I am stuck in a life I don't want and can't see the way out

Orgull

Some of you have encouraged me already in the week or so I've been here and I think you.

Here's the situation. I am single. I am 34 years old. I was raised "in the truth". I am in good standing, active and a very regular meeting attender. Most of both sides of my familiy are Witnesses. The very few friends I have at this point are also Witnesses.

However...

I no longer believe 1) That the Bible as we have it today is the complete, accurate, inspired word of God 2) That Jehovah's Witnesses have the true religion and way of life 3) That Jehovah's Witnesses represent God's organization on earth.

Any one of these three would be enough; together, they make my life as it is, a lie.

I moved back in with my family to help care for my aged parents, both of whom are now disabled. If I were to be DF'ed or DA'ed I would no longer be welcome here. I would have nowhere to go and no one to stay with. I cannot currently afford an apartment in my hometown, since I now only work part time in order to take care of my family and have enough time for meetings, service and other "theocratic" activities. I have no post-sceondary education and work is nearly impossible to find in this area, especially since the collapse of some local companies with tens of thousands of skilled employees. I have no savings. (I am however debt free, thank goodness.)

I am not ready to walk away from my family and my few meager friends and I am not ready to re-enter the full-time work force. But I cannot keep living the lie. I had to give a talk on Tuesday. It was horrible. I didn't pray. I didn't believe what I was saying. Yet everyone loved it. Just more evidence that "God's spirit" was not at truly at work there.

I am at a loss. I cannot pull off a slow "drift" away from "the truth" because everyone who knows me would immediatley suspect something. If I missed a single meeting at this point my Bookstudy Overseer would call me. If I missed two in a row, the elders would show up here and with my family, I would not be able to ignore them or pretend I was not home.

But I am not ready to take a stand and DA myself.

I was so happy when I found this forum and realized there are others like me. Now I'm becoming sad because I realize I am trapped between two worlds, with no clear view of the way out. I want to live, but I don't know how. I want to be happy, but I don't want to be alone.

I am lost.

IP_SEC

Now I'm becoming sad because I realize I am trapped between two worlds, with no clear view of the way out. H

Hi org

1. You are at the beginning of a hard road. It gets easier believe me, but it will probably get harder first. You are strong enough to make this. I know this because the weak would have just turned a blind eye to things that you cannot ignore

2. You are not stuck between two worlds. It only feels that way. Reality is as you precieve it. You are not stuck, this is temporary.

3. You are in a hard position. This is something I rarely say to people because I rarely view things as being hard. What makes it hard is you have two, rather helpless people depending on you. I have a few things to say about that.
A. People accept the help that they need or want. Dont you think this would be true of your parents? Conversely if they reject your help, is that not their bad?
B. Do you have siblings that could help in them in the event they rejected your help?
C. Leave when you get damn good and ready. Not one second before or after.

Sincerely

matt

under_believer

I can't offer advice. I can only show you that others feel the same way you do. That's better than nothing: http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/132047/1.ashx

NewYork44M

You are at the beginning of a hard road.

Amen. You have no idea how hard the road is going to be. But you need to understand that you have to travel down that road eventually. The sooner you start the sooner you will have the rest of your life.

Make plans, move to another congregation, explain that you are suffering from depression. Actively pursue a path to keep the elders away. Cheat on you time. Become passive aggressive by canceling talks at the last minute. This is war. They don't give a crap about you, so don't let them get to you. They are only roadblocks on your path to the rest of your life.

Good luck.

UnConfused

When I was in your situation, I went down the "depression" line. Went to the doctor, got meds and everything. You do sound more pinched in than I was though.

So,

1. You need to try to find some way to meet new people.
2. You might want to try to have some sort of discouragement, depression situation and go to the elders about it. Perhaps even mention that sleep is very problematic and that you are feeling edgy, perhaps even a bit of panic attacks around people - even at the hall. You could then ask them if you should see a doctor. It might take time. Miss some meetings, let them call you and finally fess up to the feelings above.

