Lost and looking for answers

by LynnTink 32 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • LynnTink

    This is my story. I was born a JW and never knew anything else because my parents shelter from everything but for other reason. From the time I can remember my dad beat my mom. My first recall was when I was 5 and he was choking my mom by the throat, she called me into the room because he would stop when I came into the room. He did not want to look ba in front of his little girl. My mom stayed because she did not have grounds for divorce. Well, I started to grow up and my dad turned to me sexually at age 11, it continued for a while. I know now that it stopped because I became very ill and the doctors did not know what was wrong with me. I now know that it was from repressing what was happening. He stpped but then started hitting my brother and me. I would stand toe to toe with him, which made my mom think I was a devil child. (I had not told her what had happened at that point) At 17 I wanted to get batized and I wanted a clean conscience so I told my mom what he had done to me at 11. He denied it at first but then he confessed that I was telling the truth. They did not tell the elders and she stayed with him still.

    I got baptized, poineered, met a brother got married had kids. We had a good marriage, he was an elder, we had bible studies, the book study at our home, the boys were unbaptized pulbishers etc etc. Well there was an article on incest and my husband told the elders what happened to me. The elders met with my dad and never talked to me at all. Well, a few years later my best friend (an elders wife too) decided she wanted my husband and they had an affair. They got caught together 3 times and the elders did nothing because he was an elder and her husband was too (but more importantly her husband was best friends with the PO). The elders finally had to meet with them and they decided to private reprove them because it would be better for the congregation and the families. Her husband forgave her the same day he found out about the affair. I could not forgive my husband. My husband and I did divorce after all the nightmare that followed. I eventually met a worldly man and was DF for 8 months. While I was out my husband told all kinds of stories about me that were not true to hind what he had done. When I got reinstated he went nuts because my friends were there for me finally. (I was 35 at the time). Two months after I was reinstated my ex husband killed himself. I found out later he was sleeping with a sister and did not want to get in trouble.

    So that is my story. My problem is I think I have lost faith in everything, but I have two wonderful boys I have to be strong for and help make the right decisions for. I no longer agee with alot of the thing JW do anymore. My life would have been so much better without this religion in my life, but my family and friends are mostly JWs. A few years have past and I have been inactive for over a year now. I love God and all his beautiful creations around us. I need some kind of beleif system or faith in something. I don't want to be controlled and told what to do anymore. Please help me I feel I am starting over at 40.

  • JamesThomas

    Warm welcome to you, Lynn. Glad you joined us; and thank you for your candid introduction.

    I need some kind of beleif system or faith in something.

    I do not have any new beliefs to offer you. Perhaps when and if you tire of beliefs, you and I can discuss that. In the mean time, others here will likely have some beliefs that they feel will give comfort.


  • Junction-Guy

    Welcome to the board, it looks like you have been through quite a bit in your life, stay strong for your kids, they will need you.

  • tijkmo
    My problem is I think I have lost faith in everything

    yeah i know the feeling

    stick around and things will improve although never completely in my experience

    tijkmo of the 'blue pain fades till it doesn't fade' class

    so welcome

  • purplesofa

    Welcome to the board.............


    you have been through alot.......you must have incredible strength and love.

    Glad you are here........hope to hear more from you.


  • AlmostAtheist

    Welcome to JWD!

    >>I love God and all his beautiful creations around us. I need some kind of beleif system or faith in something. I don't want to be controlled and told what to do anymore.

    It sounds like you have a belief system now -- your own. You believe in God and have faith in him. Do you need to have that faith in conjunction with an organization of some sort?

    There are other churches you could attend, is that of interest to you? Do you think you could manage to do that without getting "caught"? (I'm assuming you don't want to be DF'd)


  • AK - Jeff
    AK - Jeff

    Welcome Lynntink.

    What an experience - seems as though you experienced every sort of Jw dysfunction in one fashion or another. Not to say that dysfunction is the sole property of that cult - but it is certainly clear you have had a lot to deal with.

    This forum is a great place to heal and reassess life and direction for those who have walked in the same shoes. I would never seek to influence you to accept any particular belief system - I am Christian [the unchurched variety] now. Others have lost faith in God - or chosen a different pathway. The healing is a process - not a moment in time. I was a jw for 43 years, from the age of 5 I knew nothing else. I was 48 when I left and I thank God daily for that.

    I look forward to seeing you here and learning more about you as time goes on. A hearty welcome!!!


  • Woodsman

    I'm 41 and starting over. I would encourage you to just have faith in yourself for now and to trust yourself. You have amazing strength if after all that your mind has led you to start thinking for yourself I think you will do fine. Your boys could have nothing better than to have a mom who teaches them to think for themselves.

    I'm not going to try and figure out God again. I gave him my best try and it was wrong. When he is ready he can reveal himself. For now I am content living a good life and being a kind person. I know there is something out there but don't feel I need to know what exactly.

  • restrangled

    Dear Lynn,

    Thankyou for your very honest first post. That had to take courage.......in the same vein its going to take courage to continue on from where you are coming from. Keep reading and keep posting. You have many sympathetic, listening ears here who have been through similar circumstances or close to it.

    No one can tell you how to believe or how to feel, but we can support you in your escape from what you have been through.

    Best regards,


  • GoingGoingGone

    Welcome to the forum, Lynn!

    I'm starting over, too, and it's hard. I'm now learning to just have an open mind, and to listen to all kinds of viewpoints, even ones I'd never have considered while I was a JW. I've realized that I don't have to decide anything, or 'be' anything, at least not right now. Just be.


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