by brunnhilde 40 Replies latest social relationships
If you stay and be miserable, that's what they learn to do.
This is what finally woke me up to get out of my own shitty amrraige.
I realized that my daughters were going to grow up and end up with a marraige just like mine.
I wanted to model something different, even if it was only the pursuit of happiness and self-growth.
As a child of a marriage that should have ended in divorce 15 years before it did, get the divorce. My siblings and I were miserable....we begged our parents to get a divorce.
Blondie
To my way of thinking a 6 month to a year seperation (with love and respect) is a good transition. First it breaks the cycle that you are both in. It allows you the opportunity to either spend the seperation time talking through all the issues that you fought about or it eases the transition to divorce.
as a child of a miserable disastrous marriage - I say get the divorce and get it over with. You'll be happier and your kid will be happier.
Stay miserable or end it..The kids have already figured it out...OUTLAW
I don't know what advice to give your here. (Before you read this, remember, we all get old and need one another, we all married each other because we loved ......children always feel secure with parents together....
My parents were married in 1955......my mother's mantra was, if Jehovah loves him, I can too.
My mother came from North Dakotah the last of 7 children and made her way at aged 17 in a large city. She was introduced to my Father by one of her brothers. My dad had fallen in love years earlier, and the parents shipped the girl off to another state. We still don't know if we have a half brother or sister.
So here is the bottom line.....My parents struggled, my father adored my mother but couldn' t seem to measure up spiritually on a regular bases, despite the fact that he was made an elder.
He worked many hours when we were young, probably 50 to 60 hours a week. He was a professional painter and wall paper hanger for a major firm in Chicago. He would come home and wash himself in Benzene at about 7:00pm and then eat, and then have to perform some kind of study, or attend a meeting. He left at 6:00 am. every morning.
Dad loved TV and would come get me, the oldest, to come watch with him. I remember many a program including the Beetles on the Ed Sullivan show and also a beautiful song on the Andy Williams show...something about moon river....it haunted me all my life.
As I grew older....
He had horrible mood swings, and would not speak to the family for an entire week, slamming doors, pouting etc., it would come to a peak before meetings, with a wild, angry, car ride to the hall. Afterwards dad would be all calmed down, sweet and a love to all of us.
Mom always said it was the truth that calmed him......
In later years we were to find out that dad had Bi Polar Disease and Alcoholism.
Do I recommend divorce? Unless there is abuse or no financial suppport I would say no
Dad worked his tail off, became a major supervisor in his company and earned a Dr's salary in his later years.
He received close to 1/2 million from his 401K plus he saved untold dollars which has supported my mother and the society over the past few years.
My Point being to all of this, despite my fathers illnesses, I was influenced by a powerful man, that I might not of had if my mother left him. (Which she threatened to do many times) He was so proud of me in the end and it has given me unending confidence in myself. He was not an easy man to please, he was extremely intelligent, ....when you got his approval it was beyond belief...My father always adored me, and gave me more confidence in myself than I could have earned on my own in a lifetime.
Should you stay married?....Try.....if you have children?....can you see the difference you can make?
A daughter of an unhappy marriage.
r
Better to be alone and lonely, (if necessary), than to be married and miserable.
Thanks so much for all the support and advice. I couldn't believe it tonight when after our son went to sleep, my husband told me he didn't want a divorce but we were both miserable and what could we do? I don't know if this will be helpful to anyone else, but we decided to basically live as roommates. It sounds so simplistic, but we were both so relieved. We're going to work out the finer details, but we're agreed that our biggest priority is Skyler and his well-being. For his sake we're going to make it work. We both feel SO much better. I feel really bad for those of you with spouses still in the Borg. I don't know how that works. I'm just feeling a little giddy with relief at the moment so I don't know how much sense this makes!
I'm just feeling a little giddy with relief at the moment so I don't know how much sense this makes!
It's not a sustainable solution, Hon. It just trades one set of problems for another and the same misery crops up again when the logistical limitations of this arrangement begin rearing ugly heads. It's okay...you don't have to make any permanent or long term decisions about it tonight. Make decisions at the pace at which you are ready. ((((((((((((( HUGS )))))))))))))
I hope it works out for you. Sometimes if you focus on the friendship part of the marraige, the other stuff will follow. My husband and I have had our share of problems, let me tell you..and it is constant work, but things are finally starting to be good. I do agree your children should see you happy, so work on yourself as well, seperate from the marraige...get some hobbies, read some good books,, etc...
Good Luck!!!
