Scared....

by coolcat 38 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  HappyDad

  Welcome Coolcat,

  You have come to a good place to ask questions and pour out your heartfelt feelings. There is a treasure of advice on this forum and you can find comfort here.

  Me.......I'm HappyDad because my own daughter who is my life...........also was able to get out of this crazy religion. I guess you could say that she and I have an advantage that others don't. We are out together!

  Which brings me to my point..

  You (and anyone else who wants too) can look at me as a surrogate father if that is what you need. I understand what young people feel to some extent and I will never condemn those feelings even if ........because of my age.......I don't agree 100 percent with them.

  Yeah.........I was an elder........and for awhile (according to my daughter..........and I have to agree with her......) I was a complete a$$ho9le who tried to force Brooklynism on my family.

  I am so happy that my eyes were opened. Now my life is complete and if I can be of help or even give a shoulder to cry on or a hug to say that I understand and love.........so be it!

  Hang on to your seat because if you stay here and continue to research a real life apart from the WT .......you are in for the ride of your life. It may be bumpy and jerky........but in the end.......you will know that it was worth it.

  Love and hugs from the old man............HappyDad
• 

  AK - Jeff

  If you don't feel a need to 'do' anything - 'fading' might be the answer.

  Some of us have not been good at that, like me, because I was so upset by finding out the 'truth of the Truth' that I could not just say nothing. I still was able to stay under the radar for a while though - and I imagine if I had just left and didn't having a burning desire at times to try and help others to know what I knew, I could have 'faded'. So a lot of it is personallity, willingness to submerge your anger over having been lied to - I just couldn't and ended up having to DA.

  I think there is a 'hotline' here; www.jwinfoline.com plus it is a wonderful site if you are still wishing to be Christian, lots of former witnesses and thier testimony

  Jeff
• 

  Tyrone van leyen

  There was a time when my parents were both deciding to leave the organization and my oldest brother did the same thing as you and went deeper into the religion. This had a unifying effect indeed but it has not brought happiness. Your parents need to know that family hapiness depends not on a relationship with the organization but a relationship with them based on mutual honesty and understanding of each other. Maybe it's time to let them know how you feel and tell them that you feel like you are living a lie as you have come to understand life differently. Perhaps deep down inside, with time, they will come to be happy inside, to see that you are happy. Tell them that you feel you made an honest mistake in seeking family unity through this religion and all you really wanted was to make them happy. Ask them if the only reason they went back in was for your sake. If it wasn't, then why should they be upset with your choices.?Tell them you are happy with your new outlook and still love them deeply. Religion should never be thicker than blood. In time, hopefully they will realize with your knowledge from this board, and never ending love, what really matters in life. You know what the struggle is about. Don't ever forget It, or substitute it for an illusion.
• 

  exjdub

  coolcat,

  Welcome to the forum. I hope you stay for a while and continue to read, ask questions, and share your viewpoints. I think the thing that is most comforting about being here is knowing there are others that either have been where you are, or are going through very similar circumstances now. Take comfort that you are not alone.

  I also wanted to make comment about what your friend said:

  Some day when you are old and gray and rocking in a chair on a porch somewhere you aren't going to have your parents, sisters, maybe not even friends. .you'll just have your memories and you make your memories"

  That was a very profound statement and that would have reached me if I was still in. I am going to tuck that one away for use later. Your friend is a smart cookie. Thanks.

  exjdub
• 

  nelly136

  nice to meet you

  http://www.angelfire.com/vt/rcwn/Pagefifteen.html

  EMOTIONS FELT BY VICTIMS OF EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
  They feel insecure, unimportant, unworthy and generally bad about themselves
  They doubt their ideas and needs
  They feel isolated
  They may have consistent physical ailments as a result of the stress
  They always feel as if they in a FOG unable to think clearly as a result of being manipulated to feel Fear, Obligation and Guilt

  TOOLS USED TO CREATE FOG
  Making demands seem reasonable
  Making the victim feel selfish
  Labeling with negative qualities and connotations
  Pathologizing or crazy making
  Making a demand that needs an immediate response
  Allying themselves with someone of authority or influence i.e. parents, children, mental health professionals, religious leaders etc.
  Comparing the victim to a person that the victim does not like or is in competition with
  Learning the victim's "triggers"
  Assess how much pressure to apply before the victim will give in

