Judical Committee/ Plea for Reinstatement help

by livingalie 29 Replies latest jw experiences

  • livingalie

    Hello to all It has been awhile since my last post but I have been lurking .I just wanted to be careful since I have been trying to be reinstated. To give you a little background in short after I left Bethel (1993-1999) in 1999 I got married to a local Sister from New York City ( Brooklyn).I worked at Different jobs But the last job I had was with the city of NY after 9/11 I lost the job .I told my wife about a Job down south ,I told her that I would go down try the job out and if it looks like a good fit and it would work out she should move down in a few months .The job was going great things were looking up I told her to moved down but she hated the Town said it was to small nothing to do but the great thing about it was that her job was in the town also all she would have to do was just transfer no job hunting at all . My wife would not move this went on for the next 2 years she said she was coming down then she said she need to finish up something at work . Then it was I need to get my yearly bonus then my sister ( her Sister) is having a bady and I need to be in Ny for that just a lot of reason to not come down .Well needless to say I got involed in some exrta marital affairs with women in the area .I make no exuse for this but I was lonely and my wife was give me PURE hell really even before the move the marraige was going to pot .I led a double life for about a year all the while i'm a MS giving talks in the new hall which did not sit well with me . Well my wife starts to sense things are not right on a visit she finds out about my affairs with other women .I tell her the truth about it and she flips out on me throwing things and the like .We talked about that we would go to the Elders after she moves down so that if I get DF'ed that at least I would have some type of support she agreed.She goes back to Ny to get her things but then she said she needs to help her sister with the new twins .On another visit down she flips out on me and runs to a Elders in the Hall that she has meet maybe 3 time on breif visits and tells him everything that I have been doing Long story short They meet with me I get DF'ed she goes back to NYC and she has not been down since .I file for Divorce she is angry how dare you file after all you have done .The divorce is still pending and I do not want this marraige anymore as it has been a year when the last time I have seen her . I meet with the Brothers last night after I have turn in my letter back in Oct. I was DF'ed in Jan 2006 so it is right at a year . The brothers in the meeting say that they have seen me at all the meetings But what have I done in this time to make my marriage right with my wife .I said I have tryed in the past but to know avail ,They say that does not count as that doing that time I was a sinner due to my affairs .They say what have you done durning the Disipline period I said that the talks have been hard and strained with her and that it looks like divorce is were things are headed .They say to me that I have not show them any proofs of works the befit repentence since I have not made one trip to Ny or sent flowers to her or wrote her a love letter . They say that instead of wrinting them to be reinsted I should write my wife a love letter .The brothers were coming at me very hard and I was very shocked but I took it and I kept my cool though it was hard . I know many may be thinking why go threw this but I have family that I want to have a relationship with and I have to get back due to that fact that my whole family is in the "Truth".I would like to get your thoughts on what I should do ? When should I write another Letter or should I contact the CO his visit will be Jan 15 -22 2007 ?Should I ask the brothers that if I do not go back to my wife I can not be Reinstated ? Should I wait untill the Divorce is complete then write them back? The divorce is taking awhile due to it being in NYC the courts are so backed up .I do not know how much longer I can hold out it has been almost a year I'm starting to lose my grip on things work has became effected I have no drive for life .Do you know how hard it is to walk in that hall it is tough .I have given alot to the Org. I just fell that some of that should be taking into account .On a crazy note one of the brothers on my Judical case I worked with at Bethel six degree of separation huh . So Sorry for the long post just needed to vent and get your point of veiw .

  • Emma

    I doubt that all you've done in the past will carry any weight; jw's don't work that way. I don't see much hope of getting them to see things your way, the way they really are. Perhaps some with more recent experience will have different information. Their "rules" are not fair or just but if you want to be "in" you have to play by them.

  • nelly136

    you got family in? just wondering why you want to get reinstated

  • OnTheWayOut

    From the point of view you have given me, I would say it is hopeless, UNLESS you work to restore the marriage. You cannot be the one to have the decision to divorce, according to their rules. If you remedy that, you have a chance. I doubt it's worth it, if you are sure that the marriage is over. Here's the loophole. Work toward reconciliation. Press the issue. Be overwhelming. Get her to reject you- on paper. This loophole will take time, perhaps another year.

