Hey what's up everyone? how's it going ? hope everything is going alright. Im not doing too bad, just relaxing and doing alot of thinking. To start off, I am 20 years old and i live in Canada, i have recently left the jw organization about 5 months back, in the summer. Id like to share my experiences i had with the jw's for the past 20 years i was in it, so if your interested, please read and enjoy. You might find out that alot of the feelings you had, i had also. And probably even the same experiences. But this is not only about me, or for my benefit, but it is also for other peoples benefit too, those who need comfort after leaving the jw organization. So I hope you benefit and find comfort in my story.
CHILDHOOD
As a child, i was brought up as a Jehovahs Witness. My parents, grandparents, relatives, deeply involved in the religion. My dad was an elder for about 20 years until a few years back., due to health problems, he could no longer serve. And my mom was a pioneer, even attended pioneer school at one point, and actually still is pioneering this very moment. My cousin is actually in bethel right now, and i was trained and encouraged to be like him, and go to bethel as well. Going to meetings and going in service was automatic, no one questioned it, we just went. I never missed any meetings, barely ever. Even if i was sick, i would have to go. Just so our repuation of being good witnesses would be pursued.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL DAYS
Well, life growing up was a little challenging to say the least in school. It was because i could not be like any other normal kid at school, i always felt like i was on the outside and the kids knew i was different from everyone else. I could not participate in any sports, and believe me, i loved sports, so that was hard to take. I wasnt aloud to stand for the national anthem, celebrate holidays, etc. When it came "hot dog day", i wasn't even aloud eating the hot dogs the school staff provided, because they served hot dogs with blood in them apparently. So, i had to bring in my own hot dog for them to cook. Due to the blood policy the jw's have. I remember one time on rememberance day, my teacher dragged me out into the hallway and asked, why don't you wear a poppy ? or participate in rememberance day ? Well at the age of 9, i just responded saying "It's against my religion". So all in all, everyone clearly saw me as different from an early age.
As a kid, you just want to fit in and be accepted by your friends, and teachers. I didn't feel i was accepted by anyone but my family, and those in the jw organization. I was taught to believe that everyone outside the organization was "bad association", and were not to be trusted. And that those outside the organization were part of the "lost sheep". They were on the "dark side", and known as "goats". And we were the sheep. I find it kind of funny actually now that im out out of the religion and think outside the box.
JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL DAYS
Alright well this is when things got real messed up. I started to pretend i wasn't a jw any longer. I said to myself, im not going through all this bullshit for the rest of my school days. I even attended a junior high where their was no kids from the elementary i attended, that way i could hide my identity even more. So i had to make new friends, and live a double life. From them 3 years i was in junior high, no one knew i was a jw, why ? because i wanted to be accepted, and i wanted to feel like a normal kid. Even the teachers didnt know. Every time the national anthem came on, i would simply ask the teacher, "may i use the washroom?". And they must of thought i was weird for doing that every single day in the morning, but that's what i did for 3 years of my life. I would sometimes stand up for the anthem, but id'd feel completely bad for doing it, because i knew god didnt approve of it, and maybe id lose out on eternal life. I lived in fear, like most jehovahs witnesses do.
The jr high days had its fun times, but on the most part, i dreaded going to school trying to cover up my way of life. But after a while, i mastered it. And no one knew i was part of the jw's. But that doesnt mean i got use to it. It was hell, because i couldnt go out on the weekends and hang out with "wordly people". And i couldn't go out with any girls, so that sucked, obviously. So when i did make friends, and they wanted me to hang out with them on the weekend, id have to reject their offer and spend my time with my family, or other jehovah witnesse kids. Which didn't happen often, moslty because their wasn't many jw kids around.
Since i was very athletic, the gym teachers and kids would ask me to join up for hockey and other sports, and as much as i would have loved to, id have to say no. And yeah, i felt like a loser and felt like i missed out on alot my youth in them 3 years. I didn't want to dissapoint my parents, or dissapoint god. Id feel guilty if i did anything against what the organization said. I would live in fear of not living up to the organizations rules and expectations, and guilt if i failed them. And i feared how my parents would view me as, and feel guilty if i dissapointed them.