  CHARACTERISTICS OF THE VICTIMConstantly seeks approval
  Does their best to avoid anger and keep peace
  Takes the blame for anything that happens to others
  Has compassion and empathy
  Tends to feel pity or obligation
  Believes they need to give in because it is the “right thing to do”
  Has self-doubt with no sense of their worth, intelligence or abilities
  

  CHARACTERISTICS OF AN EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILER
  Has great fear of abandonment and deprivation or of being hurt
  Feels desperate
  Needs to be in control of things
  Experiences frequent frustration
  Has thought distortions regarding the reasonableness of their demands
  Has had someone emotionally blackmail them and sees that it works to get them what they want

  WHAT IS NECESSARY TO STOP EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
  The victim must begin to look at the situation in a new way.
  They must detach from their emotions.
  They must realize that they are being blackmailed and that it is not appropriate for the blackmailer to be treating them in that manner.
  They must make a commitment to themselves that they will take care of themselves and no longer allow this abusive treatment.
  They need to see that a demand is being made on them and that it makes them uncomfortable.
  They must determine why the demand feels uncomfortable.
  They must not give into the pressure for an immediate decision.
  They must set boundaries to be able to take time to consider the situation and to look at all of the alternatives to make the decision.
  Finally, they must consider their own needs first for a change, in this process.
• 

  AllAlongTheWatchtower

  "divorced and of course my family welcomed me back in w/ open arms"

  "I'm scared of being left all alone"

  "I have a worldly best friend who is always trying to encourage me to get out and live my own life"

  "don't want to feel so miserable and 'in prison' "

  From your statements and general tone of your post, I get the impression that maybe you moved back in with your parents after your divorce? I could be way off base on that one, but I just get that feeling. The first step to you achieving independence and freedom, if so, will be to find some way to move out on your own, or with a roomie...maybe this friend of yours, Alicia. Assuming I'm right, this will help in many ways: one, you will need a job to be able to pay bills; this will give you an excuse to get out of the house and out of meetings, service, etc. Two, once you have some money of your own, you can move out, with the obvious benefits of not living at home with people that you no longer agree with philosophically. Three, doing all these things will require more interaction with those people you would have called "worldly" up until now, which will help you establish a new guideline of what is 'normal' and where you are in life. You definitely should try to develop more "outside" friendships.

  Depending on how sneaky or brave you feel like being, the further you move, the better. Far enough so that you would have to attend a new kingdom hall is best, that way people who know you now will be less likely or able to check on you, and you can start slacking off on attendance. Course, if I'm wrong all this is pretty useless advice. My older siblings escaped the Worldwide Church of God pretty much by doing all the above as soon as they could. I sympathize with you greatly, as you remind me of my oldest sister- she too had a failed marriage "outside of the church" which resulted in a split that never healed in my family. I ended up in state care as a teen, so much of the process of escaping was done for me.

  If I'm right though, be careful about your computer usage-if it's your parents' computer and they are pretty computer literate, they can check back to see what sites you've visted. Have to be sly, always reach this site and other "apostate" sites from a search engine, not directly, and delete cookies and history if you know how. Sorry if that's elementary to you, and you're already aware, or if this doesn't apply in the first place because my initial guess was wrong...but even if you live on your own and family visits you, they could check your computer. The best solution of all is to use a library computer, for the time being.

  Best of luck to you, and hope you stick around here long enough to escape there.
• 

