I shouldn't have done this, but I did it, and don't know if I regret it or not. I guess I am in deeply narcissistic mode or something.
The plan was to meet my aunties for dinner here in my town, but I started projecting the night before about their motives for both suddenly being here, one announced (and one unannounced until the last minute). I suspect it has something to do with my jw grandma's declining health, but who knows? . . .
. . . Because the non-jws in my family belong to my jw mom's side, (and because the nons all (very smartly live out of state), I am pretty isolated from them all - except for the two aunties who seem to always think of me as the family afterthought whenever they visit. (The family they stay with - their mother (my grandma) and my parents and sister who all live on the same waterfront compound - are jws and I am disfellowshipped).
It makes me feel so bad, that I just blew them both off (for the first time ever), while they were in the area together suddenly. I think they prefer to avoid me and see me on their way in or out, because of the guilt they feel in spending so much time with the wealthier jw family, and knowing I'm being shunned (while they think and live just as "worldly" a life as I do), but they don't get shunned because they were never jw.
Ultimately, over the years, It's become very apparent that it's just not convenient for them to come visit me. Certainly, I sympathize with this and understand it, so much so that I just told them I had the flu and couldn't make it last night, (so now they don't need to bother stopping by). I actually had a smashing hangover from getting drunk the night before, thinking about (and projecting) the whole damn situation. But why share that with them?
It's obviously too heavy for them (and for me) to deal with the shunning crap, and with me, and it's too much trouble to spend more than one day or evening visiting me, as I live in the city about 45 minutes from the jw family compound, and can't put them up in my little apartment. By comparison, the jw family is wealthy, lives on the water front, closer to the beaches, and have their own little compound there.
So, why bother visiting me for more than half a day? Just to asuage their guilt or congratulate themselves for being there for me? Or to see if I want to go live there and take care of my grandma because they don't want to be bothered with the burden of caring for their own mother and would rather give the job to the jws or to the nearest family shlump who doesn't have a 4-year degree and a great career like they do? yes, I am projecting . . . I dunno? I just couldn't be bothered with it this time around.
Just venting . . . I hate the jw religion today . . . and every day . . . ah whateva! thanks for letting me vent.