Help settle a debate. Internet relationships... (page 2)

jaguarbass

A stay at home dad posted on Craig's list that he was looking for platonic email correspondance with a lady, someone to talk about life with, insights into relationships, a reason to turn on the computer in the morning et cetera......

My fiance occasionally finds herself seeking relationships with select people online and getting into soulful conversations with them. She feels that people can be their truest selves in these moments. To share the quirks of life with random fellow Americans is somehow thrilling to her. Her intentions are pure. She is reciting this to me at the moment.... She stands by the opinion that good judgment, paired with common sense can keep these types of relationships positive.

It is my opinion that developing relationships online like that can be dangerous. Who knows who this guy is. What are his intentions? Will he become a nuisance? I even feel that online relationships like that are negative in that they are not reality and they can rob you of life.

She wants to write to him. I have said no and have tried to implement the subjection issue which is a little shaky at the moment.

Just trying to get a concensus. Thanks!

Your asking for an opinion. Here is mine. Your situation would not fly with me. It seems your significant other has needs that you are not filling. Or she doesnt want you to fill them. You say fiance, which to me says you intend to marry her. I can think of several views of marriage. Legally it is a financial contract to share property and expenses. If that is what your looking for from your fiance and she has a lot of dinero maybe you can come out allright in the relationship. Many people view marriage emotionally, perhaps you lust after your fiance and you want to capture her for yourself exclusively, she seems like she might have a lot of spirit for you to tame. If she doesnt have an awful lot more money than you and your looking for an emotional relationship, I see red flags flying. Unless your both very naive, which is a possiblity if you grew up in a kingdom hall, something doesnt smell right. But now that you have left the borg you could get married and both be swingers and that is an alternate lifestyle. Or she could swing and you could be a voyer. Once you leave the watchtower there is no paradise and there are no rules. If it feels good do it. You dont have to buy the cow to taste the milk. Thats my food for thought for you.

diamondblue1974

I have no doubt that there are exceptions to the rule and that there are genuine people behind their screens however the internet provides a forum for people to hide, for people to pretend to be what they are not and to ultimately deceive. This presents a real danger and we should be careful.

The question should in your case be, whether your husband, wife, partner would mind you having such a platonic friendship normally; if you speak to your online friend everyday, would your husband, wife, partner mind if they came over for coffee everyday, particularly when your husband, wife, partner wasn't present? Would your husband, wife, partner mind if you went over to your internet friends house everyday without your husband, wife, partner being there too?

I am not for one minute suggesting that platonic friendships are wrong and that your respective husband wife partner should go everywhere with you, but where such relationships exclude the other partner, involve confiding in your marital problems, and involve intense feelings for each other, then its simply wrong.

Affairs are not just physical and or sexual they can also be emotional too; if there is an emotional attachment to that person which excludes your husband, wife, partner whether it be over the internet or otherwise - its infidelity - simple!

DB74

megsmomma

I am with the majority on this one. The lonely guy could join some stay at home groups to get some company, or find activities to do with his kids....I don't think having a reason to get on the computer every morning is a good excuse even! He seems to have ONE thing on his mind....and...to me.....it screams DANGER.

Like it was said.....Finding companionship is something we are doing here with all sorts of people..and it is great and fullfilling.....That is what people without alterior motives do.

SPAZnik

Has is occurred to you to invite her to join you online here at JWD?

GoingGoingGone

Her intentions are pure. She is reciting this to me at the moment.... She stands by the opinion that good judgment, paired with common sense can keep these types of relationships positive.

Assuming that this is 100% the case, that she has pure intentions and intends to have a positive relationship with this guy... Isn't it possible that there are hidden dangers that she is unaware of? That it might be easier than she thinks to become too involved with someone, emotionally, if they get along well and just 'click'? And that she may be jeopardizing your relationship if that does occur?

The world is full of interesting things to do, and it just seems to me that taking a chance with your relationship wouldn't be an option if it were truly valued.

Just my opinion.

GGG

Been there

My 2 cents.....Be it right or wrong, good or bad, If it doesn't sit well with YOU and you have told her so and she still wants to do it? Then I would say she will not care about your feelings in the future either. Either get used to it or start looking for someone who wants to live within your boundries of comfort. I would not want someone "I LOVE" to have to worry about any possible problems that might arise. Innocent as it may be.

Okay, so it was 3 cents worth.

new boy

After you have given her a healthy warning..........You should then let her

Do what she wants!

A person should be able to talk to whoever they want to.Next thing you will tell her what books she can and can't read.

Control is the death to any healthy relationship...

If you are secure in your relationship it shouldn't be a problem.

blessings my friend

kid-A

These sorts of relationships lay the groundwork for a potential "emotional affair"...which can be as devastating to a relationship as a full blown sexual affair. Its playing with fire, plain and simple. But the underlying reasons need to be addressed here. Why is she seeking out these "meaningful" and "deep" relationships with complete strangers online, when she is preparing to spend the rest of her life with you? Just doesnt make sense. Lots of people have platonic friendships from the past that often carry on into a marriage, even with members of the opposite sex. But this is different....this is actively seeking out new relationships with other men, which should be setting off major alarm bells. You need to get this resolved while still in the "fiance" stage of your relationship. Things get a lot more complicated after getting married.

serendipity

I'd tell her to find a woman rather than a man.

bikerchic

She stands by the opinion that good judgment, paired with common sense can keep these types of relationships positive.
It is my opinion that developing relationships online like that can be dangerous. Who knows who this guy is. What are his intentions? Will he become a nuisance? I even feel that online relationships like that are negative in that they are not reality and they can rob you of life.
She wants to write to him. I have said no and have tried to implement the subjection issue which is a little shaky at the moment.
Just trying to get a concensus. Thanks!

From someone who has maintained an online relationship with a man for nearly 10 years, and yes it's always been strictly platonic as we both and I think this is the key, you both must be on the same page with intent.

We've exchanged many, many perhaps thousands of emails telling jokes, sharing family pictures, family stories our joys our sorrows. He was a strength to me during my divorce, I was a strength to him during a loss of a mutual online friend. We've spoken on the phone several times. I've spoken with his wife, he's spoken with my husband. I tell my husband the funny jokes he sends me via email. We've sent each other things through snail mail as well. This is a very wonderful friendship and one I cherish and value. I would never want to loose it and to cross the line as it would would harm that wonderful friendship. I would never want his wife or my husband to view our IM's or emails and see anything going on between us but the friendship we share.

Ten years of this friendship and I think we've passed the test of where we stand with each other. There is no emotional affair going on I have a perfectly wonderful marriage and so does he, he shares with me normal everyday things and is an encouragement to me as I am to him with common interst. We met on a bike site years ago and continue to share that comonality. We also have gone months without contact due to our busy lives, I'm not slighted one bit and neither is he, we catch up from time to time and it's just like old times. Eh, maybe it's maturity at play too we are both old pharts plus he is a gentelman through and through.

1. No secerecy

2. You need to speak to him as well as her

3. If she meets him IRL you should also be with her

4. Her time with him online shouldn't be at the expense of neglecting you

I hope that helped lay out some guide lines. Remember trust is the key ingrediant to a lasting relationship.

Help settle a debate. Internet relationships...

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