3. Then ever so slowly you can start to break that suction holding you in the group.

Keep floating ideas with us and be sure that you really do want to leave and be clear in your mind as to why you don't believe.

Cheers

Open mind

Leave when you get damn good and ready. Not one second before or after.

I second that emotion.

You've had much of your life taken from you. Doing what you need to do to get through it is "reverse Spiritual Warfare".

If you're assigned a talk that really wants to make you hurl more than most, eg. "Why We Can Trust the F&D Slave", just get sick at the last minute.

Are you a MS?

As for Field Service, just turn in between 5 to 9 hours per month. You won't be "exemplary" but you won't be flaky enough to warrant shepherding calls in most congos.

I've never done it, but I've heard many here claim (often truthfully) depression. BTW, have you looked into seeking professional help? If you do, it lends weight to your claims. It's pretty tough for an elder to start hammering on someone who's a depressed soul even if they'd like to.

Keep reading old posts and you'll find plenty of other coping strategies.

Long term, is going back to school doable for you? Can you talk to your parents about this? That's what you really need to focus on. Look at the advantages of your situation and move ahead. Then.............

Leave when you get damn good and ready. Not one second before or after.

Open Mind

Open mind

Rethinking that Field Service target for a moment. If you're presenting yourself as depressed and edgy, then you're gonna get some shepherding anyway, so make it less. 1 or 2 hours with the occasional zero.

Open Mind

MAS*H

Do you get BlackAdder in Canada? Perhaps you could try to emulate Captain Blackadder's efforts to avoid 'going over the top' during the war... It's a simple plan; basically it involves putting two straws up your nose and wearing your pants on your head - perhaps accompanied by various chicken clucking noises. Not only will you be discouraged from attending meetings, you'll be pardoned (rather than shunned) on the basis that you've gone stark raving bonkers.
Obviously, if people realise you're "working your ticket" you're in trouble...
On a more serious note... I don't say this to be mean... but do not assume you have 'any' friends in the truth. You'll be amazed how your 'witness friends' turn out to be anything but 'friendly' once you're on the outside.
Basically, if you're going through anything like the same feelings as I did, you'll be feeling like you're about to step off a very large cliff. There's no safety rope, no parachute... and no obvious bottom to the pit. 14 years after stepping off, nothing's changed... but I've learned to enjoy the free fall!
Good luck...
PS. If the straws don't work, try a marrow up your bottom.

Orgull

Thanks for the replies so far.

I'm already down to 2-4 hours a month, so I'm no longer exemplary. Cancelling talks is something I haven't done in more than a decade. I guess I'll have to work myself up to that one.

Ironically it was successful treatment for major depression that made me take a hard look at my life and led me down the path towards realizing I believed but had no real faith. So I started studying and the more I studied, the more errors, unanswered questions and eventually lies I discovered.

Argh.

My dad would want me to stay even if I were DF'ed, to help take care of them, but my mother would make life hell for us both I think. Plus if I stay here the elders know where I am. Not sure I like that idea.

Open mind

I just noticed something missing from all our replies.

DON'T SELL JWD SHORT!!

This place is a lifeline if you allow it to be!

Any chance you can make your way to attend an Apostafest that isn't too awfully close but not unaffordably far away?

Also, if you start down the road to more education you're going to automatically be rubbing shoulders with "worldly" people. Use that opportunity to start making a new circle of non-JW friends. What M*A*S*H said was pretty depressing, but true.

Take a look at besty's thread about being invited to a JC. The whole JC process, if they decide to attend, will have no emotional power over them. That's where you want to get mentally and emotionally. The JWs have no hold on them at all. It's just a sad game and they're leaving one way or the other to get on with their life.

Keep that goal in view.

Hang in there. You're way better than what the JWs would have you believe.

Open Mind

I am stuck in a life I don't want and can't see the way out

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