Free at Last, or am I (page 3)

JK666

PDB,

Welcome to the forum, and thank you for sharing your story!

JK

welcome! I am new here also.. I have been out for about 4 years, but the first 3 I just did not think about it at all, I wanted to have sex and talk to my df sister so I left, but I never thought about questioning the rest of it.. until I found JWD.. it is a great place, I am part way through CoC and Combating Cult mind control, both of which I am really enjoying.

Hilannj

Princess Daisy Boo

Geez... I have just sat here reading all these posts and I am shaking... I actually feel like crying (with relief I think). Thank you all for your welcoming messages. I really do need to get hold of some of the books you all mentioned - just as soon as I get the guts... There's that nagging little voice again and I am now telling it to shut up.

I guess I am just so tired of the double life that I still feel like I am leading and yet I dont know if I will ever have the courage to DA myself, mostly for fear of hurting my parents (my mom in particular) (my dad was df'ed once when I was a teen, he was reinstated a few months later - my mother took so much strain). With my sister, it is different... I don't really care what she thinks, but I know that she will probably not talk or be allowed to talk to me again again, and I want to try and save the remnants of our relationship... there is not much of a relationship left (there is only so much you can say to someone who cleans rooms for others with no aspirations of anything better and the highlight of their lives is giving a comment at breakfast on the day text)

Again, thank you all for your replies and thoughts...

passive suicide

Wow. My heart goes out to you. I have a simular past........BUT, married in the Truth, then became in-active......we have one child. To me.all religion is at fault, and is guilty of brainwashing in some way/shape/or form, so don't beat yerself up over which one you should raise your kids in. JUST MAKE SURE THEY BE HE BEST PEOPLE THEY CAN BE! Treat others right, and ya can't go wrong, period. Welcome, and this site has comforted me as well.

jgnat

Welcome Princess Daisy Boo, and all the newbies who gathered in support. You are the next generation of JWD'ers, and I predict you will build fast friendships that transcend the miles between you. Enjoy. Princess, you are well on the way of shedding your past. You've spoken your fears aloud, the monster is no longer hiding under the bed. In the light of day, it is a pile of laundry, easily remedied. You are 90% there, my friend.

The advice of "don't ask don't tell" with the grandparents is very good. It's true, they already know you are celebrating. Don't make a big deal and you save each other a lot of grief. The book, "Crisis of Conscience" is like a catharis for exiting JW's. You will feel so good to read it. I'll only comment on a few of your stated fears, as the board has done a great job covering everything else.

..I despair at what kind of religious beliefs I should be bringing my children up with!

So much of the Witness faith is a series of "don'ts". You go to do something, and stop because it's forbidden. I suggest rather you write a list of "do believe" statements, just for yourself. You can bring hubby in to the conversation if you like. What are your most passionately held beliefs? Is it "do no harm" to others? Is it "respect the earth" for future generations? What is it? Write it down. Look at the list and see if there are a few good underlying principles that govern your behavior. That is the core of what you will teach your children (which you are doing anyways, naturally). This list will also help to undo any stupid direction the children might get from their peers, teachers, or nosy parkers.

...live in fear that one of my kids says something about father christmas or something to my mother and "busts" me!

Depending on the age of your children, you can explain your upbringing and the odd beliefs of grandma and grandpa as incidents come up. You will be amazed how fast they will catch on. You know, sometimes grandma and grandpa have to hear the truth from the most innocent. It's amazing how children manage to condense the issue to it's most basic elements. "But birthday parties are fun!"

How screwed up am I?

Pretty regular, actually. All of us are fighting our pasts to some degree or another. Those who recognize the screwups and work to resolve them, worlds ahead of most folks. Give yourself room, sweetie. You are doing fine.

Vyla

I understand your thought process here very well. After having attained many of my life goals (hubby, house, 2.5kids/dogs, career, etc.) I felt a need to search for something spiritual. Fortunately, I consulted a therapist who specializes in JWs, Mormons and Seventh Day Adventist - "all who tend to preach the end of the world". He advised me to educate myself about other religions, their history, beliefs - make it a hobby to read and educate myself about other religions, but JOIN NOTHING!

Although it felt uncomfortable at first and my approach to other religious material was always heavily slanted with a JW supercriticism; over time, I began to fathom that religion is almost a need, like food and that people spend most of their lives searching for their purpose. At some point, when they have their basic hiearchy of physical needs have been met, humans start to search for spirituality. To be honest, at first, my studying made me very uncomfortable and more aware of what JWs offer.

On a different note, as a witness, I was always taught that ESP was "demonized" and yet I was quite perplexed on how to view the fact that I have two sets of twins in my family tree who definitely demonstrated abilities to "know" things and to complete each other's sentences. Wanting to studying the scientific and non-demonized approach, I fell in love with quantum physics...I think it started when I read the book "Dogs who Know when their Owners are Coming Home".

Today, I have really come full circle and although, it is good to always be open minded and looking to learn, I know longer feel this 'emptyness" but rather an overwhelming fullness of gratitude and spiritual presence in my life. That isn't something that you can easily accept at this point, but I just want to let you know that it is attainable.

Good luck on your journey -

v.

drew sagan

I really do need to get hold of some of the books you all mentioned - just as soon as I get the guts... There's that nagging little voice again and I am now telling it to shut up.

I went through the same exact thing.

And then one day while I was still a troubled and confused JW I decided to start talking with people online. As I got into one particular conversation the person I was talking to pointed out how I talked about my 'faith in the organization'. I remember her telling me 'listen to what you said, your faith is in those men up at Brooklyn'. She told me I had to get my hands on 'Crisis of Conscience' and learn the truth about the organization.

It was that day that I realized I had just been going along with what I was being told to do. I was a puppet of the Watchtower. That day I ordered the book and began to move on with my life.

You can do it!

-Drew

RollerDave

Welcome PDB!

That is a heck of a name! Shows character.

Reminds me of Princess Caraboo, with the ever-so-yummy Phoebe Cates.

But, in any case, WELCOME!

Now I gotta go watch Fast Times at Ridgemont High....

Roller

anewme

Dear Princess Daisy Boo, stay with this forum and read those books suggested here.
When you finally get over your fear of the Watchtower you will feel free and happy!

Welcome!

Anewme

LearningToFly

Thank you for sharing Princess Daisy! Your last paragraph really sums up how hard it is to break away completely, it takes constant effort to break away from the "brainwashing". I haven't been a member in 22 years, and have had to work so hard at changing the messages previously inplanted like stone in my brain. Not to long ago, my daughter said to me.. "Mama you are such a JW, once been always will be". This comment although meant as a tease really hit me hard.. She being a Pagan by choice.. saw in me a lack of being free to explore and live life freely without worry over being judged by others. Although I had considered myself free of the brainwashing, I still have some work to do.. and I am so thankful for this forum.. the support and postings help daily in the journey to become completely free!

LTF

Free at Last, or am I