What if she never leaves JWs? (The interminable waiting period...)

by AuldSoul 87 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  becca1

  Dear Auldsoul: You poor baby! I really feel for you. You sound like a wonderful husband, and a sensitive human being, your wife is fortunate to have you.

  I think your wife's problem is she cant' separate the you as a witness from the you now. She has to come to see you as just you. I really think you both could benefit from counseling. Yes, religion will be discussed, because it is at the heart of the matter, however a good therapist will not put down anyone's beliefs. That is not their job.They will attempt to get her to focuss on you and your marrige independantly of religion. There are many happy couples who don't share religious beliefs, even in the WT. You could be one of them, but it will take some work.

  Never forget thet your self esteem does not come from how your wife or anyone else views you. It comes from within. But you do have to protect yourself from emotional abuse. If your wife will not take the necesarry steps to imrpove the marriage, you have to consider seriously what living with someone who looks down on you will have on your emotional state. Do your part to make things better but set some limits or boundries that you will not cross.You can't do it all alone. If your wife won't do her part, you will need to reconsider what to do.
• 

  LittleToe

  Given a choice between marriage and breathing, I don't think asphyxiation it going to be the number one priority somehow, no matter how morbidy romantic it may sound. That having been said, it sounds like you have got yourself into a mental loop where you are convincing yourself it can't work. It sounds very similar to the track your mind took the other week. While they may be related, it also shows that you can get fixated on things, and not necessarily in a good way.

  Stop!

  Back away from the keyboard!

  ..and breathe...

  How many months has it been since you left the JWs? Six? I'm going to suggest that you shelve these thoughts until at least the year has past. See whether or not that point brings a sea-change in your wife's behaviour. Anniversaries have a habit of doing that, for the bettter or the worse. Meanwhile you haven't lost any time, as you've had an opportunity to learn about yourself, how your own mind works, and what your tolerances are.

  As so many others, I experienced the alienation that comes with leaving the WTS while my partner didn't. The experience pretty much tore my heart out. We survived a couple of years, but the marked change occured when the first year had passed. It's as if she tumbled to the fact that I wasn't going back to the WTS. Just as your wife, she would come out with comments along the lines of "I miss the man I married", which in retrospect I now see as tantamount to emotional blackmail. I tried everything, the soft approach, the tough approach, but ultimately she was too close to her family (whom she Pioneered with, and so saw every day). When our health declining through the stress of it all, I finally bailed out. After my health started to recover I began to realise exactly what kind of strain I had been under, and how close I may have come to irreversable mental damage through breakdown!

  In hindsight, I thnk if I would have done anything different it might have been around that one-year mark. I would have laid the law down, especially with regards to our health. But then I vascilate, and ask myself who I am kidding? I would have done it all exactly the same way again, because I loved her truly, madly, deeply. I tried everythig in my power to win her back, but it was too late - she had never ultimately been mine, and the concept of desiring to win her back made it evident that she simply wasn't with me. The WTS won that battle.

  I wouldn't wish divorce on my worst enemy, because the grief is unbearable, though it eventually eases - avoid that path if you can. The only consolation I personally retained is that I feel I did everything I could, and for that reason I have few regrets. I offer that to you for consideration...

  ...breathe, my friend, breathe...
• 

  Borgia

  A.S.

  I had a JW girlfriend once. We went seeing each other for about a year and a half. Back then I had just quitted pioneering and moved to another cong. Her dad told me that she was not materialistic at all.

  However, she never stopped pointing out which cars she liked, what kind of house she wanted, in what stores she wanted to buy clothes, you know. My carreer had not even started and she was really pushing me ahead. Always talking about how well her brother in law was doing. Gist: A very nice hot but expensive lady. When things did not go as fast as she had it figured out in her head, things went wrong. I think she tried to double dare me, but the response within me was I appreciated it as disdain. In the course of our courtship I came to realize how that would effect me. It would litterally kill me. So, I said goodbye and bailed out.

  Now I am married about 12 years to a lovely woman. Although my wife never expected me to be or become a hotshot, neither in JW world nor in this one, it is all about changing the settings. I did that to her world. Her neat little cosy world where everthing fell into place, no longer is like that. She has to do it on her own. Her own determination and faith is on the test. When she is at the meetings, she sits there alone, watching all the “happy” couples around, singing the chants together. But I encourage her to tell anything she is happy to vent in relation to the meetings, JW´s, the lot, because it is often about people I know.

