I'm dating a JW, and need some advice!

by changtech 23 Replies latest jw experiences

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  changtech

  Hello everyone! I'm new here, and have read a lot of topics here. This site has been very helpful to me in the short time I have been here.

  What has drawn me here is the fact that I have been dating an active JW guy for about 9 months now (I was raised Catholic, but am currently searching for a faith that I feel is right..I have yet to find it). We are very much in love, but our differences in beliefs have caused a lot of problems. When we first started dating, he quickly introduced me to his friends mother who started a bible study with me. Before I started going to her, he told me not to mention to anyone that he and I were dating. I found this kind of strange since I have never had this issue in a relationship before. Looking back, I realized one of the reasons he set me up with a study so quick was so that when his friends asked who I was, he could quickly say, "I'm studying" (aka: I'm okay to hangout with).

  As time went on, I noticed a lot of quirky things happening. Such as, my bible study 'teacher' becomming upset that my boyfriend and I arrived in the same car to her home (Note: she still did not know we were dating), when her son was hosting a 'Witness' party. She became upset, and she ended up driving me home, and not allowing my boyfriend to do so. On the ride home she said, "So you know why I'm driving you home right?" I wanted to say, "No, actually I don't, as I am a very open minded adult who can maturely have my BOYFRIEND drive me home"...but instead I just said "Yes." My boyfriend was upset, as I have noticed he is much more open minded than many of the older JW's. This incident was one of many of the quirky/old-fashioned events I have noticed.

  My boyfriend has basically told me (in a nice way, however), that the only way we can remain together in the future, is if I eventually convert to his faith. This tears me apart, as we are very much in love, and I don't seem to be the top priority in his life, as he is in mine. I realize it has been drilled into his head that Jehovah is the priority in his life.

  I have decided to write him a final letter, explaining my issues with his faith. He can keep me, or leave me, but I can't keep feeling like I'm in limbo about our relationship. It's going to tear me apart if we break up, but I guess it will be better in the end. And sadly, I know in my heart, he will never leave the religion.

  What I am looking for on this board is everyones knowledge! I need a little help with certain topics I have chosen to write to him about. I am interested in finding scholarly evidence (or lack thereof) on the 1914 date of Christ's 'invisible' return, the 144,000, their false prophecies (and how the Bible says to ignore religions who promote they have the truth, but then give false prophecies), the 607 BC date, and how the writers of the NWT only barel knew basic hebrew. I am doing research of my own as well, but any information would be very very very greatly appreciated!

  Thank you so much!
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  Terry

  Let us be honest. A person who belongs to a group which tells them they are useless and worthy of death if they don't sell magazines door to door is not a person whose judgement is functioning.

  Further, if a person's judgement about such basic matters as their own personal value as an individual is in question and dysfunctional, then; how can you expect them to treat you with respect? After all, you are even lower on the totem pole of worthlessness as a non-JW.

  To have any life at all an active JW has to split themselves into two phoney parts. Part ONE pretends to be one of the sheep at the Kingdom Hall saying all the right things. Part TWO has a secret life they try to keep hidden from the group. A person split in half (contradictory halves) is a person who lies to themselves. If you must lie to yourself to have a life you are neurotic.

  Would you date a guy who is married? Of course not. Why not? Because you are dealing with a cheater who is conflicted, torn and lying all the time.

  Dating a JW is no different because he is wedded to a cult that keeps close tabs not only on his behavior, but; his thoughts!

  Dating you is considered by his "brothers and sisters" as a sign of spiritual weakness and perhaps sickness.

  So, you are an illness he is afflicted with unless you become just like him.

  This isn't a black and white world we live in because people are free to make choices and learn from them. However, the Jehovah's Witnesses live in a black and white world mentally. Everything is already decided for them. Their only requirement is to comply absolutely without question to obeying like a slave every command from Brooklyn New York.

  This JW you are dating is trying to eat his cake while still having it. He wants fire and water in the same cup! He is so confused he doesn't see how much stress this is going to cause you. Think about this: if he was thinking about YOUR welfare he'd be protecting your interests. Instead, he is covering his ass and dragging you along toward a train wreck of a confrontation.

  People who care about other people see the best in them. JW's are the opposite. They see the worst in others.

  If you aren't one of them you are going to be slaughtered by God's angel soon. That's their view! You are a walking corpse to them. These are sick and fanatically smiling zombies who cannot think for themselves and he is coaxing you into their nest. Your individuality will be their dinner.

  Get out while you still have your sanity. You deserve better than a mental neurotic for a boyfriend.

  No, honestly, you DO deserve better.
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  Golf

  In short, just keep thinking of a flashing sign that reads "E X I T"
  
  
  Golf
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  Clam

  Welcome Changtech

  That's very strong medicine Terry, but it's spot on.

  He can keep me, or leave me, but I can't keep feeling like I'm in limbo about our relationship. It's going to tear me apart if we break up, but I guess it will be better in the end. And sadly, I know in my heart, he will never leave the religion.

  It's commendable that you are so in love but also have clarity of thought. If you think you can pull him out of the cult by reasoning with him on the Watchtower's modus operandi then this is the place to be. You'll find lots of good material in the "best of" section. Also try visiting jwfacts.com

  If you need more specific answers then keep posting. A lot here will greet you and give you support and advice on your first post, but if you have questions you need answering, then be patient and don't give up until you've got what you want.

  Good luck -

  Chris
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  changtech

  Haha, yes I realize what I am up against! And I appreciate everyones replys!

  I know my boyfriend and I have no future, and I just need to get out.

  I guess I just want one final attempt at trying to shed some light on him, because he really is a good person, he has just been filled with so many lies, and it's hard for me to see this, because I really do love him.
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  parakeet

  changtech: "I don't seem to be the top priority in his life, as he is in mine."
  
