Was it really all my fault...??

by Casper 18 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Casper

  It just dawned on me today...,

  That - I - must have been the reason that my deceased MS husband never made Elder.. Ugh, as if I don't have enough guilt to carry around. He has been deceased for 10 years now, and after reading some things on this board, I realize, I must have been his problem. He was a MS for a little over 10 years. He used to beat himself up mentally as to why he was never appointed an Elder.

  Now I think I know,

  I butted heads with the PO constantly, mostly over things I considered to be "beyond what is written". ( he hates me with a passion now)

  The PO agreed once that I was not the easiest person to get along with... because, I am a "WHY" person. I drove the person who studied with me insane. The big things didn't bother me so much, since I didn't even know there was a GOD until I was 18, it was the little things I questioned so much.

  Once, at the last meeting I attended when the CO was there, doing his thing... He said some things from the platform that really bothered me. I went straight to an Elder and asked, "Is it really that way .. Do we have to do what he said", and the Elder said.. "Yes, we do". and OF coarse, I asked "Why " and he told me "Because the CO said so" ! That was more or less the beginning of the end for me. My doubts really took off then.

  My husband was the kindest, most gentle person I had ever met. Always in an Up Beat Mood and encouraged everyone he met, Pioneered when he could, never missed a meeting, blah, blah. So, it had to be me. Right ? I questioned too many little things and too many Elders, as time when on.

  I guess I was in such a zone as a JW, that I just never stopped long enough to realize it. No one ever brought it to my attention. They were always, my Husband included, trying to encourage me to do this and that, - more, more, more - until I just started doing less and less out of pure frustration.

  My Husband never once said, "Look, you are my problem", maybe if he had, things would have been different... Maybe I would have tried harder to please everyone more....... it would not have been heartfelt tho.

  I faded away right after his death.

  Sorry if this hard to read or understand...just writing as it comes. So, am I thinking right on this ? Was I part or all of the Problem..??

  Cas
• 

  Nathan Natas

  YOU were not the problem.

  The problem was with authoritarian a-holes who didn't want their special "spiritual shining" questioned.

  Probably they put pressure on your husband to shut you up, and probably he refused because he knew you and loved you. As a consequence the big boys wouldn't let him play in their sandbox.

  It wasn't your fault, and I am sorry for your loss.
• 

  IP_SEC

  Casper... Casper,

  He was better off. Take it from me. Now I live with the guilt of having served on judicial committees and having helped reinstate pedophiles into the congregation with the flock being unaware of what they were.

  + what nathan said.
• 

  nvrgnbk

  Hello Cas,

  So very sorry for your loss.

  PLEASE try to let this guilt go. Do so, if for nothing else, for the memory of your husband.

  He would never want to see you suffer like this.

  Hang in there. Everything is going to be okay. You are loved.

  Deepest sorrow for your loss,

  Nvr
• 

  Tyrone van leyen

  It's not you at all! Like Natas said once these goofballs make up there minds who they want in their little club that's the end of the game. You need to kiss an awful lot of ass before that happens. My brother has been in the org for 42 years and is still not an elder. He is faultless. My dad just became an elder and that's after the same length of time and comitment. These arrogant bastards need to be taught a huge lesson in humility!
• 

  Frannie Banannie

  No. Because your husband was so obviously GOOD at heart, he wasn't part of their clique and would have been a last choice as elder. Why? Because they don't want elders that will stand up for what is right. They want elders who will bend to the will of the majority of the clique to appease the locals and the borganization. It actually had nothing at all to do with you.

  Frannie
• 

  Casper

  Thanks so much for your replies..........I really needed to hear a point of view from those who would understand. I sincerely appreciate your insight. I try not to dwell on things, but every once in a while it comes up. I realize it's been a long time, since he died, I used to hope that the Paradise would be real... so that he could be happy... even it it wasn't for me. He believed it wholeheartedly.

  Oh, I'm sure the PO talked with him, he's the one that studied with my Husband and all, he and his wife were our..."get together friends", that's how I was able to "Irritate" him so much..

  Like was said, maybe it was for the best, after what I know now... it probably would have done him more harm than good. I truly don't think it was an ego thing for him... he gave his all. Oh, by the way, The PO at the time, is still there running things with an IRON fist..

  Nvr... such kind words... Thanks.

  Cas
• 

  Casper

  That's a good point, Frannie

  Thinking back on it, he never could have been as iron fisted like some mentioned. He was too soft hearted. Not that he was a "Saint" mind you, he was Human after all...........lol.

  No doubt he would have been disillusioned by the whole thing. It is a "Club" .

  I know how much it meant to him at the time. Once the thought hit me that it was probably me.....I was swimming in guilt. KH flashbacks.

  I do feel better,

  Cas
• 

  jaguarbass

  You have every right to be a why person. I was the same way.

  Dont be carrying that luggage around. Throw it out.
• 

  mustang

  The problem definitely is NOT you: the problem is MISPLACED EMPHASIS.

  (Don't take this wrong; it is hard for me to believe what we all went through and perhaps this might be a bit insensitive, but here goes...)

  Misplaced emphasis in that anybody could really take that religion seriously enough to believe that it was the most important thing in life.

  I vote with Nathan on this: if he knew or was approached about it, he took his lumps and internalized it out of love for you.

  Mustang