Judical Committee/ Plea for Reinstatement help

by livingalie 29 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Smiles_Smiles

  I agree with Emma and I have only been out for 3 years. The sad thing about it is not all congregations handle things the same. Some elders would say get back with your wife and some wouldn't hold that against you in your reinstatement. I am sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately if you choose to play their game (for understandable reasons) it seems like you have 2 choose:

  1. Do the BS that they suggest regarding your wife. Which is dishonest because that is not what you feel. But maybe you can salvage some of those letters by mentioning in them that the elders are 'strongly suggesting that yall consider a reconciliation'. Maybe she will get the hint that it is not something you really want. And hey maybe you will be able to get full closer with that relationship during that time anyway ~ which can help you fully move on emotionally. At least you will be able to tell the elders that yall are communicating and trying to work it out.

  2. Or wait until after the divorce is final and write another letter. Who knows how long that will take. But you can at least say to the elders that while yall were communicating that the divorce became final. But that if yall continue to be able to work it out you will remarry her. And they will want you to understand the remarry restrictions.

  Good luck. Of course as someone who has freedom from the bOrg ... I would definitely suggest you make sure that all of this re-ga-ma-roar is worth the it. But if it is to you ... I wish you success.

  Smiles
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  livingalie

  Just to give more info my wife is a JW she is still in NYC in good standing .
• 

  jgnat

  I think your big defect is expecting everyone around you to behave justly. They don't have to, you know.

  1. Your wife refuses to join you despite your best efforts. Are you sure SHE isn't having an affair, also?
  2. What motive do the elders have to reinstate you quickly? None.

  You hate living in limbo. What are you going to do about it? Here's some ideas.

  • Play the elder's game, write the love letters, carbon copied to the elders, send Federal Express flowers every month, copying the receipts to the elders. Put the divorce on hold. Call your wife's blufff and exercise your husbandly authority and humbly REQUIRE your wife to join you, carbon copied to the elders at your hall and her hall. Check back every six months for reinstatement/consideration. If you get no action, complain to the CO, both districts. This process could take 4-6 years, based on my personal observation.
  • Spend the next couple years in sin until the divorce is final. Have as much fun as you like. After all, the "punishment" is the same. After the divorce, go through a six month reinstatement, preferably in a new hall.
  • Wash your hands of your wife AND the elders and find new friends who don't screw you over. Let your relatives choose if they will associate with you or not.
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  Wasanelder Once

  I've tried to post on this thread five times and it wont take it. I'm gonna try once more with just this sentence.

  Hang in there.

  W.Once

  Instead of pasting it in, I'm going to type it myself, maybe that will work.

  W74 11/1 p 672 Questions from Readers

  Elders in a congregation, faced with such a case, should weigh matters judiciously, determining that there is indeed clear and convincing evidence of a definite rejection by the non-adulterous mate. For example, the offended mate might not wish to renew sexual relations for a few weeks or even months due to the memory of the adultery still being fresh in mind. This would not constitute genuine rejection. It should be noted also that the preceding infromation does not say that the failure to pay the marriage due of itself is a ground for divorce. There must have been 'fornication" *(the Scriptural grounds for divorce) committed by one who is thereafter deprived of the marriage due and who is, in fact, rejected by the non-adulterous mate.

  From the manual for elders of JW's Pay attention to Yourselves and all the Flock. Unit 5 (c) Part 3 of 3

  Forgiveness of adultery involves a willingness on the part of the innocent mate to resume seual realations with the adulterous mate within a resonable perioud of time (W74 above)

  A person guilty of adultery could obtain a legal divorce and be viewed by the congregation as gree to remarry if the innocent mate refuses to resume sexual relations for a very prolonged period and yet has not sought a legal divorce.

  By witholding the marriage due, the non-adulterous mate would be indicating that no forgiveness has been extended.

  The elders would consider evidence from the adulterous mate to determine that there is a definte rejection by the non-adulterous mate.

  My comments:

  So, do as advised by people here, play the game. Give her something to reject. Write, call, etc. Tell her you want to start that family you planned on, when she tells you to go to hell, then you have her.

  W.Once
• 

  AlmostAtheist

  No one sums things up quite as nicely as JGnat! Choose option 'C', if possible!

  BTW, the "new hall" thing in option B might not fly, as he would still be required to deal with the judicial committee from the old hall that DF'd him. Unless he moves so far away that this would be impossible, which probably isn't practical.