HIGH SCHOOL DAYS
Ok, well the high school days weren't that bad. Parlty because they stopped playing the national anthem, and that was a big releif for me. Nobody still never knew i was a jehovahs witness. Only the kids I left in them elementary days knew who i was and what i was part of. But by this time, i haven't seen many of them around so it wasn't a big deal. I still watched my association in high school, nothing changed up to this point. I was still living in fear and guilt, etc. And i went out with a "wordly" girl in grade 11, only to have it's end after i told her i was one of jehovahs witnesses. Which was very difficult to do anyways, since i had to keep it secret. But it sucked, because she was a really cool person that i got along with well.
So i stuck with going out with girls in my religion. But one thing about most girls in that religion. They want someone whos doing well in it, someone to look after their "spiritual needs" and responsbilites. In them days, i was doing well. I got baptized when i was 16 in front of 3 thousand people at a jw convention, which was pretty weird now that i think about it. After that, i started pioneering. But that didn't last long since i didn't like forcing my beleifs on someone else. I basically got baptized because every other kid was doing it, and it would please my parents. And same with the pioneering. Most jw parents wouldnt let their daughter date a guy whos not baptized, so what do you think i did ? yeah i got baptized. They say it shows a level of maturity when you get baptized, and a level of knowledge of responsibility, all that crap. So that's why i got baptized. I wanted to be respected and i wanted to be accepted in my religon. I wanted to date, like most young people did. I didn't do it because i wanted to do it and my heart desired it. No, i did it for the wrong reasons. And i still see kids to this day, doing it for the same reason i did.
THE DISASTEROUS GRAD PARTY
Ok so i had a big grad party after i was done high school. We rented out this big hall etc. I invited all my jw witness friends, the majority from far away (6 hour drive or more). Every witness kid i knew attended. They stayed at my house, and the girls slept inside the house while the guys slept outside in the tents. All that crap. Ok well, at the time, we decided to get strobe lights for my party. And some people drank after the party.SO yah seemed like a good time, everything went right..........well wrong. I found out that the elders disagreed with some of the things that happened and now had to investigate the whole situation. They found out i had something to drink at the party and i was only 18 years old, under age drinking. Ok whatever, put me on reproof.
Now my parents were brought into it, saying they were the ones reponsible about what happened at my grad party and after the party at my house. Ok well it ended up my mom got disfellwshipped because she wouldnt apologize for what didnt happen. And the elders were just accusing her of things that didnt even happen. Like her and my dad for being drunk and passing out alcohol for under agers. Yeahh well my mom came home that night crying her eyes out telling me it wasnt my fault, but shes disfelloshipped. Now my dad got real mad at the elders and he confronted them about it, and they threw him on public reproof for "a fit of anger". So me and my dad were announced the sametime on the stage that were on reproof. Wow, once a very spiritual family ,now just eroding away slowly. Ieven remember hearing them saying "Is that not something part of the world"? them strobe lights !" So it was a witch hunt. The elders didnt like my family to begin with, mostly because they were into favortism, and didnt do things the way the society did it. And my dad happened to disagree with them on it. That congregation was so corrupt, it was unbelieveable.
Well, after all, my mom appealed her disfellowshipping, and another group of elders came in to look over the case. It turned out that she had done nothing wrong, and my mom shouldnt have even been brought into a judical comittee. So she kept on pioneering and etc. Ok so this made me think, are the elders guided by holy spirit ? Are they really sent down from god to protect people ?
I went thru so much that year. We eventually switched congregations, and attended another one. But it caused division between my parents because my mom wanted my dad to "forgive and forget" and stay in the congregation, but he wouldnt't. And that caused many problems in my family. And my mom would listen to the elders over my dad, since people are taught to listen to the elders over anyone else. So one elder was telling my mom to stay in the congregation, while my dad said no, lets go to a different one. So it caused alot of un needed problems.
After the judicial commitee i was in, they placed me on public reproof. As i was walking out of the door on my way home out of the kingdom hall, one elder hallors out to me "i guess you won't forget the time you had your grad party hahahaha" and laughed. Well that hurt me alot, and i wanted to kick that guy in the face i swear. I should have now that i look back. But was that really love ? everything that went on ? was it really guided by holy spirit ? i think not. Me and my family were treated horribly.
