For the kids is it better to stay married and miserable or...?

by brunnhilde 40 Replies latest social relationships

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  kerj2leev

  I am happy to hear that your thoughts are the happiness of your son. I work in an elementary school and have seen so many behavior problems because mom and dad are divorced or separated and the children act out their frustration and anger at school by not following directions and getting their work done or by fighting or hurting other children.

  If you are both putting your child first and he feels secure with both of you, and you don't fight in front of him, I feel that you are, yes, sacrificing your happiness to stay together, but isn't that what we do when we have kids? Put our desires on the back burner because we are responsible for the emotional needs of our child?

  Well sacrifice is a thing of the past!
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  researcher

  Not to make light of this topic, but I heard of a couple, he was 98 and she was 97 and they were filing for divorce after being married for 71 years!!!! The reason.... they only agreed to stay together as long as the kids were alive...... ;) I think the lesson in this is, to stay together in an unhappy, uncompatible and stifling relationship only hurts the kids because they know mom and dad do not like each other.... they grow up and wind up in the same ruts. How many of you folks out there know of 'witness' husbands or wifes whom left their marriage, got divorced, and are after not to short of a time back in good grace, even serving as elders etc and actually enjoy being married now? [thats if they chose to stay in the org that is]
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  mcsemike

  Not to play Dr. Phil here, but I learned in my studies that USUALLY, a child would rather "be from a broken home" than "live in a broken home". Meaning if the marriage is over or is hurting the kids, it's time to divorce. If a child or children can live with one happier parent than with two miserable ones who are still together, the child will do better with one parent.
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  5go

  Not to play Dr. Phil here, but I learned in my studies that USUALLY, a child would rather "be from a broken home" than "live in a broken home". Meaning if the marriage is over or is hurting the kids, it's time to divorce. If a child or children can live with one happier parent than with two miserable ones who are still together, the child will do better with one parent.

  Fess up ! You are a Dr.Phil clone.
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  truthsetsonefree

  ...get a divorce and at least have a chance at happiness? My husband and I would NEVER have gotten married if we weren't both in the Borg. Now we're both out and we have nothing in common. We have a seven year old. I get nothing out of this marriage (yes, we've tried counseling) that I need but I don't want to cause lasting damage to my son. I really don't know what to do *sigh* Any ideas? And please, any lurking Dubs, please spare me the WT BS, ok?

  I have the same situation. I'm taking the divorce route. I am cutting the losses while staying friends because of my daughter. tsof
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  LaniB

  Me, I think its better to get a divorce. Especially if you are still at a stage where you can remain reasonably civil with each other.

  I am a child of a marriage that should have ended years before it did. It was our joke amoungst us kids as we got older that the only reason my mum stayed married to my dad was because her mother always told her not to marry him and my mum didn't want my grandmother saying "I told you so".

  My brothers and sister grew up in a household of arguments and to this day my younger brother and myself who lived through the worst of the last few years hate to be around arguments. We never realised it until a mutual friend of ours pointed out that both of us has the same reaction to a couple arguing, even when it is in jest. Our mutual friend and his wife are very loud people. The whole family is and the kids when mum and dad are having there daily friendly bicker don't even notice. My brother and I leave. When we were kids you could find us hiding in closets, behind doors or between the side of the sofa and the wall with a book trying to ignore it.

  I think the breakdown of any marriage is sad but there is no such thing as an unhappy marriage where the kids don't feel it too.
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  mcsemike

  5GO:

  I do watch him often, but don't always agree. Many of my college projects for psych were analyzing TV therapists, etc.
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  Hondo

  I hung around for the kids. My wife, now ex-wife, got mixed up with the JW cult back in 1995 (I am not, nor have ever been, a JW). My son was 11, my daughter 10. My ex kept the fact that she had become involved with the cult a secret from me for her first 7/8 months of being involved (I was in the Navy at the time, on a ship, and stationed in Japan. The ship I was on was underway quite a bit). I only found out by accident, finding her stash of magazines. Upon confronting her, it became apparent that I was no longer the part of her life that I had been prior to her getting mixed up with the JWs. I had become the pervervial "non-believing" mate to her, plus someone who opposed what she was doing, thus becoming a detriment to her and her perceived ideas about her own salvation. I had become a threat to her. I did see a lawyer around this time to talk about divorce but was recommended to hold off, especially since I was in the Navy. I took this advice and put on my best "husband" face and live with my ex's meetings and door-to-door activities for the next 9 years. During this time things got worse, to a very good degree. My ex's involvement with the cult became more serious, reaching a point to where I felt like only a live in person in my own home. If I wanted to go out to dinner with my then wife, but there was a meeting the same night, guess what, I took the back seat. Same thing on weekends. Just about doing anything with her during these days off was out of the questions. She had her study on Sunday and seemed to be cleaning the KH she attended every Saturday. Of course, all the holidays we had previously spent together as a family were now without my ex. The kids and I did our thing on these days while she kept apart from us. A Christmas tradition we had done for years was visiting my family in Oregon. She refused to participate in this also. We were eventually divorced in 2003. Since then she has refused to speak to me anymore, or answer any my letters that I sent her from time-to-time, just to see how she is doing. By waiting to get a divorce, my kids, now 24 and 23, entered adulthood pretty much unscathed (my daughter did some problems during junior and senior in high school). I am a grandfather now and we are all very close. They have learned to divide their time between their mother and me quite efficiently. Hope this helps

  Hondo
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  Crumpet

  Hugs, sweetie! I could have written your post and can understand how heavy this is weighing on you.

  I NEVER would have married my husband if I wasn't a brainwashed zombie 6 years ago!!!! (yes, I have small kids, too) I have been in a shotty mood ever since!!! My life is a living hell every single day. Divorce will be the start of my life as ME.

  Life is TOO short to spend it being miserable!!

  ((((lonelysheep)))))

  I hope you can start your new life soon hon!
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  brunnhilde

  Thanks so much Crumpet! I'm just so unspeakably grateful and relieved to be OUT of this marriage! I don't really know what's going to happen going forward, but for the first time EVER in my entire life it's up to me to be who I really am! I don't think that's really sunk in yet. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me and I can't wait! Good luck to you too starting out, girlfriend!