    Questions to consider. Did she forgive you after the discovery? Did you both have relations after the discovery? If she never had relations with you, or never really forgave you, then you can say she rejected you. That means you can repent without getting back together.

    If she did forgive you, but had no relations with you, they she truly DID NOT forgive you. Same as above.

    If she now refuses to get back together, regardless of above answers, you did all you could. You can eventually get reinstated.

    The only real problems are (1) Time to reinstate will be considerable. (2) She might forgive and take you back.

    I am fading from my congregation, but I doubt I would try to be reinstated if I got DF'ed. I would just walk away.

  • Narkissos

    Hi livingalie,

    I feel for you.

    As far as reinstatement strategies are concerned, I think you've got no chance before several months after your divorce.

    But I really hope that much sooner, one of these days, you'll wake up strangely lighthearted, with the realisation that whatever you might obtain through reinstatement is not worth the damn cost, and just walk out of this mess with a grin on your face. Not even a sarcastic one.

    Take care.

  • AlmostAtheist

    Hey Living,

    Wow, Dude. You've got it ALL goin' on right now, don't you? I know you look back on some decisions with regret, but they are done and they are what they are. You're looking forward and trying to see how to get to a better place. That's reasonable.

    I've never been an elder, so I can't reasonably speak to what it's going to take to get you reinstated. But to get the conversation started, how about this:

    Stop going to meetings. They are hurting you like crazy, and the elders aren't giving you any credit for it anyway. Right now, they are expecting you to try to reconcile with your wife, but you're not doing that. No matter what else you do, if you aren't doing that then you're not getting back in. Get your divorce finalized, THEN start the process of coming back. Tell the elders you were "ashamed" and didn't feel worthy to be in Jehovah's House. But that you've come to your senses and realized that no matter how hard it is, you NEED to get your life in line with Jehovah's will again. (yick!)

    With your divorce final, the elders shouldn't be pressuring you to get back with your wife. Instead they'll focus on the other "works befitting repentance", like meeting attendance, "sincere regret" over the adultery and divorce, and a "genuine desire" to be within Jehovah's organization again. If you can fake all that, then you'll get on their good side again.

    I don't have any facts to back this up, but my gut feel is that your path back isn't going to be a short one. From the time you start attending meetings again and get your first meeting with the elders to the time you're reinstated will probably be a year or two. About the only tool you have available to reduce that is your appearance of true regret and heart-brokenness.

    Lying isn't any fun, but trying to get reinstated when you don't believe in it anymore is a lie to begin with. And in the end, you're only lying to a book club with delusions of being a religion. In the grand scheme of things, there are worse things a person could do.


  • james_woods

    Dude - I was put off by the length & inscrutablity of your second post, but I went back and read your first one. I am going to respond as if you are just going through some deep trouble, and are indeed one of us for sure.

    My advice is this:

    a) - take a deep breath. slow down. (maybe even use paragraphs and edit down your posts).

    b) - I could not tell if the wife person is still an active JW, or if she is fading, or out like you. You need to get clear on that issue.

    c) - As the old WW2 pilot who taught me how to fly said - "you need to fly your airplane. don't let your airplane fly you." It is tuff talk, but it has always been good advice (since 1967 in fact!),

    d) - quit living the lie. (maybe when you get there you can start a thread on why you changed your site handle)

    Good Luck (we can say that here on JWD)...


  • livingalie

    Sorry for the no Pargs. I want to get back in so that I can talk to my family Mom ,Dad ,Brother and the like . They have been real nice but at a distance they did not let me come home while all were in town said it would not be proper .I feel that Ijust want to get back and just lay low fade in other words .I just need something postive to happen if that make any sense at all .I did not sleep much last night so I maybe just rambling sorry .

  • OnTheWayOut

    If attempted reconciliation if not the route you choose, the only other one is to get way out there in sin.

    Continue to reject your exwife, do more stuff that JW's disapprove of.

    Then years (maybe 2, maybe less) later, totally repent.

  • james_woods

    It is all OK.

    You are the only one who can grab the controls and turn this around.

    Maybe you should just walk away in silence (like Gary Cooper did in those old cowboy movies) and see who cares enough about you to follow.

    Again, Good Luck -


Share this