I started doing my research after that, feeling down and out. I felt like my familys repuatation meant nothing after all the hard work they put into it. The friends i had i found out weren't my friends. Because some of them told the elders lyes about what went on, they told the elders what they wanted to hear, not what happened. So i lost alot of so called "friends" in the religion, who try and still talk to me, but i won't talk to them. My parents say the elders are imperfect, and that god will remove them at his given time. Which i cannot just accept. I just think it's bullshit that they were even appointed to begin with. But hey, the society programmed to think that way, so their gonna think that way, but not me any longer.
THE LIGHT IS GETTING BLIGHTER
Ok well i found out my friend from away felt the same way i did about the elders. That their no one special, and that they screwed over his family in the past too. We started looking at what they jw's might call "apostate" websites. And found out alot of stuff like the false prohpecys of 1975, and one doctrine that they don't teach anymore that really pisses me off, the doctrine that some of the generation living in 1914 would see the end. Which i believed since i was a kid. And i found out they have been recently part of the united nations from 1991 till 2003, and a bunch of other stuff that the Watchtower has covered over. Some rules that were applied many years ago, don't apply anymore for some reason. Why ? well the jw's say, the light is getting brighter. Yeahh. . .well i think not. I think its getting blighter. It's becoming more obvious that the watchtower is full of crap.
Well, i stopped going to meetings about 5 month ago, in August. My parents very dissapointed, and guilt tripping me all the time. I now i have a girlfriend who's not a witness, and ive never been this happy in a while. She's like my best friend, and she doesn't love me conditionally. In the organization everything is conditional, people will only show you love if your doing good in it, if your not, your labelled as a bad associate and marked as a threat. And thats what i found out about jw girls, they only like you if your doin good, if not, they'll find someone else whos doing better in the religion, which has happened to me already. But now im in the world, and im pretty much living with my lovely girlfriend.
Im not disfellowshipped or anything, just because i wanna keep in touch with my family. My family are lovely people, and they raised me good. I cant blame them for being part of a mind controlling cult. You only see the defects of the cult until your actually out of it, and do some research about the religion. Which jw's arent aloud doing, their only aloud doing "in-house" research about the jehovahs witnesses. Only aloud using their books and publications to gain an understanding of them, which i find really weird. And you'll get kicked out if you do look at other publications and information other then the societys, and i think that is very unbalanced. They think people cant live by the bible alone ,you need their publications. So i dont agree with alot of it.
Now that im in the world, im experiencing phycological problems, im still me though, the funny crazy kid. But i can tell im being effected mentally. I find i can't trust many people, i can't be around big gatherings, i find it hard hanging out with certain worldy people, just accepting how people live in general. I feel so alone in this world, but i know one of the ways the society makes people come back is the physological discipline. It's hard leaving the mentality i had for the past 20 years, but im slowly learning, and i will conqer it.
Many people commite suicide over this kind of stuff, comming from a cult, etc. And it's something very dangerous. And the only reason i left the organization, is because i felt like i could pull it off. But for alot of jw's, they are prisoned and want out, but they simply can't. They are trapped and imprisoned physcologically, which is very sad. I know this stuff, because i have felt it before. I wanted out long ago, but i coudldn't do it. It took me a while to drift off. It was something that took time. Now that im 20 years of age, im grown up now, and able to make my own decisions in life. I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday and stay true to myself. Not letting a religious organization make me think a certain way, feel guilty, or live in fear.
I am no longer living a double life, and i have found the jw organization a very critcial, demeaning way of life. I wasted many years in it, but i couldn't live it any other way since i was programmed to live that way. I was surrounded by it, i believed it. But thank god im out and i am now free. Alot of jws are very nice people, dont get me wrong, my family is in it. You can't blame them, because what they think is what they were brainwashed to think by the society. And i believed it, maybe you believed it, so we can't put too much emphasis on the people, but more on the watchtower society and how they use mind control to their advantage.
CONCLUSION
If you have read this far, thankyou very much and i hoped you enjoyed it. Sorry for it being so long, but i really had to get this story out there at one point or another. I hope maybe you have benefited knowing that your not the only person who feels the way i do, or went through a ton of hardship to get to where i am today, out of the organization. It's cool hearing other peoples storys and experiences, it gives me a sense of security knowing that other people went thru the same kind of things i went thru. Well, if your interested in getting in contact with me, i do have a msn address. it is [email protected], add me to msn if u want
Take care and hope to hear from you guys.