by Check_Your_Premises 18 Replies latest jw experiences
I think I'm trying to say that you have to lay down your rules. It's your house, too. You have religious freedom, and you should be able to do what you think is right. No one likes walking around on egg shells in their own home.
You're right. But unfortunately, most Witnesses don't see it that way. They will not respect their mate's decision to leave the religion, but they'll totally expect you to respect their decision for still going to the Hall.
I think as ubm's we have to give up our desire to control this outcome, and be willing to say that if they choose this life we respect it.
That is soo hard to do. Not so much respecting the life they choose, but giving up the fight to get them out. But if you are still fighting (however subtly) to get her out, that undermines the respect for her decision.
I see my husband wasting his time and our money running back and forth to meetings, service, assemblies, etc. His mood is often dependent on how things are going in the congregation. When I think of the fact that he could refuse a blood transfusion for himself and lose his life for this cult, I want to pound all the things I've learned onto the table and make him understand. But I can't. For now, at least, I've backed off completely. He has his life, I have mine, and we don't talk about it.
when I describe an issue I have, such as the control of information, I always preface it with "I dont expect you to see it this way, this is just my perspective, can you see why I would see it that way?"
I think that's a great way to present it! Asking, "can you see why I would see it that way?" makes them think, put themselves in your shoes. Perfect!
The kids DO need you to present the other side of the coin to them. I think it's good, though, that they've seen you study, go to meetings, etc... They know that you know what the WT teaches. You've informed yourself. You can't accept it, though. If they want to know why, you're willing to tell them. If they aren't too indoctrinated yet, their natural curiosity will save them.
GGG
That is soo hard to do. Not so much respecting the life they choose, but giving up the fight to get them out. But if you are still fighting (however subtly) to get her out, that undermines the respect for her decision.
That is the challenge isn't it.
What do you do when someone you care about is being self-destructive? All sorts of people deal with this issue, not just ubm's.
CYP
What do you do when someone you care about is being self-destructive? All sorts of people deal with this issue, not just ubm's.
Well, if we take a page from Al-Anon, we:
It has been so long since I talked to you jgnat. your last post just reminded me why I love and have missed you so much. I wasn't familiar with the alanon approach but it was one I was settling on once I modified my model of her cult personality to be an addiction rather than simply an abusive relationship. too much info alert!!! I am typing this on the crapper using my cool new phone
I am typing this on the crapper using my cool new phone.
I know what a bm is--what's a ubm?
I think your approach, outlined above, makes sense.
We had a CO whose rotation put him in our congo right around Christmas for a couple of years and he used to start each service meeting with a suggestion about how to handle householder objections about our refusal to celebrate the holiday.
I really liked his suggestion and I, and a number of others in that congo, used it for years. It went like this:
"Yes, it's true, we don't celebrate Christmas. But we recognize that many people do, and they do so with the best of motives. Our decision not to celebrate is an informed decision based on our understanding of scripture. We only ask that you respect our right not to celebrate the holiday, just as we respect your right to do so."
I'm paraphrasing, but it was long those lines. I used this many times, both at doors and particularly at work and with neighbors. It almost always defused the situation and put things in perspective and we could get on with our respective roles.
I think as ubm's we have to give up our desire to control this outcome, and be willing to say that if they choose this life we respect it.
Do say "if you choose this life, I will continue to respect you, and respect your decision."
Stand by what you said. Give respect. Assume the JW is an intelligent, caring, spiritual
person- as they usually are. You cannot ask them to respect your "giving in to Satan"
unless you respect their "giving in to WTS." While that's oversimplified, that's how each
side feels.
DO NOT "give up our desire to control this outcome." Readjust that to say- I will never give up
hope that the JW will learn the truth. I won't strive to drag them out of the borg, kicking and
screaming, but I will continue to answer questions and provide thoughts where appropriate.
You are not controlling a person, by controlling the flow of information you provide to them.
It is still up to them to process it, so your desired outcome will only be achieved through
their willingness to accept true information. Never give up hope. They WILL come out of the
cult eventually- just might be a long time coming. You are not "controlling" the outcome or the
person- but you are assisting and preparing them. You know they are not giving up hope that
you will succome to the WTS, so your hope must be as strong or stronger.
I blast WTS on this forum. I throw out phrases like "I believed this crap." "Nonsense"
"Mind-control cult" I do not use those phrases with my wife. I will literally stop in mid-sentence
to catch myself belittleing the WTS and it's followers, and soften the words. Nobody wants to
listen to a person insulting their intelligence or faith, then say "I respect you." JW's are victims
of a cult- they don't want to remain ignorant, they don't want to shun family (as individuals, generally
true). Treat them as fully functional intelligent people who happen to be ignorant of facts that they
are not prepared to accept.
what's a ubm
Unbelieving Mate
