Email from the ex ... "come back"

by merfi 37 Replies latest jw friends

LeslieV

I would just simply say thanks for your concern, but me and the girls are doing well. I personally am glad for you and you girls that you got away from the cult.
Leslie
nelly136

''thankyou for your immense concern regarding my wellbeing
your warmth feeling and compassion has touched the cockles of my heart........
......................................now piss off and go bother someone else ''
Abandoned

((((((((merfi))))))))
My ex wanted to get back together too. I told her I'd think about it and I did. She tossed me aside and I moved on.
merfi

ok... here is my reply. I haven't hit "send" yet...
__________________________________________________________________

I will reply to your email positively, despite it pissing me totally off.
The kids have "handled" the holidays quite nicely, having voluntarily taken part in anything holiday-related
activities they themselves chose. I emphasize "chose" as I've repeatedly given them them choices -- take part, or don't take part; either way, they had my support. We haven't addressed any of the 'religious' aspects of the holiday as I haven't any use for 'religion' right now, having been burnt by an overbearing, controlling and judgemental cult that is more a representation of the Pharisees they condemn with their hundreds of literature-based "laws" than the loving, accepting and forgiving Jesus whom they claim to follow, as you know. Instead, we celebrated with "pretties", friends and family, and have embraced the spirit of love and giving -- which is how I was raised and am therefore demonstratating as what *I* feel it's "all about". I don't "believe" in Christmas in the way you are asking. I think I explained that above. Just as I don't elaborate on the religious aspect of Christmas, neither do I condemn or speak badly of the JWs and their NOT celebrating.
Something that *really* doesn't set well with me is your comment about seeing the 'good' in me. Just who are you to judge this? *I* know I'm "good", but it took getting out of the JW religion and away from the condemnation of the elders and the conditional friendships of the 'love among themselves' "friends" to find it. I will NEVER go into those bonds again -- my mind and my heart, my beliefs and feelings have been freed. There is no going back. As for moving? Please. No way am I uprooting my family,
leaving my haven m my career, my friends (the ones that I can be completely myself with, tell anything to and NOT have them run to the 'elders' about it) and the closeness I have with them and my family to go back to some cult whose web of control and judgement reaches worldwide.
You will, I'm sure, follow the
script you've been indoctrinated with and tell me that "there is nothing else out there in the world", "where will you go?", "you can't be truly happy"... and so on. But the truth of it is, I've never been happier . "Out here" I can breathe . No longer do I have to live with a carrot dangling in front of me and a whip at my ass. No longer do I have to worry about trying to live up to impossible standards and reach unattainable 'goals'. No longer am I being judged by and accountable to a bunch of men who have no clue about love, forgiveness and most importantly -- kindness and compassion.
It matters not to me if a different congregation would 'embrace' me after all my "screw ups". Firstly, they were only "screw ups" according to the JW "rules", once again. And really, the only thing I did "wrong" was to be myself. And for THAT reason, going to a different congregation would change nothing. I no longer believe what the JW teach. And even if I believed *some*, I'd be expected to believe *all* and not ever question, just blindly believe or live in fear of my doubts or non-complian
ce being discovered . The way that I would be treated in any congregation is not in the least appealing. I would be accepted only if I gave the appearance of living up to the standards and expectations set out in the literature, in summary, not being true to myself.
If you're worried about the kids, talk to them. See what is on their minds. I've noticed nothing but happiness the last several months. If you see the opposite when they're there, it could be because they are somewhat scared of talking to you about it. They don't want to hurt you by you knowing they're partaking in many activites you wouldn't approve of, based on the JW teachings. They have been offered choices, religiously speaking. They're exploring, questioning, learning and experiencing. Without those opportunities, their own true-to-themselves choice can't be made. If at some point, they ask to go to a meeting I'll take them.
Comparably , if they wish to go to church with a friend, they will be allowed that as well.
No doubt your knowing that I've turned my back on what you feel I should "know is right" is freaking you out. That is because you have never known anything but the JW religion and couldn't possibly understand. It's like the community of people in the movie The Village -- they were told all their life that it was bad and dangerous 'out there' and to 'stay in the village'. They knew nothing different. Yet when one escaped, it was NOT the 1800's and there were indeed helpful, friendly people on the outside and a harmless and very enjoyable life. They were lied to in order to remain under the control of the village's leaders.
The parallels are blinding, but being forbidden to investigate the history of JW and the 'changing light', you'll never understand.
I did try to believe -- I felt that if I followed the 'rules', somehow the faith would follow. In reality, it never did. But truthfully, I'm thankful for that as it's allowed me to heal from it that much easier.
If there is an undertone of anger to this, it's not for the reaons you're probably rationalizing in your head, but for many wasted years. Wasted Christmases with my family, wasted birthday celebrations including missed smiles of joy, wasted time to be together. All things condemned by the WTS but are in reality so full of love and joy that it's just plain sad that they are against the Pharisaical rules. I can never regain those celebrations and times together and it's a huge regret to me. So all I can do is what I have been doing -- moving forward, for every step forward is one more away from the control I was at one time under. In reality, I'm actually sad for you. You've never known, and unless you're more of a thinking person that I'm aware of, you never will know, the warmth of unconditional friendships, the support of family with no strings attached and the freedom to be true to yourself.
So THAT is how I'm doing.
Abandoned

