To: JWs who are dating non-JWs. What are you thinking?

by Lady Lee 16 Replies latest jw friends

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  jgnat

  Dysfunction attracts dysfunction.

  I really hope it's not that simple, Lady Lee. I've worked long and hard on my recovery. I will own up, however, that I am comfortable around dysfunctional people. I adapt. Because I always had to.
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  sass_my_frass

  I'm sure that a new one joins the board every week. I'd like to get every thread like that put on the 'dating/in love with a JW' best-of thread so we could just post it to them, because it's all been said many times. I try not to point out that Mr Frass and I are one of the couples that it worked out for because that would generate a lot of false hope - it worked for us specifically because I left. It failed for me with another guy because I wanted to hold on to my family and to try to recruit him. It took me a long time to get out, and Mr Frass came along towards the end of that time, so we were just lucky. Anybody reading this should note that nearly two-years after disfellowshipping I still bear the scars and have to talk about it. You really need to think about what you want from your life.
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  Alpheta

  I think it's all about hormones. Let's face it, as a JW woman, the choice of mate SUCKED BIG TIME. Everyone knows about the imbalance in membership numbers between men JWs and women JWs. So, if you didn't want to fornicate and live a "double life" (ha, what a joke!) and you didn't want to marry one of the few available schmucks in the Circuit - or move and try your luck elsewhere, competing against younger and hotter sisters, the logical choice is a non-JW male.

  Well, I got mine. Whooo whooo!
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  Lady Lee

  JG

  I really hope it's not that simple, Lady Lee. I've worked long and hard on my recovery. I will own up, however, that I am comfortable around dysfunctional people. I adapt. Because I always had to.

  It's hard to put your finger on a complex problem adn find "the one answer". There isn't ever just one answer to hiuman problems.

  But studies on abusive families have shown the intergenerational transmission of abuse and dysfunction. Untreated abuse survivors most often will become involved with a person who is also from a dysfunctional family. The know the rules of unheathy relationships. Being with someone who hasn't experienced is scary. We don't know what to expect and because things are going well it scares us. We don't believe the good times can be trusted to last. So we often sabotage things or run.

  The only way out of this dysfunction is to stop playing the game. Therapy and our recovery is the only way to stop the cycle.

  We learned to be comfortable around what we knew best. Recovery teaches you new ways to cope.

  So to bring this back to the topic: Why do JWs break the rules and find mates from the outside. Especially the males. They could have any one of the abundant female JWs looking for a husband.

  I believe there are some really good people who are JWs. The lock the WTS puts on their minds is unbeleiveable. Is it possible to be a JW and not be an abusive parent even though the WTS has such a stranglehold on their thoughts, feelings and behaviors?

  We had one family who had two sons. Their parents never hit them. I had a hard time believing that but they both said it was true. So while the parents never hit their kids they did take them to meetings. They had to sit through long boring talks. They had to go in service in territory where they would run into their schoolmates. They were taught all their school friends were going to die.

  Where do we draw the line? Everyone has baggage. But some of us are more comfortable with it. At least now we have the words to describe it and the ways to recovery.
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  Lady Lee

  sass

  I'd like to get every thread like that put on the 'dating/in love with a JW' best-of thread

  I'm still working on it. There are a few already and more coming.

  I still bear the scars and have to talk about it.

  The scars do heal but they never totally disappear. At least by dealing with it we become stronger

  Alpheta

  I think it's all about hormones. Let's face it, as a JW woman, the choice of mate SUCKED BIG TIME. Everyone knows about the imbalance in membership numbers between men JWs and women JWs.

  I have to agree. The picking was poor for the women.
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  gordon d

  Hey Lady Lee,
  
  Maybe they're attracted to easily-controlable-hyper-submissive-conformist-types ??????
  
  That's why Becky married me... THAT and the 4.2 Carat Marquise....
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  jgnat

  Make that outwardly-conformist-passive-aggressive....