This was 6 years ago and your niece was 14.
Can you share with us how your niece is now, and what has happened since you first posted the OP?
LL
Help needed with 14 year old teenager who has gang (Krips) ties.....
by skeeter1 29 Replies latest social family
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skeeter1
It's like the Maury Povich show, and, honestly, I worry about letting our own kids visit too much. She doesn't talk with me on any type of regular basis becuase I'd give her a piece of my mind too quickly. Everything I've begged she do, she does opposite.
I hear from others about her. Good news. She did graduate High School and has, supposedly, gone a quarter at a local college but now isn't in school. She might start back in September. She's supposed to be looking for a job. She's a good looking and smart girl, but sports lip and tongue rings and strangly colored hair. So, she's limited her ability to get a job.
Bad news, shortly after high school got pregnant with a real "winner" of a guy. He's long gone, stiffs her on child support, and the baby is now a toddler. Her second boyfriend had an felony record and was using her house as a hide out until the police picked him up for violating parole. I think the record was armed robbery. When he returned from jail, he wasn't allowed to live at her house. So, she ran away with him from home with the baby to another loser's house. They broke up and she moved back home. She is now hooked up with another winner. His own dad has almost given up on him. Her boyfriends are all carbon copies of each other. No job, car, or prospect. And, she's a good looking girl who is smart. I hope she wises up the closer she gets to 25 years old. I pray she doesn't start stealing from stores and/or get arrested. I super pray she doesn't get pregnant again.
Like Maury Povich, I believe that every person is a good person down inside. But, they have to choose to beleive that they are. Personally, I would love to find a magic solution to help her out. I get so saddened by the life the little kid has to lead. I know the cycle of poverty all too well. It has the entire extended family very sad and depressed. Some family members just don't deal with it at all. I wish I could just wipe the sadness all away and make it better for her and the baby and everyone. But, she has to learn her own lessons. I can't interfere in whatever it is "someone up there in heaven" is trying to teach her. Besides, she doesn't want to take any of my or other family members' advice.
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LoisLane looking for Superman
Thanks Skeeter1 for filling in these years.
You didn't mention if she has gotten any tattoo's.
I am curious in the decades to come, with all the tats and piercings, how these ones will be perceived in old folks homes. Will the ones caring for them, think, wow, they did live a life... or ...
LL
I am glad she is still alive. I was a bit worried. Thank you for responding.
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skeeter1
If I remember right, she's told family members that she likes tattoos. But, none of us are going to pay for her to get a tattoo. She doesn't work and has no money, so she can't get one. If she gets a job, I imagine that that might be one of the first things she gets. But, she's always been afraid of needles and pain. So, maybe she could only go through with it if she was high.
I have really lived a sheltered life. Speaking of tattoos, I do have a old lesbian buddy of mine. She's totally into tattoos. Posts pictures of them on her social media. All into young women with tattoos. I didn't realize that it was such a lesbian thing. So, we were talking, and there are special tattoos that people from different groups get. There are lesbian favorites, and gay men favorites. There's even tats for people with AIDS. I would have thought people would not want to advertise that they had AIDS! A red ribbon tattoo would have totally flown under my radar. Now, I'm going to be totally into looking at people's tattoos to see if they have AIDS. I feel like a stranger in a strange world . . . or at least a voyer.
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jgnat
Well, she's doing better than what I feared. Too bad about bouncing from one bad boy to another. Instead of giving advice, maybe just drop a comment here and there. As in, "Your boyfriends all seem to be the same type. I wonder what would happen if you picked a different kind of boyfriend?"
There are moms and tots programs where she might be exposed to new information, build up her self-esteem a little.
These days, the hair and the rings are not too much of a bother. I accidentally hired a girl with a tongue ring. She wore a fleshy-colored one for the job interview. She was smart and very capable.
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skeeter1
We don't give any type of "boy" advice. That goes wrong, real quick. She runs off with them. She picks the same type of guy, the loser that villifies her family but wants to mooch off them as much as possible. The family finally blows up, and she runs off with them. She's been in and out of the swinging door more times than I mentioned.
