OK, I had a really terrible time Christmas Eve Night. I worked that morning and that went fine. We had our family over for the annual Christmas party. I had a good time talking to people I don't see that often. Around five or so, I started feeling very bad. All the pressures on me bombarded me at one time. My mind was racing through my concerns and I couldn't see anything working out. We were going to open up our family gifts, but mom wanted to wait a bit so I got on the internet and off-loaded what you find in the first post of this thread. We then did gifts and I received some nice things. My mom and brother were happy with what I got them, but I just couldn't get over the feeling that everything was going from horrible to worse.
I was an emotional wreck all night. I would start to cry over nearly anything. My head hurt and I felt like my heart was racing. I think it may have been a mild panic attack or something. Anyway, I had an emotional taxing night. I'd wake up every hour or so and my first thoughts were how upset I was with God.
I made it through the night but I ended up sleeping until after noon. Even still, I was worn out when I got up. We had dinner and then my brother and I went to visit dad and return some rental movies. Slowly, as we went out, I started to feel better. I was feeling a little better when we got to my dad's place, but I really started feeling better when I talked to the other ladyies that live at my father's assisted living home. They all know me and I'm somewhat of an adoptive grandson to them. The more I talked to them, the better I felt. We talked to dad and changed the batteries in his roomate's remote control.
We came back home and put in one of the movies we rented earlier. I was feeling better but I still felt bad about getting online because of how bad I felt that I overreacted in this thread. It took all I had to head over to Gabbly. I was positive everyone was going to be mad at me although, I'm not sure why. Well, I came and talked and felt even better.
OK, so I made it through this situation in one piece and I'm far enough away and yet close enough to evaluate my thoughts and reactions. Here are my observations at this time:
- I miss working with the elderly and I want to get back into that.
- I feel guilty way more than is healthy.
- I lack faith in my friends ability to love me when I'm down.
- I need to get out of my head daily.
- I love writing.
- I don't hate God, even though I don't understand why he allows so much wickedness and depression.
I know there are more as well, but these are a start. Now, I want to address all those who took the time to post even when I was stuck in my funk.
Purps, thank you for the kind words and for telling me a bit about what you went through. I'm sorry I discounted your first post, but it was my head not working properly that caused it.
AlmostAtheist, thanks for trying to get throught to me and trying to let me know that people care. I couldn't see that at the time. I do now.
AK - Jeff, thanks for the advice and fellow feeling.
lonelysheep, thanks for the hug. I needed that.
unclebruce, thanks for the link to the video.
serendipity, thanks for the hug.
BabaYaga, thanks for the hugs and jugs.
Little Drummer Boy, thanks for telling me you care and the offer of friendship.
wednesday, thanks for the tough love.
NowImFree, thank you for sharing your story.
praiseband, thanks for suggestion for the hospital.
MsUrsy, thanks for your empathy.
Mystla, thanks for the hugs and the cliches. I needed both.
sass_my_frass, thanks for the well wishes and the flower.
Linda, thanks for the hug caring.
Truthsearcher, thanks for the poem.
avidbiblereader, thanks for sharing your experience with me.
jgnat, thanks for the encouragment.
purps, thanks for checking in with me in the morning.
Jaguarbass, thanks for the words of encouragment.
Wasanelder Once, thanks for the cartoon.
OnTheWayOut, thanks for the suggestions.
Satanus, thanks for the suggestion.
restrangled, thanks for sharing your story and reminding me I have worth.
tijkmo, thanks for the empathy.
Schism, thanks for the encouragment.
Wild_Thing, thanks for the coping strategy.
Hannah, thanks for the caring and empathy.
deeskis, thanks for the hug and well wishes.
kitten whiskers, thank you for sharing your story and offering the encouragement.
bernadette, thanks for the caring.
Kate, thank you for the encouragement and touching words.
Everyone, thank all of you for the caring and love that you offered that I didn't mention. I just scared myself a bit and I'm so thankful for all of your kinds words and thoughts.