Parents of Teens--I need encouragement

by love2Bworldly 20 Replies latest jw friends

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  love2Bworldly

  Help! I am really feeling down today, can't stop crying. I just need some words of encouragement from other parents that I will survive my kids' teen years. My 13 year old is trying to discover/find herself, has emotional issues--since birth, cuts/burns herself secretly--she is on Prozac, in regular counseling, spent time last year in a physchiatric hospital, and just generally ALWAYS has stomach aches or conflicts with other peers and is flunking math as usual as well as getting bad grades in citizenship lately.

  My 17 year old son is on probation for being in a fight last fall, and does illegal stuff for cash. He is doing well in school and will graduate in June. He is very popular, has lots of friends and is into eating healthy & working out. Sounds conflicting huh?

  I have tried so hard to be a good mom, and I feel so discouraged. All 3 of my kids have abandonment issues due to a vacant father. My 20 year old daughter is doing ok & in college thank God.

  I feel confident that I have done the best I could do in my circumstances, but somehow I feel like I have failed my kids because I couldn't give them the life I pictured for them.
• 

  jgnat

  All parents fail miserably....to meet their own expectations. I mean, look at all the mistakes our own parents made! Even so, we survived, and so will our children.

  I, too, have a difficult-to-raise child and a good child. Thank God for my good child, otherwise I would have blamed all my son's problems on my own parenting. Lord knows there were enough professionals drilling in to our family history, looking in to the "why", to give me an excuse to blame myself entirely for how he turned out.

  BUT there's a lot more than NURTURE involved in how a child turns out. There's genetics and there's free will.

  The cutting child - she will be the one who will take the extra care, just like my son. I console myself that there are parents who have children born with a life-threatening illness like Cystic Fibrosis or a damaged heart. Those parents grieve, then learn how to take care of their child, no matter how compromised or shortened their life might be.

  The smart, popular child dabbling in illegal activity - is there a way you can get him busted? Better he find out now about natural consequences than when he's a full adult.

  The college child - give her lots of hugs (virtual or real) and thank her for being such a wonderful person.

  You - give yourself a break. Forgive yourself for not doing everything right. After all, you offer the same grace to your children. And go on a holiday. You need it.

  http://www.jcparentzone.com/Articles/article.asp?id=6866
• 

  love2Bworldly

  jgnat-- thanks I needed that! I think I need to start doing a journal every day. After I typed out my post, I felt a lot of relief. And I am going on holiday soon, to Jamaica in July with my church & no kids.

  My saving grace with all the stress, is that I am taking very good care of myself. Had a 90 minute massage the other night, and I work out and walk a lot. It just helps sometimes to hear from other parents.
• 

  JWdaughter

  I am currently the mom of two teens. I appreciate the advice you got also. I wish I could offer something but I am still drowning in it like you at this minute. If it is any comfort AT ALL, all of us survived our teenage years, and most of our parents did. The parents curse "I hope you have kids just like you". Except it is hard enough seeing our kids go through some of this-hope our grandkids are spared it!
• 

  RichieRich

  So, I'm not a parent of a teen, but I think I may have some insight.

  My 13 year old is trying to discover/find herself, has emotional issues--since birth, cuts/burns herself secretly--she is on Prozac, in regular counseling, spent time last year in a physchiatric hospital, and just generally ALWAYS has stomach aches or conflicts with other peers and is flunking math as usual as well as getting bad grades in citizenship lately.

  I had friends like this growing up. These kids never think anyone understands them. Don't try to. Just love her. Hugs, not drugs, will be good for her.

  My 17 year old son is on probation for being in a fight last fall, and does illegal stuff for cash. He is doing well in school and will graduate in June. He is very popular, has lots of friends and is into eating healthy & working out. Sounds conflicting huh?

  Boys will be boys, and fighting is natural. What were the circumstances surrounding the fight? Was he defending himself or someone else he loves? Or was it over something dumb?

  You're his mom, and he's a minor. Whatever he's doing illegally needs to stop. Not only does it more than likely violate his probation, but it puts him at risk for worse things. Take away what he loves if he doesn't yield.

  My 20 year old daughter is doing ok & in college thank God.

  Good for her.

  Now- YOU have to take some time for yourself. Don't let anyone push you over the edge.

  Hope it all works out.
• 

  bebu

  There is a wonderful book by Barbara Johnson called, "Fresh Elastic for Stretched Out Moms". She is a Christian humorist who has survived severe tragedies in her life with her teens. One comment she passes on is, "God didn't promise that we'd be leading at the half; only that we'd win the game." Most of our kids haven't even reached the half yet. Remember that!

  One of my sisters passed this on to me. Her friend wrote it, and my sister thought I could use it! I read it quite a bit.

  "Jack" is my son.

  I can admit that he is a good kid, and at heart he has good intentions toward others and me.
  He is nutty sometimes, and even very annoying sometimes too, but he is okay.
  He gets me mad because he doesn’t seem to change, or even want to change, but I can control my anger.
  If he acts in ways that bother me, I can be civil, not abusive. I do not need to manipulate him with guilt.
  I don’t need to hit him, tap him, or touch him. Or otherwise convey that I despise him.
  I can be patient with him, not a tyrant or a bully.
  If I am patient with him, he will eventually respond positively.
  There will be a lot less anger and tension in me and in this home if I can be patient.