  Should I feel sorry about that? To a degree I do. Because if I had not changed, it all would feel sooooo goood. What I came to know, became known to me after I got married. What can you do? Face up to the facts. That is the reality she and I live in.

  She sometimes vents that she want to know WHY I changed. But then again, she is too afraid to get to know it. To her it is all about how her life looks like. Not only to herself, but to the people she feels are important inside that little cosy world. I wish she come to me with something she investigated herself. But she does no such thing. So, I keep it easy, point out to my kids how other people think and why they think so. And in the course of a year.......although she would not admit it, she has already come pretty far. Deep in her hart she knows that we do not think and feel so differently about many things after all. She does not place great importance on it.

  I spent 2 weeks away on a business trip. She was glad I was back again, you know, you then get the extra for missing out on the other days. After all we have already been through, she still loves me and that is a great feeling. How different her response was from that of my former girlfriend in the same circumstance.

  I came to realize that a marriage is not an end. It is a way to become happy and bring fullness to life. If that relationship does not contribute to that end, it is possible to both work hard in order to meet that end. Having the same religion is not a prerequisite. Determination to make it happen, yes. Sense of reality, for sure. Dreamworld......no...and then again yes. There is still a lot to dream about, to dream together about outside of the Borg and their new system of things. Humor... afirmative. But.....it has to come from both sides. If that is not present........well......I think you really know what it means.

  So, Auld Soul, I wish you strength and stomach to harnass this situation.

  Cheers

  Borgia
• 

  Marvin Shilmer

  Howdy, Auldsoul If this is about your needs, only you know the essentials, and whether your wife will or can meet the need. If this is about being comfortable in your own skin (from: “I only want to be free of the torment when in her presence”) then I must wholeheartedly disagree and assert that you have every control over it. Emotional torment only works if you let it. Also, I’m not so sure your wife it trying to torment you. Rather, it sounds as though you perceive torment; hence my questioning how comfortable you are in your own skin. When it comes to happiness we have to start with our own person. Either we are happy with ourselves or we are not. If we are not happy with ourselves then we have little choice but to make correction, if we want personal happiness. Afterward we are in a decent position to determine what we need from others, and how we view/accept their conduct, and how it influences us. Too often we humans choose to let others decide how we are going to act, or to feel. Comfort within one’s one skin greatly reduces this tendency, and often this opens a much larger window for finding refreshing companionship with whomever. Marvin Shilmer
• 

  AuldSoul

  LittleToe,

  October marked two years completely inactive. December 22 will mark a year since my DA was announced.

  (((MarvinShilmer))): Also, I’m not so sure your wife it trying to torment you.

  I am sure she isn't setting out to do that. I am comfortable with my recent choices with regard to JWs. I am not comfortable with a LOT of choices I once made with regard to JWs that I can't go back and remake. The years I've lost to that religion can never be gotten back, the time and energy I invested can never be reinvested elsewhere. I am ashamed of being duped by the WTS and I am angry with them for trying to dupe me, a naive kid whose parents loyally taught him from the womb onward.

  I am not comfortable with subjecting myself to my wife's reactions to my choices. That is torment. I understand wher the idea comes from that someone else can't control how I feel, but the old maxim "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me" is a load of dingo's kidneys. "Words have the power you give them." True enough, but speakers of words also have the power you give them.

  Am I to live my whole life shielding myself from the inevitable blow just 'round the next corner and call it love? Or can I trust enough to be vulnerable to one who says she loves me?

  I am sorting this out verbally here, to help arrange my thoughts.

  (((LittleToe))): The only consolation I personally retained is that I feel I did everything I could, and for that reason I have few regrets. I offer that to you for consideration...

  Thanks, mate. I am sure I will be able to say the same in the final analysis, whether she decides to stay with me or quit me. I am in no rush where she's concerned, except to get things straight in my own head. If I had not been able to get this out here, and start coming to terms with what might be going on, I might have blown up at her in an argument or something and done irreparable damage to our relationship.

  Doubting Bro, yes I would like for you to provide more details about the recommendation my parents have been keeping before her as an option. Is this the sort of thing that I could have a nice chat with the CO regarding? I had already instructed my father to have no secret conversations with my wife about our relationship, on the grounds of the headship principle, and he has directly ignored that more than once.