  
  All your instincts are correct, changtech, and your decision to end such an unbalanced relationship is without question a good one. As far as what to tell him in your letter, I would include most of what you wrote in your initial post. His behavior (lying to his family, manipulating you into a Bible study so he can date you "honestly," and other deceptions) is not only a good indication of the nature of his religious beliefs; it's also a good indication of his character. Good luck to you.
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  drew sagan

  Below is a post I made for another person in you same situation.

  I think I have posted this before for you, but if not i'll post it again.
  
  The Watchtower religion controls peoples mind with guilt and fear. This man that you know is no exception to the rule. He is being controlled, he is in fear and the reason he says 'you don't understand' is because you really don't understand. I'm not saying that to be rude, I really think you want to do the right thing. But in order to understand what he is going through you would have to be JW or part of a group that controls you. Since you have never been in a situation like his, with the fear he has you will never totally understand it.
  
  I have this one suggestion for you. Since you are not familiar with the JW world I don't think you will ever be able to successfully challenge it. So I offer you this one bit of advice. Go down in flames.
  
  At this point it looks like he is going to let his fears continue to control him, and he will eventually break this relationship. If it is going to end, I would suggest you give him one final challenge. Try to get him to read the book Crisis of Conscience. Get a copy of the book, hand it to him and say...'explain to me why what this guys says is wrong'. It is risky, but since you have nothing left to loose at this point why not. The reason I say just give him the book is because you will never be able to explain to him why JWs are wrong. If he just gets into the book himself it may just happen. Even if he decides not to read the book, he will remember that it exisits. It will be planted in his mind.
  
  Other than that, I would say that you should prepare for this relationship to be over. Unless he ever leaves the JWs %100, there will allways be problems.
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  zeroday

  Changetech:

  There have been a number of people in the same situation you are in that have come to this site for advice. Many believe their love for their JW friend is to much to overcome and will try to continue their relationship. You have no idea the depts of hell you are decending into. If it hurts to much to end this relationship now the pain and suffering you will experience pales to what is to come. Breaking a love is hard but at this point in your life it is the easiest thing you can do.
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  Honesty

  I have decided to write him a final letter, explaining my issues with his faith. He can keep me, or leave me, but I can't keep feeling like I'm in limbo about our relationship. It's going to tear me apart if we break up, but I guess it will be better in the end. And sadly, I know in my heart, he will never leave the religion. changtech

  Welcome to dabored, changtech.

  I doubt very seriously that you can break through the mental frost that the Watchtower Society has him gripped in unless he has some doubts about them.

  I lost my family to the JW cult when i started doubting and then openly questioning Watchtower teachings. My former spouse's mind is so frozen by the Watchtower Society that she chose it over me. That is exactly what your boyfriend is doing when he tells you not to divulge your relationship to JW's.

  I know others like you and like me. It never worked out because JW's are so militant when it comes to the Watchtower Society. They always will choose it over you. They really don't have a hunger for God, either. their hunger is for the Watchtower Society. They eagerly look forward to what they call "NEW LIGHT" and also can't wait to get the latest magazine so their ears get some more feathers swished around them.

  My advice is that you RUN RUN RUN and DON"T LOOK BACK
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  jgnat

  When we first started dating, he quickly introduced me to his friends mother who started a bible study with me. Before I started going to her, he told me not to mention to anyone that he and I were dating.

  Very deceptive, in my opinion. In your "Dear John" letter, be sure to warn him not to do this to any girl in the future.

  I can help you with links and research, but better by far is to speak confidently from your heart. He can't go back on THAT and say you got all your "evil" information off the internet. You will look him in the eye and tell him then, that he must consider YOU to be evil. How can he claim to be in love with an evil woman?

  Now, you are rather in limbo yourself religion/bible-wise, so why would you challenge him on doctrinal interpretation? How about researching their treatment of women for instance, or another issue close to your heart? Your loved-one's lying and sneaking makes MY skin crawl.

  I am interested in finding scholarly evidence (or lack thereof) on the 1914 date of Christ's 'invisible' return

  With the Witnesses, it's not so much what they say, as what they DON'T tell you. I just finished hearing another Watchtower speaker claim all sorts of "evidence" of a dramatic downturn in world society since 1914. He listed all sorts of examples. For instance, the Influenza epidemic that year. He called it the most devastating plague the world had ever experienced. He FAILED to mention that the Bubonic Plague nearly wiped mankind off the planet!

  He also spoke of the millions dead in famines and civil conflicts. What he FAILED to mention is that we now see millions dead because of the huge population growth we've experienced since 1914. The world is now populated by BILLIONS. By proportion, people are living longer and healthier lives today.

  the 144,000

  Take your book of revelation. Ask your boyfriend to highlight all the LITERAL symbols in pink, the FIGURATIVE in yellow. You will find only one LITERAL interpretation by the Witnesses - the 144,000. A more LITERAL interpretation of that number would include only Hebrew males, from the twelve tribes of Isreal. Another anomaly is the LOCATION of the anointed and the great crowd arrayed around the throne and outer courtyard, worshipping the enthroned Christ. Ask your boyfriend where the throne is...in heaven or on earth? If so, how can the great crowd and anointed be in the same place? (Revelation 4:2, 5:11, 7:9,10)

  their false prophecies (and how the Bible says to ignore religions who promote they have the truth, but then give false prophecies),

  http://www.freeminds.org/history/part2.htm

  the 607 BC date,

  http://corior.blogspot.com/2006/02/change-of-606-to-607-bc-as-start-of.html

  and how the writers of the NWT only barely knew basic hebrew.

  http://www.freeminds.org/doctrine/nwt.htm