Christ. If he were 25 that would not be a problem he could stand on his own but at 14 he needs friends and he needs spiritual fellowship.

  There is a dichotomy here that has not been addressed, how to keep our children in the non-trinitarian faith without friends and association outside of family. I hope you have some common sense advice for us.

  deborah
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  Seeker4

  Welcome deborahs_song,

  I know this post was not directed to me, so I apologize.

  I also recognize that this is your first post, so I don't mean to be harsh. But...

  Now, let me get this straight...you've left the Witnesses, and your main concern is that you give your 14 yo non-trinitarian, Christian association??

  You need to dig a little deeper, here. That's like saying I want my child to be a non-Rudolph, Santa believer. Sure there was Dasher and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, but enough with this Rudolph stuff!

  Give your child a decent, higher education. Teach them critical thinking skills, let them explore this wonderful world that surrounds us, while using a reasonable mind. Expose them to the ideas of the great thinkers - show them how Ghandi and Schweitzer lived, and the weaknesses of these men. Expand their universe - and your own.

  Your child will be just fine. But please, don't trade one form of irrational mythological thinking for another. Don't settle for that.

  I apologize if this is offensive to you, I don't mean it to be. It's just that religious thinking is such a limited, and limiting, world view. There is so much more to give your son.

  S4
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  changeling

  Welcome to the forum!

  I understand as a parent the need to give a child healthy association. I have children of my own. My focus after leaving the WT was to give my youngest son, who still lives at home, true freedom. This includes freedom of thought, freedom of information and freedom of choice. My husband and I have instilled healthy values in him and I see them reflected in my son every day.

  It's been important to us to realize that values and integrity can be attained with or without religion. In fact, it takes a person of true integrity to stand up for what is right despite not being ruled by religious dogma.

  Please realize that you are leaving a high control cult. Be conscious of the fact that you may still hang on to some of their patterns.

  Don't be afraid of your new found freedom. Embrace it. Learn and grow. And allow your children to do the same.

  Sincerly,

  changeling
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  Scully

  At fourteen, I would imagine that your son has other things on his mind than whether God exists as a trinity or not, or whether God exists at all. There are so many positive things he can be doing at his age, with or without a religious or spiritual background. He could be interested in sports and athletics, or science, or doing well in school, or photography, or any number of things. Try to find out what his interests are and what his thoughts are about God, rather than imposing something on him that he may not be ready to undertake.

  While I understand the desire to give your child a strong moral base and values, my concern about your approach is that he will come to resent what I am perceiving to be a rather overbearing and intolerant spirit on your part that may cause him to completely rebel and reject any kind of spiritual direction you are trying to provide.

  When I was a very small child, I was not what you would call a picky eater. I would at least try new things, but if I didn't like something I would not want to eat any more of that food. One time we were at my grandparents' home and my grandmother had made a turkey dinner with all the trimmings, including a bread stuffing. I had tried stuffing before, and I wasn't fond of it at all. Yet, my parents put some on my plate and expected me to clean the plate. I didn't want to eat the stuffing and said that I didn't like it. They told me to eat it anyway, so as not to hurt my grandmother's feelings. So I ate it, hating every morsel and choking down every bit that was on my plate. We can't hurt grandma's feelings, can we? By the time I finished though, I was so repulsed by the taste of the stuffing that I vomited the entire dinner that I'd just finished all over grandma's dining room table in front of about a dozen people. If they had just respected the fact that I didn't like stuffing, everything would have been fine. Instead they practically force-fed me and created a worse mess than if they'd just left well enough alone.

  Raising children is a tough job, and the teenage years can be hectic and very stressful for both you and them. This is your son's time to learn to be a young man and take on new responsibilities and earn the freedoms he will be expected to handle when he is an adult. Part of our job is to give them roots, and also to teach them to fly. We don't do that by telling them what to think, but by teaching them how to think.

  All the best!
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  BizzyBee

  Deborah,

  Discovering one's beliefs about God is a highly personal journey - something that the WTS kept us all from embarking upon in the natural course of maturation and self-examination. It is more important that your son have friends through which he can explore and 'try-on' various beliefs to find a fit that works for him personally. Most likely he will change his mind about the nature of God, his own spirituality, and religious beliefs 50 times anyway before he becomes a full-grown adult. The best you can do is support his curiosity and exploration in a loving way. Give him a safe and secure, unconditional love from which to test the larger world, and he will be fine. Meaning no offense, but believing or not believing in the trinity is not central to anyone's living a good, meaningful life.

  The best part about being free of the WTS dogma is the freedom to find our own answers, to satisfy our own need to understand the big mysteries of life.

  Welcome to the forum, Deborah!
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  compound complex

  Welcome, Deborah!

  We were lead to believe that the "Awake! Institute of Higher Learning" was the choicest school, one producing no graduates. On the contrary, comments such as those you have only now received from your new friends will stand you in far better stead than anything else come your way.
  Please stay on board to find answers to your current questions and those buried deep within you, which will surface in time.

  Sincerely,

  CoCo
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  Odrade

  You might try Unitarians. They hold very little formal doctrine, yet provide a very nice sense of community and a good mix of bible study. That being said, I agree with the above posters, and I am not personally a Christian.
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  jwfacts

  Welcome.

  You do not have to be Trinitatarian to attend a Church that believes in the Trinity. Association with Christians is possible at less dogmatic Churches such as Anglicans, whilst still holding internally to the simpler Arian concept of God taught by the Watchtower. Seventh-day Adventists have a mix of followers, some that do not believe the Trinity. They are also less cult like than JWs and no longer enforce shunning, which is one of the great evils of the Watchtower Society.

  It is a struggle to keep a child religious, and whatever happens to your son in the future, do not blame your self for the choices you are about to make. About 75% of children raised as JWs leave. If you choose to stay for fear of not finding a better alternative, the chances are that he will leave regardless.
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  Mysterious

  I would just give your son a basis in what you believe and why and encourage him to make sound moral judgements in his life. It may be that he sides with your views when he gets older, it may be he finds something on his own. Either way I think that trying to streamline him into formal religion is a mistake akin to the one the JWs make with their kids.
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  carla

  Do you realize you said the word nontrinitarian 7 times in that short paragraph? I suggest you let your child be a child and maybe you need to research the Trinity and understand what Christians think about the matter rather than what the wt has obviously drilled in your head about it. Seven times in just a few short sentences seems a bit odd, no?

  You have left the jw's? I take it you were like most jw's and only allowed your child to have jw friends? and now you want to control his friends further by saying he can have no friends who believe in the Trinity? I would suggest you seek counseling for yourself and your extreme bigotry. You are going to turn your child into a nut case or at least one who is socially inept and unable to get along in life.

  Give your son the tools he needs in life, some social skills, courage to say no when needed, courage to say yes, allow him to develop and have interests of his OWN. This is a human being not a pet you have total control of.

  Or you can continue to be so judgemental of the human race in general and we will see your son here or some other place on the internet in a few years bemoaning what a controling manipulative parent he had and how he does not know how to cope or make decisions in life now and has very little contact with you because you still refuse to allow him to be his own man as an adult.