My history is gone, washed away, with no one to discuss it with other than my wife, who has heard all I have to say about life and love already a thousand times.
My 2 cents...
Jeff,
This, more than anything else, has been the most lasting damaging thing I have experienced after leaving the cult. It's already been said, but, being part of the cult you have ready-made 'friends' who you are told are trustworthy and honest, so you believe in that. There is an expectation of premade friendships, but, really you don't have to work at them... they just exist.
We were never taught how to make and maintain real lasting friendships. Friendships are hard work, and we are really lazy in that respect. I still have a hard time with it, and being married I think makes it worse... you've got one friend that you don't have to work too hard to keep, so why bother working hard to make others? There is also a level of fear involved when you go out there to make your own friends that you don't have when you are a cult member; rejection.
Although we all experienced a certain level of rejection within the cult, it is nothing compared to the real world because we were all expected (at least in appearance) to politely get along. Being openly told, "No, I just don't think I want to hang out with you" or "You're not my type" even in pursuing a friendship is, well, foreign and somewhat painful. We also had prearranged meeting times and activities that we were expected to attend. Our social calendar was made up for us. Not that we necessarily enjoyed the meetings, but the socialization both before and after was just there without extra effort. It was also 'free'.
Socialization in real life requires individual planning, committment and often cost. It requires the effort to find your own likes and dislikes rather than just going with the flow. I still struggle, but have found to my delight that friendships are more honest in real life. In the cult you expect that your "brother will lay down his life for you" but it's a lie. They won't even talk to you as soon as you do one thing that is wrong or speak your mind in the wrong way. In real life, you don't have that false expectation, but you can disagree with someone or even get in an argument and a week later the person is calling you on the phone saying, "Hey, Man. Wanna bring Shirly and go bowling?" People are less fake, at least in my experience.
Something that helped me through this, and it's already been suggested here, but find what you like, and then find a group of people who are excited about the same thing. I don't care if it's stamp collecting to rock climbing, there is a group that meets to talk about it. Find a local chapter, and join. Don't go there looking for the "I'll die for you" lie though, it doesn't exist. Just go to have fun, be the kind of person you would hang with and you'll find amazing people out there who want to be your friend.
Jean