  I deeply appreciate the input you all have given me.

  Respectfully,
  AuldSoul
• 

  new boy

  Dear Auld Soul

  Your story sounded like mine!-----------I managed to keep it together for 27------My father 39 Years. But in the end ----- It just like everyone says "once the respect is gone the marriage is TOAST!-----------Pretty soon you will have fights over the most small and stupid things. The fights will really be about YOU DON'T RESPECT ME and because of that HOW CAN I RESPECT YOU.-------hopefully the sex is good but even that will not keep it together--------Lots of LUCK my friend---------your going into hell.

  Namaste

  Keith
• 

  sammielee24

  Is this the sort of thing that I could have a nice chat with the CO regarding? I had already instructed my father to have no secret conversations with my wife about our relationship, on the grounds of the headship principle, and he has directly ignored that more than once.

  My gut feeling is if the CO agrees to meet with you (and many would refuse any association), it won't change anything because the deed has been done. If your father has spoken or advised your wife in regards to your marriage or a possible separation, and against your wishes, then it could easily become a matter of 'misinterpretation'. I would still go ahead and try - but I wouldn't get my hopes up that it will solve anything. What a PO says - always trumps what a non Witness says - therefore, you as a non Witness may just be 'misunderstanding' the conversations they had. Sorry for your troubles - living with love and respect based on condition of position can be demoralizing ...stay strong.
• 

  carla

  Hey AuldSoul,

  I'm sorry for all your going through. I guess I can relate from the opposite end of the spectrum to your wife. When mine became a jw I know I threw out some Santa comments to him as well. Only mine were more like, 'what? you actually believe the 1914 thing!!!?' and things along those lines. It's a hard pill to swallow to realize the love of our life could actually think we deserve death. Doesn't do much for intimacy does it? The loss of trust is a huge issue as well. Just being able to say anything you want now must be tempered with, 'what would the jw's think of this?' 'will this cause a fight?' Often the silence was deafening. And sometimes something is hilarious but you can't say anything because jw's seem to have no sense of humor (no offense folks). Or the humor is too 'off color' for a righteous jw. Loss, loss and loss is what the jw's dish up. We went through time after time of trying to see each others view point. I have given up for the time being. I focus on keeping others out to feel like I am doing something tangible.

  If you two are unable to discuss face to face have you considered writing each other? That way at least the conversation doesn't take to many different tangents. Pick one topic at a time.

  I think many ubm's have done the crying, ranting, nicey-nice routine, the indifference, and any other you can think of, all to no avail. We can't change their minds. Only plant the seeds. Slowly find your own life while still living with her. Her abandonment will become less painful in time. It never goes away though. You will know when the time is right to stay or leave, or she will let you know. Do you leave out your study materials? (non jw of course) If she leaves her wt stuff out there is no reason for you not to leave out your things. If she is offended tell her how offensive you find the wt's. It is one way to get the wt out of sight for awhile anyway. At least there is not visual reminders everywhere you turn around!

  Hang in there.
• 

  parakeet

  "she is disappointed in me because she thinks I deserve more recognition than I get (or even want), while the only recognition I want (need?) is from her, but her disappointment keeps her from it."
  
  
  It just occurred to me, AuldSoul, to wonder why, if your wife believes you deserve more recognition from the congregation, why is she disappointed in YOU? She should be disappointed in THEM.
• 

  freedomloverr

  ((((auldsoul))))
  
  I didn't have time to read through all the responses so I apologize if this was already mentioned....
  
  just some thoughts that came to mind when I read this. you mentioned she says "you can get through this together." does she say this because she secretly hopes that if she sticks it out long enough you'll come around? have you made it crystal clear that is not an option? even if you have, you know she is getting *loving counsel* that she needs to trust in Jah and wait patiently for you.
  
  there is a reason you and she are still there, together - even if you can't see or define the reason right now. sometimes trusting in that is all that may get you through the rough moments. only you will know what to do in the end, but I do think that when the time is right you will know what course to take.
  
  she may have financial fears or fears of just being alone that keep her in the relationship. she may have not worked through all the issues herself yet. be patient with eachother and just be honest. tell her what you've told us and see how she reacts.....
  
  
  hugs to you both.