My friend's ex-husband was killed instantly in a car accident on Sunday. Besides having a huge crush on him that lasted two years of high school and visiting them for a few years as a married couple, I really didn't have much contact with him after their divorce. My daughter actually probably knew him better in recent years than I did, as she would accompany their daughter Tori to his house on his weekends for four-wheeling, fishing, etc.
I have never been to a viewing before. Last night, I went to the funeral home and stood in line for an hour to get to the room where the casket was. The whole time I was in line, I cried. Not sobbing or anything, but a steady leak of tears and runny nose that was conspicuous. My friend who had been married to him said, "Are you OK?" as I passed by her in a reception room. I said, "Yes." She said, "You don't look OK," and a fresh stream of tears started. She hugged me and said, "Oh, I know you loved him too. Remember in high school when you [did that embarrassing thing that showed how much of a crush you had on him?]" And the thing was, I wasn't crying because I loved him. I was crying because he left behind a sweet 14-year old daughter who will never go four-wheeling with him again, who won't attend her graduation or wedding or see her children, whose life was cut short tragically and senselessly, whose father was weeping audibly and saying, "Why?" over and over. I cried because his birthday was 3 weeks ago, and they had a smiling picture of him and Tori with his cake that said, "Happy 37th Birthday, Dad." I cried because Tori was acting so grown up, thanking people for coming and hugging them and bringing cards and flowers to the casket. I cried because my daughter, who usually shows no emotions at all, burst into tears when we came into the room with the open casket. I have never seen someone who has passed on before. He was just so....still. I can't shake the image.
My daughter wouldn't eat last night and was subdued. She didn't go to school today because she told me she was too sad. I told her I didn't want to go to the funeral today, because if it was anything like last night, I would lose it. She, however, seemed to need to do this, so I sucked it up and went. With sunglasses.
As soon as the preacher started quoting scripture, the tears began, and didn't stop. I felt like a goober.
Again, I wasn't prostrate with grief or loud or drawing too much attention to myself except for the relentlessly wet eyes and cheeks and constant sniffling, but does it seem inappropriate for someone who doesn't know the deceased all that well to cry so much at a funeral? I felt so self-conscious and even ashamed, and tried to think of other things to take my mind off of it, but nothing worked for long. I certainly wasn't the only person who had tears, but most of the other people who were crying were related to him in some way. I am nobody of importance to the family.
I've used five kleenexes to write this. It's baffling to me to be so affected.
LAWSON, JR., JIMMIE BENSON, 37, of Sorrento, died on Sunday, November 26, 2006. He was born in Apopka and was a lifelong resident of Sorrento. He was a painter for an electric company. He is survived by his parents, Betty and Jimmie Benson Lawson, Sr. of Sorrento; his daughters, Tori of Mount Dora and Britney of New Smyrna Beach; brother, Danny (Lisa) of Tavares; his loving girlfriend, Brenda Lamardo and her three children, Amber, Alyssa and Lexi. Graveside Services will be held from Greenwood Cemetery of Eustis on Thursday at 11AM with Dr. Alan Holden officiating. Friends may call at the funeral home on Wednesday from 6-8PM. Hamlin & Hilbish
Funeral Directors, 326 East Orange Avenue, Eustis, FL, is in charge of arrangements. 352-357-4193.
Published in the Orlando Sentinel on 11/29/2006.