Just Want To Be Heard

by dubstepped 30 Replies latest jw experiences

  • dubstepped

    I've been lurking here for a while now, and I guess you could call me a fader. I don't have hate in my heart for the organization that I spent most of my life in, but I have had an awakening. Luckily, so has my wife, and that way I don't feel so alone. However, I have a lot of pain inside, and nobody to really share it with. I don't want to talk to particularly about my situation, as I'm a bit paranoid that someone will find me out and I'll lose what little I have. Actually, I don't have any friends anyway in the organization, as they only talk to me inside the Kingdom Hall and not often there, as I've never been in the cool club. I really don't have any family either, but my wife has some, and I don't want to cause her problems.

    I do love Jehovah, which may ruffle the feathers of some. I know that there's a wide array of people here, some that don't believe in any god, many that hate the one that Witnesses worship, and probably everything in between. To each his or her own. I don't hate Jehovah's Witnesses and don't ascribe all of the negative motives to them that some do, as I generally see them as well intentioned. However, I do see them as overzealous to the point of lunacy and a cult like following which creeps me out. I learned a lot of things growing up that really hurt me, but I've spent the past many years really widening my perspectives on things and learning how to be a better human being, not just a better dub. My wife and I have grown a lot as people and are much happier now, though things with my family are incredibly rocky. Lots of pain there, but I can't blame all of their dysfunction on dubdom, they came by a lot of it in their own histories.

    Anyway, I wrote a little something to lay out some of my feelings. It isn't like I can share them anywhere else, especially anywhere that anyone would appreciate them. I'm certainly no poet, but I like to put my feelings out in rhyme to whatever extent sometimes just to help me get them out. So, here goes..........


    By the things I was told

    That I'd never grow up, never grow old


    Watched my brother get disfellowshipped

    Another bird whose wings got clipped


    Dad gave public talks on happy family life

    But was much different with his own kids and wife


    Of doing something wrong

    About doing enough, being enough, to find out that I really don't belong


    Supposedly identified by our love, but marked by cliques

    Never found outside those four wall of bricks


    The world is evil, the deck is stacked

    It's just a matter of time until we're all viciously attacked


    With my pain, with nobody to hear

    Cognitive dissonance won't allow for anything but kingdom cheer


    The internet is a trap, electronics a distraction

    Until the organization decides to get a piece of that action

    Black or White

    You're wrong or you're right

    Nothing in the middle, it's the truth or a lie

    Conditional Love

    As long as I do what you want

    But as soon as I stop, it was all just a front


    Not everyone that overcomes adversity becomes a pioneer,

    The rest go to Bethel or become a circuit overseer


    Is seen as absolute, all good with no bad inside,

    But we expound on the good while the bad we hide


    Whoa is me, everything is bad

    Let's look to the future, as today is too sad


    Is a drudgery, something to endure

    If you enjoy what you do, you're investing too much in this world for sure


    I am my thoughts and as good as dead

    Because I can't control what goes on in my head

    I've got something to say

    I just want someone to listen

    I learned about Jehovah

    But something was missin'

    I did all the right things

    But didn't feel the love

    Now as I finally find myself

    I actually see help from above

  • helpmeout
    Beautiful thoughts. Well expressed! Thank you.
  • cha ching
    cha ching

    Yay! you made it! You "awoke", and so did your wife ;-)

    That is awesome! Writing is a great way to sort things out, I like your opening words, I think we can ALL ID with that:


    By the things I was told

    That I'd never grow up, never grow old".

    Next step? Start really living and enjoying life!

    Welcome ;-)

  • FayeDunaway

    That was beautiful.

    Im glad your wife is of the same mind as you. That's the most important thing.

    do some research on doctrine, and read the book of John. Get a different bible, too.

    im glad you're happier now that you're starting to see clearly.

  • JakeM2012
    Welcome to the board DS, I enjoyed your "Poem" short and to the point, and effective in letting the reader know your thoughts and feelings. You will have many "friends" here that will understand your Journey, as we have all been there and done that, but we have all reached out for a helping hand and I can say this site has helped me. We are all in a different "grade" level, of acceptance and healing. I hope you enjoy your stay here, and also wish that you may be able to mentally wrap your mind around all of this and move on. Again, Welcome
  • Ding
  • ABibleStudent

    Welcome dubstepped. I'm glad that you and your wife woke up together. Make plans to meet new non-JW friends. What do you like to do? If you are in a metropolitan area, you should be able to meet lots of poets and writers.

    Awesome poem. I wish it would appear in an Awake! or Watchtower.

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,


  • dubstepped

    Thanks for the welcome! Sorry the spacing in my poem is all messed up. I tried multiple times to space it out, and it seems to revert back no matter what I do.

    I've always seen things that made me question, and I've never been anyone's favorite because I would ask questions or challenge things. A quote that I recently came across on a podcast really struck me:

    Run with those that search for truth, and run like hell from those that claim to have found it.

    I think that the organization has a lot going for it. However, their laying claim to "The Truth" and refusal to apologize or acknowledge specific wrongs or imperfections set up a standard that they themselves can't live up to. It is funny that I've always been the guy to question things but for so many years I followed so many things with blind acceptance. Even funnier is that now that I'm no longer following blindly I've become a better student of the Bible because I can't just trust their interpretation of things as is.

    My wife and I both grew up in messed up families and very rigid congregations which limited our social structures and abilities. As such, we're now learning how to stretch our wings and fly a bit, reaching out to new experiences and the possibilities of building some relationships that aren't narcissistic like we're used to from our families and those around us. Thanks for the well wishes. :)

  • millie210

    Run with those that search for truth, and run like hell from those that claim to have found it.

    Love this and your poem as well.

    Thank you for sharing it.

  • Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Billy the Ex-Bethelite
    Roses are red,
    Watchtower fleeces the flocks.
    Welcome to the forum,
    Your poem really rocks!

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