  ...And it doesn’t actually matter what other people think.
  If they can’t handle that he is my son, then they will have a problem, not me. My son's welfare is more important than my friends' opinions.
  I don’t have to prove anything, by putting down my son, to someone who is truly my friend.
  A real friend would not expect me to despise my own son.
  A real friend would encourage me to be patient.

  So I will stop pouring acid on the relationship with the only oldest son I have.
  I will try to say something encouraging to him at least once a day. It is an easy goal for a mother who loves her son.

  I can do these things because I want to bring more kindness into the world, not hate or cynicism.
  The world has far too much hatred in it already. This is one area I can do something about.
  Even if I have trouble getting going on this and keep messing up, I am committed to this as my goal.

  In fact, I realize that it is God who is asking me to love my son better, whether or not he responds.
  God knows it can be hard, because many of His children don't respond to Him either. He is not judging me for their freewill.

  With God’s help, with His strength, and with His direction, I can love much better than I have done before. To love others as God wants me to is greater than all my goals or dreams. It is my only real responsibility.

  1 Cor 13

  bebu
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  I think all parents feel this way from time to time.

  I have 3 boys - my oldest, on many occasion has made me fell like I must have been the worst parent ever!!!! He called last night and told me that he loves me more than life, I've always been a good mother and I'm not responsible for the choices he has made in life!! Wow, it took 24 years for that one and many many tears!!!

  My #2 son, just recently I found some things in his room and gave him the ultimatum (sp?), if he wants to live his life that way he can do it on his own!! - we talked a day or two later and he appologized for what I found, admitted he was wrong and had no reason to have done what he did. "I love you mom", "and I never want to see you that upset or cry because of me, again"!!! Wow that took 19 years

  I'm waiting, holding my breath to see what #3 has in store for me

  Don't blame yourself for the choices your children make. Be firm with them, say what you mean and mean what you say, give them unconditional love and support, but don't let them put the blame on you!!!

  Hang in there sweetie, if you want to talk, PM me, I'm more than happy to share my experiences!

  nj
• 

  lilybird

  I have raised 3 children, my youngest, only daughter turned out to be the one who has given us the most grief. She is smart and has always done well with school but suffered with anxiety and depression since she was about 12, I think it is mostly genetic as my mother was severly depressed and diagnosed schezephrenic..

  .We had our daughter in counselling at the local mental youth health clinic while she was in high school and she was on medication which never really helped her.We found the best way eventually was just to try to ride it out give her lots of encouragement and love.. Its been a bumpy ride but now she is entering her second year of college and is enoying living on her own.. My son said the best thing was for her to live on her own and it has helped her to grow up...sometimes, it seems with girls especially, they have a hard time dealing with maturing and becoming young women.

  .I know how you feel.. We left the dubs to give our kids a better life,, and our boys are doing well..Its such a hard time when you think your daughter should be enjoying all life has to offer..but..its true.. genetics have a lot to do with how our kids develop ..something out of our control.... but our daughter is growing up and we actually can converse and enjoy each others company now...hope this helps you a bit,, I know as parents we get so discouraged sometimes.. I have talked to other parents who think they are alone in problems raising their children.. We find that many go thru what we experience as well..
• 

  love2Bworldly

  Thanks for all your words of encouragement, you all don't know how much I appreciate it today when I really need it.

  Have a Happy Easter!
• 

  Mum

  Hi, Love2B. There seems to be an epidemic (at least if people I talk with are telling the truth) of teenagers having problems like you describe, especially girls. My own granddaughter, age 17, has been going through something similar over the last year or so. She is on Prozac, too. Her boyfriend (4 years her senior) had her brainwashed or something. A couple of years ago she broke up with a boyfriend because he told her not to have so many male friends. This girl who stood up for herself and made us so proud became like a brainwashed cult member (and we thought we had escaped the cult mentality) with this boyfriend. She ran away and hid with some of his friends. I paid a private detective several thousand dollars to find her. It is so hard for me to understand what their problems are. Apparently, the culture they live in away from home creates most of the problems.

  I have been reading a book called Reviving Ophelia. The author is a counselor of young girls. She describes the phenomenon of young girls up to about age 11 who are confident, happy, full of life, then taking a U-turn of sorts into feeling ugly, being indifferent to things they once found exciting, trying to fit in, get peer approval and blaming their parents for everything that they feel is wrong. Girls today seem to have more pressure than we did (?). My pressure was not to have sex; theirs is the opposite. When I was a teenager in the '60's I didn't know anybody on drugs. This book might give you some insight into your daughter's world so you can get help for her.

  I borrowed $40,000 (yes, $5700 per month) to send my granddaughter to boarding school for troubled teens. My daughter chose the Sunhawk Academy in Utah. My granddaughter is back home and doing much better. It was worth the money, although it is putting quite a damper on my retirement.

  If you go the boarding school route (and it's good because they control the kids' environment 24/7, require attendance at therapy, AA, school classes, and every other sort of thing to keep them busy), be sure to check around for pricing and don't necessarily believe the financial aid / loan advisor they recommend. Do you have medical insurance that might cover some of the cost? It takes about six months to be really effective. Even then, it's tough but not nearly so as it was before.

  Email me if you want to talk about it: [email protected]

  Best regards,

  SandraC