About a week after the September 11th thing when I was feeling devastated and in total despair, I went through an "I give up" phase.
I came out of that phase (or thought I did) with a new gung ho, I ain't gonna take no crap concept of myself. You probably saw my post about marshall arts. This was gonna all be part of this new tough, ready to fight, kind of guy.
Well, I'm not tough. I don't like fighting. I can't take a punch well, physically or verbally. The more I try to act tough, the sillier I look and the more desperate I become since I know absolutely nothing about being tough. Its just not me.
I grew up being the one who kept peace in the family. Its a big part of why I have made some of the major life decisions I have made (not coming out and living as homosexual until I was 30, not going to college, etc.) My decisions about my life were always measured against how upset the family would be and to be perfectly honest, to keep me from being verbally berated by my father and brother and to keep my mother from being berated for defending me.
I'm not a fighter because in my heart and soul, I know its not the right way.
The real reason I wrote the whole "evil board" post was not as much because of You Know as because of Tally's thread with the hook line about it perhaps being JWs dancing and celebrating on the roofs of Brooklyn. I decided to fight him on that thread. Then Mr. tough Joel decided to just make a snide remark about "the picture". Well, the old addage about not biting off more than you can chew came up real quick. I got into a fight I was not prepared for and I got myself in deeper and deeper.
And another thing. I am not ready to give up hope on my illusory, perhaps mythical peaceful international brotherhood. Those witnesses I grew up with weren't perfect but they were my brothers and sisters and our little congregation was working hard on the brotherhood thing. I think a lot of witnesses are. I think a lot of non-witnesses are too. Perhaps part of achieving the goal requires fighting and battles. I will leave that to tougher people than me.
At least my little experiment in toughness happened here where all I could get was a bruised ego and suffer some well deserved embarrassment and it happened where a few people care enough about me to look over it and offer their ongoing support.
You may say I'm a dreamer. But I'm not the only one.