  Dave
• 

  unbeliever

  livingalie,

  How cooperative is your wife being with the divorce? I am familiar with NY family law and it can be hell to get a divorce there w/o her cooperation. A friend of mine set up residency in NJ (no fault state) just so he could get divorced. You could be waiting a long time if your wife still wants to reconcile. Something tells me that is not the case though. Since this whole thing is taking it's toll emotionally jgnat gave you some very good advice. Call your wifes bluff. If she hates where you live she won't come back. She will then say because of your affairs that its your responsibility to come back to NYC. Under normal circumstances I would agree but yours are not normal. You don't want to reconcile or go back to the dubs long term, You tell her that you have to support the family and you have a perfectly good job where you are at. I feel for you.
• 

  tall penguin

  I can empathize with you. I was in a similar situation a few years back. I applied for reinstatement 6 months after being df'd. My divorce was not final. They wouldn't even consider it. They berated me instead.
  
  It took almost a year AFTER the divorce before they'd accept my plea for reinstatement. It wasn't worth it. If I'd known then what I know now about the org I would've been better off washing my hands of the lot of them and moving on with my life.
  
  Do your research about the org. Read the posts here. Realize that it's a lie and that these people who claim to be family are not worth your time if their loyalties lie with the org, which is most likely the case. And if not, then you'll have them either way. Save yourself the heartache. I wish I had.
  
  tall penguin
• 

  VanillaMocha73

  "do you know how hard it is to walk in that hall it is tough"
  

  Yes, I know how hard it is. I did it for a year. Applied for reinstatement and they told me that since my ex-husband was in good standing in the same area. Well, I ended up attending another church in the interim (went to both on Sundays for awhile) and found such a different atmosphere. Those who would display love versus those who use shame....

  Ya oughta try it..
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  Abandoned

  Hey buddy, it sounds like you've been going through a lot of emotional crap. I don't know where you are with all the jehovah witness business, but I hope you realize that they don't have authority to speak for god. They don't have any right to make you feel good or bad. They are just a group who likes being in control. Take control of your own life. My advice is to take some time to figure out what you want to do with your life. What do you like to do? What would you do even if you weren't paid for it? Develop your skill in that area and I'm positive you'll find you can support yourself with it.

  Looking for a wife among the jw is like looking for a dependable car at a junk yard. Sure, there are plenty of cars to choose from, but what kind of problems are you setting yourself up for? Those raised in the truth have been brought up with constant reminders of how imperfect they are, how bloodthirsty god is, and how evil everyone else in the world is. The emotional issues this causes are daunting. You are also asking to be compared to the perfect man that the watchtower draws. There is no way you can measure up to the fictional husband they describe so you're setting yourself up for failure.

  So, find out what you want to do. Get counseling if you need it to break free from the watchtower's hold over you, and look for a wife outside the walls of the kingdom hall.
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  tijkmo

  the problem with the elders is they dont even know that even the wts recognize that an innocent mate can continue to behave in an unforgiving manner and that there is nothing that the guilty party can do about it..

  my situation was similar

  i committed adultery and sincerely regretted it...(long story..blame is irrelevent)

  i wanted to fix my marraige if that was what my wife wanted..i believed it could be fixed and was prepared to do what was nessecary no matter how hard or demeaning it was..but i coudnt do it by myself

  i needed the help of family and friends and caring elders and a loving congregation..and a continued relationship with god who i still believed in at the time.

  i was df and so had every support mechanism wrenched from me

  my wife adopted the attitude that since i had been df then i couldnt possibly be sorry so she refused to give any thought to a reconciliation until i was reinstated...which i was 18 months later..phsycally, mentally,spiritually,and emotionally exhausted.

  i made admittedly a half hearted attempt at getting back together once reinstated...but my friends wanted no more to do with me, my family were estranged due to their having to go along with the df decision - for fear of their positions - and even the elders that reinstated me didnt speak to me again.

  an elder in another hall said to me once...because i wasnt back with my wife - if jesus were here right now what would he want you to do..it was then that i realised that according to jw belief jesus was right there at every judicial meeting and even if i couldnt get the stupid untrained unqualified elders to understand what i was going through and how i felt and what i was prepared to do - then jesus could....and he did nothing.

  idiots