It took a little time to figure out what to write about for my very first tip. I thought to myself, "well, what makes dating work? Kino? Social proof?" However, I decided to go against jumping right into the dating tips, and focus on things that prevent most men from dating women in the first place. Two of these things are Fear and Rejection, and even fear OF rejection.
It's actually quite amazing how you guys still have trouble with this after all the rejection you faced as a JW, and even after leaving the JWs. You've had doors slammed in your faces, people yelling at you for doing Jehovah's work, and even having your "friends" and family reject you after you left the JWs for good.
Rejection hurts, especially when it comes from someone you've known and loved for a long time. But how about those you've never known or loved? Why does rejection hurt coming from a woman you don't know?
Society (no, not the Watchtower one, but the general one) has taught us that it's important to be accepted. We wanted to be accepted as a JW, and we now want to be accepted as a "worldling" (for lack of a better term). If we aren't accepted by other people, we don't feel important. If we don't feel important, we feel like shit, and our self-confidence goes down the toilet.
Acceptance is a two way street. You need to accept the other person, and they need to accept you to make any kind of a friendship or relationship work. If you experience rejection, it's just a way of someone saying they don't want a friendship or a relationship with you. That's all it really is.
Women will reject a relationship, but will offer a friendship to avoid hurting the man's feelings. Most of us know those dreaded words - "Let's Just Be Friends" (or LJBF). They reject the idea of a romantic relationship with you, but will make the effort to accept you as a friend (or just say it) to avoid hurting your feelings, because they know that rejection HURTS.
Now, let say you've approached a woman that you don't know, started some small talk with her, asked her out on a date, and she gives you the LJBF line. Why does it bother you? Because it's rejection of a romantic relationship, and it makes you feel unattractive to the opposite sex. However, rejection does NOT equal insult, nor does it equal the statement of "you're ugly". It's just a statement of "not interested", just like all those people at the doors who were satisfied with their own beliefs.
So, what did you do when you encountered a "non-interested person"? You went to the next door and tried again. You kept trying until you saw a sign of interest. Dating is EXACTLY the same way. There's no reason to feel bad about your physical appearance or any other reason that you THINK is preventing you from attracting women. Sitting in the corner, telling yourself how unattractive you are isn't going to help anything. Rejection is a part of life, and you must adapt to it if you want to survive. Those who adapt to how the world works will be the ones who come out winning. Those who shy away from it will get nowhere. I will try to help you adapt to dating situations that commonly come up. We've already started with LJBF.
How to respond to LJBF:
If you want lots of female friends, accept the LJBF statement. However, if you'd rather focus your energy and time on women who want to date you, counter-reject their friendship. Just tell her "I already have lots of friends" or "I can hardly keep track of the friends I already have. But it was nice to meet you!" and walk away.
Turning a friend into a girlfriend:
If you think it's a good idea to go this route, I'll tell you right now that it's a waste of time. If she's not sexually attracted to you now, she probably won't be sexually attracted to you later. Many men (including myself) have failed to turn a friendship into "something more". Even if you have very little dating experience, your odds will still be better if you move onto other women.
This is not to say that turning a friend into a GF (girlfriend) NEVER happens. I've done it once, and ONLY once after many attempts of going this route. But the benefits weren't worth it - I technically dated her for 1 1/2 months after 9 months of friendship. Although we parted on good terms, both the friendship and the relationship didn't pan out.
Although I will be pounding the efficient use of your time when it comes to women, much of it will NOT be wasted. Time is only wasted when you don't learn a lesson the first time. If she doesn't want to date you today, she won't change her mind in two weeks. Also, when you keep asking her to go out with you, you become an irritating pain in her ass, and she'll eventually blow her top at your inability to accept her answer of "NO".
Now, women rarely say the word "NO". Again, they don't want to hurt your feelings, so they say things that they believe will go over easier:
- "I only like you as a friend"
- "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"
- "I'm sorta seeing someone"
- "I just don't see you in that way"
- "I need some time to myself"
- "I need to experience things on my own"
You will hear a variety (and sometimes combination) of some of the above excuses not to date you. However, they all mean the same thing - NO. If you fail to take her first NO, then you will be wasting your time pursuing the fantasy of her eventually saying "yes".
Women use a lot of "subtle hints" to communicate. They do it quite well amongst each other, but men are usually not very good at reading it. A small tip: When you're in doubt of what she's saying, read her body language. A good example is when the following occurs:
You: Hi Honey! What's wrong?
Her: (arms folded with scowl on her face) NOTHING.
Her body language obviously says something IS wrong, but her words don't match it. These are the times you pay attention to her body language instead of her verbal communication. I'll get into more about this later.
Reasons not to be afraid of rejection:
1) Women are NOT offended by men who are attracted to them. However they ARE disgusted by men who are desperate for them.
2) This woman is most likely a stranger. She doesn't know you, her friends don't know you, and she's not going to make your life a living hell if she doesn't want to date you.
3) People who are strangers don't care what other strangers do in their lives.
4) Nobody (including this female stranger) is going to judge you on what you say and how you say it, because most people (including her) are too busy judging themselves.
5) Who gives a shit what she thinks about you? If she rejects you, she'll forget about you within a week anyway.
6) You will not be slapped by a woman if you approach her and try to land a date. That only happens in the movies and in people's minds.
7) If she acts like a bitch to reject you, she's going to be a bitch on a date and in a LTR (long term relationship). You're better off without her, and you can thank her for not wasting any more of your time.
8) If she rejects you, she's the one missing out on having a great time with a fantastic guy like you!