Pressure to conform from his wife's congregation

by OnTheWayOut 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    So this guy I see occasionally at work (he's a traveling
    representative and passes thru now and then) is really easy
    to get along with, so we talk.
    He married a girl who was studying with JW's. His mom is
    a JW, but he used to study after he got married and
    discontinued the study after a few months. His wife got
    baptized less than a year after he married her. She had a
    young child from a previous marriage, the coworker had a
    baby with her recently.

    Anyway, to the point- He attends many meetings when he is
    not traveling. He goes for her sake and helps with the kids.
    He dresses in clean clothes, but hates to wear a tie, so he
    would not. He asked me about it, because the elders have
    been pulling him or his wife or both aside and encouraged him
    to start studying again. When he declines, they ask him about
    putting a tie on. He says they really tell his wife that he ought to
    try harder to "fit in." He asked what I think of it all.

    I told him that I was having problems with this religion, but I would
    answer his question in the spirit it came to me in. I said, "You are
    not a Bible student, You are not a baptized brother. First, they
    have no authority over you. Second, they should only be saying
    positive things about how wonderful you are to come and help with
    the kids. They should not have any counsel for you, or for your wife
    about you. It's wrong."

    That was months ago. I saw him recently. He said her son wanted to
    stop wearing a tie, because step-dad didn't. The brothers kept bothering
    his wife about it, so my coworker caved in and is wearing the tie, now.
    He says he misses more meetings, finding more excuses to not go.
    I asked if he preferred going without the tie more often, or going with it
    less often. He said there was more peace with the wife when he went
    a bit more often, so now he's getting pressure to step up the meeting
    attendance from the wife and the brothers.

    Just thought I would share that wonderful story with y'all. Any comments?

  • BabaYaga
    BabaYaga

    Yes.

    Thanks be to the gods I am out of there.

    Baba.

  • MinisterAmos
    MinisterAmos

    They will never be satisfied, and your friend will never be good enough.

    Farking vampires, man! They will suck him dry. It IS however a bit unusual that they are asking his wife to address the changes. He needs to find out which brother is speaking with his wife and put an end to that immediately. First for the obvious reasons and second because JWs don't play that way

  • sspo
    sspo

    Once again we see that some elders are nothing but idiots and making such a big deal about a tie instead of being kind and praising him for just being there with his wife and making meetings especially since he is not even baptized..

    Remind him to talk to the elders about approaching his wife behind his back.

    If they have any complains they should go directly to him, but most likely they do not have any balls to do it.

  • mustang
    mustang

    Ouch!!! A number of observations:

    (I was a Pioneer, proto-MS [I quit before the MS title was available] and wore the tie.)

    Did I ever think about "going back"? Actually, I considered it, to keep peace with my super-zealot father.

    If I did: NO TIE!!! You have to have something to keep them at bay, distinguish you from them. They think they are "winning" if you cave-in; they don't mind waiting years, though they can get really pushy.

    As someone mentioned, the guy ISN'T dedicated/baptized. Keep it that way or you are toast.

    You've caved-in, but you can back that off: show up periodically with no tie. Or have a clip-on and take it on and off :)

    No tie (& not baptized) keeps you from having PRIVILEGES: oh, what a shame!!!

    PRIVILEGES are greatly overrated. They are a carrot before you get them; then they became a stick, held over your head. Take it from someone who had quite a few PRIVILEGES and gradually peeled them all away. Besides, you never get the ones you really want :( otherwise, their system wouldn't work as well as it does.

    Recap: PRIVILEGES work if you buy that they are really PRIVILEGES (and not hard work, with little real reward and chains that bind).

    PRIVILEGES are a double edged sword: they seem positive while pursuing them but turn into a club when you get one. The second club is keep up the first while you are juggling for the next.

    LESSON FROM THE PRIVILEGE SCHEME: they "inch up on you". One little ratchet step at a time, you gradually get closer to the desired molded form. The trick is to drop back occasionally and NEVER get all the way there.

    If you hold off from STUDYING and NEVER start that BAPTISMAL QUESTIONS STUDY routine, you could play this off indefinitely. Or you could study, but never do the BAPTISMAL PREP.

    (I know someone who has done exactly that for decades: he travels 50 weeks a year, attends some meetings and does as he pleases. Use the travel to your advantage: tell them you go to meetings at the "far end".)

    Why did I never do it (go to meetings)? I moved away from all and toughed it out. I later discovered that I did the right thing: aside from being true to myself, it turns out that I left before the change in the baptism vows of the 80's. I now believe that if I started meetings again, I would have legally ratified those new baptismal vows: the new baptismal vows are really a noose-tightening to close legal loopholes in the JW paradigm.

    As a result of holding out, I now have a non-JW girlfriend who is rich. We love each other and are enjoying building a life together. The occasional disagreements are over things that matter, not religious BS.

    BTW, YOU (or your friend) are technically the head of the household and head of the woman. If things get scriptural, stress those laws that they are so fond of, point out your headship and quit while you are ahead (walk off, turn away and go do something MATERIALISTIC that consumes time). If you point that out and DON'T ABUSE IT, you could be able to play this game with them for a long time.

    The danger here is that they could come up with the "spiritual endangerment" angle. Just be supportive of her and ignore anything like scriptural arguments. Do the MATERIALISTIC thing and be very busy at something that you like to do.

    Good luck.

    Mustang

  • becca1
    becca1

    I knew a sister with an unbelieving mate how regularly attended meetings with her, had studied off and on,counted many witnesses as his friends, lived a clean, moral life, etc. but would never become a publisher or get baptized. Their son was a gifted athlete and Dad made sure he participated in team sports. The elders actually went to their home to meet with him and try to get him to see the "evil" of team sports. He did not back down and the boy continued to play.

    To this day I believe he never got baptized because he knew he would have to make his children give up things he knew were in no way wrong.

  • JWdaughter
    JWdaughter

    Poor guy is on his way to being assimilated. What would the captain do?

  • luvbug2007
    luvbug2007

    You are very right hes not babtised and not a study but hes helping his wife, where is the encouragement?! I always told my hubby if i returned I would show up in a thong string bikini. lol

  • luvbug2007
    luvbug2007

    You are very right hes not babtised and not a study but hes helping his wife, where is the encouragement?! I always told my hubby if i returned I would show up in a thong string bikini. lol

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    luvbug said:

    I always told my hubby if i returned I would show up in a thong string bikini. lol

    If you (22 yr old female) ever actually do that, post it on JWD first so we can all make plans to attend.

    Mustang, thanks for the comments. Later, please tell me what you meant.

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