My story as a witness follows much of a 'dumb and dumber' sort of path. I get to be both dumb, and dumber, of course. What drove me to post on this site was sheer despiration. End of the rode, end of my rope, hit the wall, bababababa, hide all the guns, despiration.
I started allowing myself to research this other side we all know well as apostate about a week ago. I have since spent a ridiculous amount of time reading articles, and experiences, and anything and everything. For the first time in years I feel like I have a direction. Dare I say, hope. Hope I might actually get a life of my own again, a life at all. The answer is so obvious. I need to disassoiate. Have to. I'll explain why later.
My mother-in-law use to say I came in through the back door (married a disfellowshiped witness). I was never courted by them, nor was I ever exposed to much except the guts and gore of witness politics. I married a third generation witness, who even though he was disfellowshiped at the time, he was always very saturated in everything to do with the "truth". He was only out for 8 months, and has been on the straight and narrow ever since. He was raised by some of the most self-righteouses people I hope I will ever have to know. Anyway, the dumb piece comes in when I got baptised two years later in 1994, and the dumber piece fits just about every day after that. Even though I was trying to be sincere. Sometimes I think I did it just to show them I wasn't the pagen they all thought I was.
The scars that I am left with are signifigant. Mostly having to do what I let happen to my kids, and my step kids (three of each). Those were rough years....lets just say I could never relate to the demonstrations at the assemblies. I never understood why they didn't want to interview me. After all I had survived major obsticals oppression, and still had six kids attending meetings and going out in service. I don't think it was ever pretty, but we did try to my ever lasting shame. We never fit the mold, not even close.
Four years ago my son became ill. Mentally. He dissappeared one day, and we got a call a week later from a trauma unit in another state. He had walked across an off ramp on a freeway and was hit by a car going 75mph. He lost a leg and an arm. He was seventeen. During the years that have followed, I have realized that there is no place in the witness society for suffering humanity. If you are not set up to preform in the system, then you are just there so others can show their forbarence. At a distance I might ad. My only real support during this time came from my non-witness family. My witness family was down right oppressive. They didn't understand mental illness, and if it wasn't in the publications then they didn't need to know. My son just needed to straighted up.
So, now I am raising my two granddaughters, 2 and 3. I also care for my aging parents. I have been inactive for three years and have been to about 6 meetings in the last three years. I have no friends (because I am not allowed), I don't associate because I know I would or should be dissfellowshiped for my attitude. The congregation think that I am just overwhelmed and can't manage meetings. My husband probably thinks my heart is bad, but still pretends I am going to get back. My silence has let him believe it.
NO MORE. My grandkids won't know this life. That is where you guys come in. I need help getting from this playing dead place to actually saying it outloud. I am sure you know what a step this is towards that. Thank you for listening. I won't be this long winded in the future.