Mary - I am sorry you have this to cope with. At least you're not in the kind of denial they are in. Hugs to you. And I am terribly sorry to hear your friend is in so much suffering amidst an atmosphere of complete denial. Denial is normal for a time, but when it never ends, people don't heal and can't really grieve and can't even be free to really comfort each other or themselves.
If she is still alive and in the hospital, maybe she would appreciate you remembering some of her favorite songs (other than Kingdom Melodies) and bring her a little of that to listen to (with the right media player).
Near the end of a friend's death with cancer a few years back, her daughter and husband brought a tape player and played her favorite music quietly beside her bed.
When she passed, she was surrounded by 13 of us who took turns holding, massaging, and stroking her while talking to her, even though she could not respond due to the morphine; and we took turns gently massaging her cold feet for many hours.
During the throes of death, her husband, despite his own terror, told her over and over,"Everything is going to be alright," just to comfort her in the fear and helplessness. I will always remember to offer that kind of comfort for anyone facing any such thing for as long as I live. It was not denial, but comforting words to and from someone in terror of great loss.
I have never witnessed anything like that among the JWs during such events, other than people coming and going and preaching to each other and to the sick person about Jehovah's this and Jehovah's that. It's sickening to see. [Edited to say sorry for the rambling about my personal experiences here; they are somewhat, vaguely relevant and in brackets, if you want to skip it; I guess I'm in bi-polar graphomanic mode these past few days.]
I read a very good book on the subject of facing terminal illness years ago by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. She posited that there are stages to grieving, including denial and anger. Many JWs, if not most, force themselves, at least publically, to skip the anger stage, and stay stuck in denial forever due to their belief in the Big R - Resurrection - and due to the fear of approbation from other members if they "grieve too much" - a sign of lacking faith, as someone said.
As you know, they also believe their deceased loved ones are just going to sleep for a short time, and they'll see'em right around the bend after the Big A - Armageddon. So happily enough, funerals turn into big, almost celebratory, sometimes tearful, family reunions. And the Watchtower Society gets to preach endlessly about hope for everlasting life and how committed to field service the deceased one was. Ain't that dandy?
I think I may not even attend any more JW funerals or hospital scenes (even for my own parents), because the last couple JW services (and hospital scenes) I attended were too disturbing (and angering) for me.
Warning: Personal Ramble. I did not mean to do so, but I feel the need to qualify some of the above, which is probably not applicable to your friend, Mary: [I should couch the statement (about not showing up for any more family health crisis/funerals) by pointing out that there are a number of hypochondriacs and psycho-somatics (both jw and non) in my family, whose illnesses have created quite a bit of drama that I just don't need. It's such a great way for them (the hypochondriacs and psychosomatics) to divert attention if they're overwhelmed by cognitive dissonance (or their genuine illness is triggered by something that recalls childhood trauma, or some such thing).
I finally realize that it can be an effective defense mechanism - that is totally unconscious - to avoid addressing any repressed issues, personal failures, abuse, and family problems (denial).
And it even gets the disfellowshipped daughter (me) to the hospital (over and over) for a "necessary business" visit. The other perk (for them) can be that being sick gets commendations and kudos from elders and other JWs when the sick stoically face their terrible traumas - (and some of them have been truly horrible, I admit) - even if their own untreated emotional and/or psychiatric problems, reinforced by "waiting on Jehovah" instead of getting help - are what created or contributed primarily to the drama/trauma in the first place.
Danny Haszard's experiences with his illness come to mind, for me. If you've not read his story, please do.
Now, I do not believe that my analysis applies to your friend with cancer; I just feel the need to qualify my reasoning in not wanting to visit my jw family when they are hospitalized/sick, even dying. I am not being callous; just realistic cuz I've been through it a few times and some of my immediate family's defense mechanisms involve chronic physical illnesses that might very likely be avoided if they got psychiatric help and took better care of themselves and of each other . Thanks to the Watchtower Society and their personal denial, they just don't.
Understand that I am not unsympathetic to their illnesses, including the mental ones; they usually do suffer from troubles that mimic heart attacks and suffer from IBS (which sent my mom to the hospital in very serious pain); and, (in my deceased grandmother's case), from diabetes and heart disease, and such, over the years.
Some members of my JW family seem to unconsciously create such drama by neglecting themselves and each other, which is the case with my other, still-living grandmother, in my opinion.
The consequences of bad health and lots of attention from the Society - (for facing it with hope (denial), and faith (more denial) and stoicism (intense denial) - reinforce silly ideas about "waiting on Jehovah" and the promise of everlasting life]. End of semi-relevant personal ramblings.
One of my non-JW aunts and I have made a pact with each other in the event of our own deaths: There will be NO JW service for us. And if I survive my other JW relatives, I'll very likely conduct my own private services (if I feel the need) and probably not go to any more JW services ever. I will attend viewings, cremations, and burials AFTER the JWs finish their blathering about hope for everlasting life, cuz they rarely if ever conduct true memorials of their members' lives.
They just use funerals and sickness as an excuse to preach about this "bad ole world" and how Satan tries them so, and how they have so much hope for living after they die, which sounds kind'a nice, except for the part before you die - where you get to live for years on end, waiting on Jehobo. Sorry you are going through this, Mary. Many have and many will. I think it is very good of you to go to your friend, even though she did not go to you in your time of need. She is sick in more than one way, I suppose. Do what you need to do for yourself and for her. Everyone copes in different ways. Hugs to you and to her.