My Mother was a short (5'2") red-headed, blue-eyed Irish woman. I was just sitting here thinking about some of the bizarre threats she used to make, either to us kids or to someone else that had her dander up. We always knew they were threats and would ROFL or LMAO most of the time when she made one. I can just hear her voice now. I think she made bizarre threats because she knew they'd be more "interesting" and catch our attention better than a casual correction of our behavior. They worked. Only problem has been, I find they're very hard to forget and very easy to repeat, so I've been salty-talkin' my way through my children's lives and now through my g/kids lives.
Here's a short list of some of the gems she used to spout:
1. You make my butt wanna suck a sour lemon! (means you're aggravatin' the hell outta her, so stop what you're doin')
2. May the bird of paradise fly up yer butt! (she's unimpressed with your behavior, underwhelmed by your lack of accomplishment)
3. They can kiss my ass on the courthouse steps and I'll give 'em an hour to draw a crowd! (she was gettin' totally pissed now)
4. Don't fall asleep now! I don't wanna hafta slap ya to sleep tonite! (self-explanatory)
5. I'll wring yer neck like a chicken! (If you do that/do it again, you're gonna get a whippin. - we didn't laugh at this one.)
6. I'd like to kill 'em and tell God they died of natural causes! (She was gonna get even with somebody.)
7. I'll yank yer tongue out by the roots and slap you with the bloody stump! (Don't talk back to me. - we didn't laugh at this one either)
8 I'll shove my foot up yer ass and pull you on like a boot! (We were so busy laughing at the visual image, we forgot what she was fussing about.)
Additionally, I remember only two pieces of advice that my mother gave us:
1. Getting married is like a fat woman taking off a very tight girdle. (So true)
2. Always wear clean underwear anytime you get in a car. You never know when you'll get in a car wreck. (This old stand-by came in handy in my case.)