So much for the fade I was going to attempt just so I didn't have to lose my best friend. I haven't been to a meeting in a month, not since I've been checking out my concerns on the evil internet. I've been avoiding my best friend, she knows something is terribly wrong. I kept thinking I would call her tomorrow, I just needed a little time to wrap my mind around all this and figure out how to fade.Now I've let it go for weeks and I have to tell her why I haven't been able to talk to her.Do I play it off and try not to say too much or tell her everything and tell her it's her call if she goes to the elders? Is that fair to her? She just lost her husband. I feel like such a jerk.
Advice? I am sharing my concerns with my best friend today. HELP
by AWAKE&WATCHING 12 Replies latest jw friends
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OnTheWayOut
In private research, I have learned that, generally speaking, friends in "the truth" don't tolerate a FADER.
Only family, in general, will tolerate the lack of meeting attendance because they want to overlook it.
The general rule is that all JW's will think that you are spiritually weak, but family will want to retain your
company or association, feeling a family duty versus their Society loyalty. The family duty sometimes wins.
With friends, there is no family duty.I would recommend being straight up with information for your friend. This will give you your freedom
either way and allows you to tell the friend the things they need to hear. Usually, a continued fade will
cause them to shut you out of their life, then you will not be able to tell them about your discoveries. -
mtsgrad
Awake,
The one think you learn really quickly is who you're friends are when you fade. People who had not contacted me for years have stood by me. Some of my closest friends are not prepared to talk to me.
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AWAKE&WATCHING
Thanks- I know you are right, it's just so hard to let my best friend go.My husband goes to meetings but has never committed to baptism, I don't think it matters to him what I do. I've received 2 messages from my book study conductor in the 4 weeks I have missed meetings. NO one else has called me, not one person from my congregation,( my best friend is from my old congregation ).
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misanthropic
The one think you learn really quickly is who you're friends are when you fade.
And even faster when you tell them straight out that your not going anymore and why. I have one friend I've had since I was a teenager and I see her only on occasion. Once you leave you relaize you don't have a whole lot in common with those that still attend. -
Hortensia
She just lost her husband. She's not thinking about you except maybe to wonder why her best friend isn't there helping her through this. Just call her and let her talk about herself. Now isn't the time to confront her with your issues. Let her know how sad you feel for her.
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changeling
If you don't want to end up DF'd or DA'd, be very carefull what you say. Don't mention the internet or so called apostate sites. Try to support your doubts and concerns with the Society's own literature (not hard to do). Play it off as being spiritually weak. You may not retain a close frienship with her but you won't be completely severed either.
Welcome to the tap dance!
changeling
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AWAKE&WATCHING
She lost her husband last fall. I have been there for her this whole time. She IS thinking about me because she can tell something is wrong.My son died 11 months before her husband and he gave the memorial talk. She is the only reason that I wanted to fade, so as not to hurt her. I haven't been able to just fade away gracefully because my utter disgust at all of this newly acquired information has frozen me in time.I haven't been to a meeting in a month. I haven't been able to return her calls because I knew she would know something was wrong and I kept thinking "I'll call her tomorrow when I get ahold of myself." Now she knows something is wrong because I didn't call her. She has sent me text messages pleading with me to tell her what is wrong. At this point I don't know what else to do except be honest with her. Trust me, I am not trying to be selfish. I am only trying to handle this in the most loving way I can come up with.
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BizzyBee
AWAKE:
Wake up! First you must decide how committed you are to doing a fade...........you don't fade by telling ANYONE in the bOrg what you are doing! You fade by walking with one foot in each world for awhile til you can completely leave. With all due respect, fading isn't for the feint of heart.
If you can't do this, then you might as well DA yourself.
My heart goes out to you on several counts.
BB (Successful fader)
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AWAKE&WATCHING
That's just it, I'm not committed because there is very little reason to stay. I don't want to give her false hope that I'll reactivate, I'd prefer to make it a cut and dried exit. I just really love my best friend.Thanks to everyone for your help.