We haven't addressed any of the 'religious' aspects of the holiday as I haven't any use for 'religion' right now, having been burnt by an overbearing, controlling and judgemental cult that is more a representation of the Pharisees they condemn with their hundreds of literature-based "laws" than the loving, accepting and forgiving Jesus whom they claim to follow, as you know.
You are my hero.
merfi

((((((((merfi))))))))
My ex wanted to get back together too. I told her I'd think about it and I did. She tossed me aside and I moved on.
(((Abandonded)))) back at ya. Exes suck. We nearly reconciled about the time I was DF (I think he was preying on my lack of friends, support etc). I actually was offered a job in Omaha and was using the weekend to think it all over. Over that weekend, I used the keylogger I'd put on my computer ( the ex had been there for some reason or another that escapes me right now) and got into his email. And the floozy's email. Yup, still going strong. Didn't take the job, didn't move to Omaha, didn't get back with the ex. I don't share well. ~merfi
Cordelia

i really admire you i think that email is brilliant you are combating everything a typical jw (and stupid ex) would be about to think!
just one question tho, how come you bothered to get reinstated if you were gonna da yourself? sorry i know its not mauch to do with what you're saying i was just curious!
x
Abandoned

I don't share well.
I don't either. In fact, if I have to share, I just may take my life and go home...
juni

Your ex said:
i do see the good in you.......
You know when I first read your post - that line stood out. It was being patronizing. Has he treated you in a condescending way while you were married?
I have a question Merfi - Was your ex ever DFed for his adultery? or did he say what he had to and then move on to a different cong.? I know first hand that when that trust is broken you have a hard time believing what they tell you.
I praise you for giving your kids the opportunity to make their own choice as to religion or not. JWs or not.
Merfi if you want to PM me about my questions that's fine. It's entirely up to you.
Have a wonderful holiday with your children.
Juni
merfi

just one question tho, how come you bothered to get reinstated if you were gonna da yourself? sorry i know its not mauch to do with what you're saying i was just curious!
Hi Cordelia.
I didn't know that I was going to DA... I was DF in Oct 03, Reinstated in Oct 04. 2005 was kind of a weird year... still doing stuff I "shouldn't" have been doing (per JW Pharisee rules) and was going through a lot of crap with a 'rebound' relationship going bad. That crapped out in Dec '05 and I was a bit of confused til I approached the elders about all my bad stuff in February, expecting forgiveness and all that. Instead, I got 4 hours of how bad I'd been (they dug up crap from 1990 to show a "pattern"... WTF?) and that I was unworthy of life... and so on. It was kinda like a lightbulb (new light. hehe) went off in my head and I could almost instantly see this horrible cult for what it was. Nobody deserved to be treated like I was and I wasn't going to play their stupid games anymore. So after they 'dismissed' me and said they needed to deliberate (they were talking about rescinding my RI. Legalistic halfwits, I tell ya...) I went home and wrote out everything that had been bothering me the three years before that time that they'd been breathing down my neck. It ended up a 1200 word DA letter. I handed it in 4 days later, snubbed an elder that requested I meet with them after the meeting (that was the best moment of my life... saying "no" to an elder) and haven't talked to any of them since.
Ok, more than you asked....I get to rantin'....
Going to use my 30-minute window! Juni --
You know when I first read your post - that line stood out. It was being patronizing. Has he treated you in a condescending way while you were married?
I have a question Merfi - Was your ex ever DFed for his adultery? or did he say what he had to and then move on to a different cong.?
That line stood out for me, also. Like I care that HE sees the good in me. I think that's why I dedicated a whole paragraph in my reply to that. It just irked me beyond what I can even express. Very patronizing, as you said. He no longer matters to me and what he thinks of me matters even less. He was always somewhat emotionally manipulative when we were married, this doesn't really surprise me to see him write it.
No, he was never DF'd. He did exactly as you said -- did his JC where he got PR, then promptly headed out the doors of the KH and drove to the floozy's. He didn't go to much for meetings after that, kinda moved here and there for about a year then finally landed in Omaha. Where they "embraced" him. (*gag* )
~merfi

Email from the ex ... "come back"

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