To build her esteem, relatives near her just pick something to compliment her on. Any type of advice, however carefully worded, and she does the exact opposite.
We've pointed her to local programs and the welfare office has offered too. She hasn't gone. I've quietly offered to pay for her to go to a professional coach or counselor. Nope. I've pointed her to free word processing and spreadsheet classes so she can get on with a temporary secretarial group at the very least. She hasn't done it. I pointed her to basic resumes for high school people. Nope. She puts in applications, and doesn't get called back. I think it's due to her looks and the fact that so many others are looking for work. Honestly, I think as long as relatives pay for her essentials, roof, and food; and she gets enough from Uncle Sam, she is very wiling to just sit on her rear. She has never had a job and just a litte school, and she's almost 21 years old. I think employers have too many others to pick from. She lives near a major city, so there's plenty of jobs. You can feed a girl a fish, and she will never learn to fish until she's hungry.
Skeeter
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villagegirl
This is a very depressing story. In my own observation, over many years,
the people who did well in life, for themselves and thier children were people
who had 'found their work' they had a consuming interest in something.
Some people lack the focus, or are not raised with exposure to the idea
of pursuing a goal of some kind. Learning to plan, to work toward some outcome.
People who build things, create things, work with a team or a group, or join
a group that gets together to pursue some particular mutual interest or improve
or practice something, these people are are positively engaged in life.
This could be any number of things, music, sports, the arts, crafts, theatre,
bike trips, hiking, singing groups, photography groups, dance groups, or technology
or travel the list goes on, the point is they have a solid activity
they derive pleasure from. This is what is missing is the lives of gang members
and people who spend their days watching TV and walking around Malls
and hanging out doing nothing. Its aimlessness, pointless, empty lives,
that end up like this young woman, drifting without any set course.
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jgnat
People get self-esteem building so backwards. I like John Wooden's approach.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/greg-woodburn/the-selfesteem-wizard_b_1964523.html
People start feeling better when they do good things. This girl has yet to have that feeling. She's been shortchanged by the adults around her.
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skeeter1
Thanks everyone for your insights. I live hundreds of miles away. I do believe that that group has coddled this girl more than usual. The result is that she can't leave becuase she has little skills to cope with dailing living. I strongly wonder now if keeping her dependent was a way to ensure that they would never have an empty nest. On one hand, they talk about wanting her to be independent. But, when it was time for her to do anything on her own, including ordering her own food at a restaurant when she was 12 by talking directly with a waitress, she couldn't do it and they did it all for her. When she turned 16, she wasn't asking for a driver's license and they declared that they were not going to push it." She got her driver's license recently, when she was living away from them I beleive. Now, sadly, no on is forcing the issue of birth control with her. They 'leave it up to her' and they 'can't force a 21 year old to go to the doctor.' Then, when they actually discuss birth control, they come up with silly excuses for her not to use it (e.g. it will grow facial hair). Hell, you can't wax off a second child born to an unwed, dependant woman. The general consensus from those adults is that birth control is terrible, makes you sick, gain weight, unnatural, etc. Same thing with holding jobs, it is a necessary evil more than there is actual pleasure from it. It's always "someone's fighting, my boss is a jerk, everyone's an idiot, I never saw daylight when I worked in a factory" mentality as far as work. The result is her. When she actually does get a job, I foresee that she will have alot of problems keeping it or getting along with others. If she ever really grows up, I think she will be pissed of when she realizes what was done to her
I get really frustrated because I am much more goal orientated and derive pleasure from working. That causes me frustration as I try to help them. I hope the grandfather (breadwinner) never dies. Grandma asked if she'd be able to move in with us (we'd take care of her). Taking care of her isn't an issue, but taking care of the entire clan of 6 people who are all highly dependent, would be. We couldn't do it either logistically, financially, or emotionally for very long.