by zack 26 Replies latest jw friends
Thanks for starting this thread Zack.
It's very timely for me. I'm still at the "barely an elder" stage.
It seems to me that I am approaching the point of no return as far as my wife thinking we have the perfect "Stepford Marriage". I think the point of no return will come if/when I tell her something like you did. Hopefully, little seed planting of doubts will help reduce the impact so that she won't feel compelled to go running to the elders for "help".
Open Mind
I am in a very similar position to many of you guys. As an aside, why is it so often the husband who leaves, with the wife still in the organization? Or is this selection bias, maybe only the guys post about it?
Anyways, we've been married 11 years, we have 3 kids, and I have been inactive (the technical Witness definition of inactive) for a little over a year now, though it was token service for the preceding five years. The only reason I still attend is to help my wife with the kids, who she will take there with or without me. I don't comment, I've quit the TMS. I figure that this is kind of a reverse of the Witness strategy of "winning them over without a word." As long as I don't turn into what she perceives as a despicable person, abandoning her with three young children, it might help her to listen when I tell her about the cult.
We have the occasional discussion about it. She's a difficult one, though... she loves "Jehovah" and wants to give something back, she likes a spiritual element in her life, she likes the socialization, she feels a sense of community service when she "preaches," and her whole family is in. She feels like she's doing right by our kids. She really does think it's the best religion, and that association with a religion is necessary.
The weird thing is that she disagrees with many of the Watchtower teachings, she just doesn't CARE whether they're wrong or not. She's very pragmatic and practical about it--whereas I might get all worked up about the principle of a thing, she will just shrug and say that it doesn't matter. Among the things she dislikes or disagrees with: All the shit they make up about Isaiah, Daniel, and Revelation, the constant appeals to loyalty and avoiding independent thinking, some specifics about how the ministry is conducted, how much power individual elders have to ruin people's lives, how they discourage education, the ban on voting, the superior attitude they have about "worldly people," the huge obsession with sex that much of the Watchtower content has, and calling it "The Truth."
So I'm in a position where if I bring something to her attention that I have a huge problem with, she's likely to AGREE with me, and yet not care. How do you work with someone like that?
Anyways just wanted to say that I totally understand where you're coming from on this.
As an aside, why is it so often the husband who leaves, with the wife still in the organization? Or is this selection bias, maybe only the guys post about it?
That could be due in part to the statistical "fact" that JW women far outnumber JW men (in some countries the ratio is 7 females to 3 males). Another relevant fact: Men seem more inclined than women to adopt the religion of their wives as a condition of getting married (JW female to a worldly man who is interested in her: "I'm only interested in a relationship if you study with one of the elders" ). Once married, the ties to the religion may not go as deep for the husbands as it does the wives whose family of origin is JW.
yeah, they like to think all who leave are bitter & unhappy
For that very reason, I love the look on everyone's faces when they ask in a dour tone "Are you OK?" Expecting me to break down and cry or at least look real guilty and I respond, "I'm doing great!!"
I had the opportunity to say that "I'm doing great" to a couple of JW sisters not so long ago. Their faces dropped as if they wanted me to say I was depressed, etc.
When what happened to me occurred, attempted suicide, clinical depression. Eventually being told to leave the family home.
After I had my Judicial Committee. Where I was privately reproved and removed as a Min Servant.
All my JW wife was concerned with was what the "brothers and sisters" (never heard them called "the friends" here) would think. Would she be "marked" would she be allowed to answer at meetings etc.
She's going to be under a lot of pressure to explain why you aren't there. She will also endure all kinds of comments from "the friends". She's left "holding the bag" so to speak. It will be tough for her since they are so relentless in their probing. She is probably in survival mode right now. Give her some time to get through this. She may see things your way in time. Hang in there.
Thanks for all your comments. The experiences of so many are so eerily similiar. I know many a JW who see things wrong with the religion and shrug it off. It is very frustrating.
Thanks JWD!