  coolcat

  Hello again everyone. I tried to get onto the site again but was having problems with the server or something so I'm glad I was able to get on today and read everyone's wonderful comments... I'm sorry if I don't thank everyone personally but I am so very thankful for everything everyone said. I will respond to the last one and to EXJUB who remarked about Alicia's comment because I agree with you .. when she said that I had never once in my life thought so far into the future because I am the type that is always in fear of time going by too fast and those I care about growing old and dying but you are right it was so very profound and really did effect me in a big way and I have told her that since so thanks for commenting about it. As far as my situation... I was living on my own in an apt about 35 min from my parents when I met Dale my exhusband at my place of work and he was interested in me and it was such a new and wonderful feeling because as a W you are so sheltered and I never went on dates of course or even dated another witness because I never achieved the spiritual level that I would be considered a good mate so I was about 23 yrs old at this time and so very lonely and longing for a relationship that for the first time in my life I didn't kindly reject him and say something about my religion and walk away and I got to know him .. I am 29 now and he is 38 now and he has two young kids that I got very closed to.. I ended up falling in love with him.. Here's the kicker his father is a Nazarene preacher. Dale himself worked a lot and had dealt w religion being shoved down his own throat so much that he didn't go to church or pressure me to (though his parents were a slightly different story) so we had that in common. The problem was that we never had a chance.. with me being scared to join his church and him being so against what I was brought up in it was so hard.. I tried and tried to balance the two but the pressures from both sides became so intense that I went into a bad depression where I could do nothing but sleep pretty much all day long and didn't clean the house or cook dinner , I just felt frozen and terrified of everything and Dale couldn't deal with it and pushed me away and I ended up in the hospital after having thoughts of suicide ( never attempted it ) but it got that bad .. I was just so tired of feeling like I could never direct myself or my own life and even when I tried it still held me down .. I was in the mental ward of a hospital for about a week and still after everything my marriage ended and I didn't move back in w/ my parents .. instead my mother was very good friends w/ a sister also named Kathy who has been pioneering for 40 yrs who helps run an apt bldg and lives in it about 15 min away from my parents and they just sort of dropped me in there. I was so heartbroken and lost like a leaf fluttering in the wind that I didn't try to stop it. I lived there a year and then moved in with a friend and workmate named Judy who is 51 where I live now. ( I am using her computer to access this site and would never even google something on a computer at my families, my younger bro is a whiz and programmer) I do have some new plans for my life though I'm actually having gastric bypass surgery the 24th of this month and afterwards staying w/ my sister for a week so I will have someone to take care of me ..I told the doctor that I won't accept blood even though a part of me doesn't care I still said no for the slim chance that someone could find out because of the committees and all that in the congregations, I guess I feel at this point like I would rather die and leave my family at least somewhat proud of something in my life then have to live w/ them knowing I did that, it is just another case of me making a decision for my family .....anyway, I was able to get a 401 K loan to pay for the surgery and pay off my bills so I will be able to get my own place again this year so I will no longer have to rely on my family. Another big part of my situation is I am dating again a very sweet 27 year old man I met online and of course nobody knows about it.. I live the epitome of a double life but I know how unhealthy it is so I have to get out.. I hope I was able to cover any unanswered questions... again I appreciate everyone's advice and will follow it to the best of my means.. I really do feel a lot of love here
• 

  avidbiblereader

  Welcome Coolcat, there is plenty of info available here but the number you are looking for is

  1-800-SEE-YA, wouldn't want to be ya.

  abr
• 

  coolcat

  Oh something I forgot to add..... Dale's father married us in a church and while I was so happy because I loved him (still do actually) so much I didn't get to feel the complete happiness a bride feels because none of my family was there of course and the whole time I was thinking to myself if God was so unhappy because I was in a church and would the demons start bothering me, all that.. I also attended a sunday service one time and just felt so scared and uncomfortable almost the entire time.. I don't know if I will ever be able to be comfortable in any other religious setting.. I did tell my mother and family about being married in a church .. I even showed my mom pictures from it that I cropped out the cross behind us from and I almost cried one day because I saw that pic on my moms mirror. that is what hurts me so much is that I truly know how much my family loves me but they are just .. brainwashed is the only word I can think of but anyone on this site knows that their hearts are in the right place and no matter happens when we die I know my family and everyone that tries to please a creator in their own way will be okay.. my mom told me that I would have to join a new kingdom hall and tell the elders everything but that since I was inactive for so long I would prob still be ok.. well I lied and told my mom I did have a long talk w the elders because I knew my mom wouldn't go to them and bring it up and I didn't think the new elders would find out something like that anyway .. I even had guilt over that for a while ... okay I'm done now.. sorry for the novels
• 

  coolcat

  avidbiblereader .. someday I hope to be able to joke about everything and be so lighthearted as everyone else.. I really do