JW husband very sad

by Rebirth 41 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  blondie

  Rebirth, I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties. I grew up in a family with a non-JW father and JW mother. I was your children. The WTS does officially tell JW husbands not to use the heavy hand of headship on their non-JW wives. I agree with Pope that it might be easier if you said it was alright to take the girls out once a month and then you make sure that you offer them an alternative to counteract the WTS.

  *** w02 8/15 p. 30 Questions From Readers ***

  What if his unbelieving wife insists on taking their children to her place of worship or teaching them her beliefs? The law of the land may give her the right to do so.

  *** w96 10/15 p. 22 Father and Elder—Fulfilling Both Roles ***

  Today, an elder might be married to a woman who practices a different religion, is an agnostic, or even an atheist. If she is willing to stay with him, he should not leave her simply because of differing beliefs.

  *** Family book chap. 11 p. 132 par. 11 Maintain Peace in Your Household ***I

  f you are the husband of a wife with a faith different from yours, be especially careful to show respect for your wife and consideration for her feelings. As an adult, she deserves a measure of freedom to practice her religious beliefs, even if you disagree with them.

  Love, Blondie
• 

  diamondblue1974

  I have been out of jws for about three years, husband still goes and brings out two young girls. He has been really withdrawn lately, eating less, not interested in sex. I thought he was moping because I recently had a birthday party for our young daughter and because of Halloween activities. It finally confronted him tonight about it and he said that he is depressed and mourning the loss of his wife (me) to this world. He is saddened at the thought of not having me to live forever with (as he put it). I've tried to reassure him that I love him just as much as I ever have but it didn't seem to phase him. He is almost sarcastic about my new way of living. He says I'm selfish. I found out he has bringing the girls in the field ministry (he slipped up and mentioned it this evening) something I didn't want him doing with the girls. He says, "Tough." I've okay with everything he does with them and don't complain, that is the only activity that I am not comfortable with a 4 and 6 yr old engaging in. I am beside myself. I really am wondering how to proceed. I love my husband very much, but I will not go back to living that life. I am trying so hard to give my girls a normal life without all the restrictions placed on them, but I am sick of being "punished" everytime I do.

  My husband has refused to see a doctor regarding the depression. What can I do? I just want him to accept me and my new life. I want to live a happy life together with our girls and a mutual respect for each others ways. Am I being selfish, should I resign myself to living in a stress filled relationship?

  It would seem that hes attempting to use emotional blackmail to force you to his way of living/thinking and that isnt called for; in his defence he probably feels he has no option and that this is the only way to get through to you. You have every right however to stipulate what activities you children can and cannot get involved in but in the spirit of compromise it might be an idea to discuss ways of meeting halfway; i.e letting them occasionally attend field service but stipulate that they not take part and make any presentation etc.

  He sounds like he needs reassurance of how you feel and I wouldnt be too hard on him; he does need to take responsibility for his actions but in the end, it is the cult that are causing such turmoil not your husband directly. Refusing to see a doctor regarding his depression is however unreasonable and I would encourage him to go as much as you can; in particular if you see him getting/feeling worse.

  In short you are not being selfish at all....and there is no reason why you should accept the stress that the WTS are placing on your relationship.

  I wish you well.

  Gary
• 

  Rebirth

  I asked my husband if he would compromise with FS and he said, "I let you do what you want with the girls and you will afford me the same freedom. I will not compromise in regard to how I train my children in the truth." Makes me want to vomit. They will be forced to go even if they don't want to. However, they love being with their daddy, so I'm sure they won't mind going out.

  Thanks for the quotes Blondie. I know he is trying, and he even said "Have I said anything to you about what you've done, anything?" No he hasn't, but actions speak louder than words, especially with me, and he knows that. I slept on it and tried really hard to imagine being back in and watching my partner leave the truth and how hard it would be. I found our daughters birthday hat crinkled up in a ball in the bathtub this morning. I think he is trying to keep quiet about it and internalize it and I don't think that is good either. I would love to see him in therapy, but that isn't going to happen.

  I called him this morning at work to ask how he's doing and to reassure him of my love. I guess that is all I can do. I've got to get strong myself so I can get through the next two months of holidays.

  Thanks everyone.

  P.S. Jwfacts, I look at your post and find encouragement for the future. Thanks for sharing your individual success with me.
• 

  mama1119

  It kind of sounds like he is using depression to manipuilate and guilt you. JW are very good at finding angles that will get to you. I would not go back to the life you finally found the courage to leave. You just need to keep educating yourself against mind control, and learn what questions you can use to raise curiosity in his mind. I know from personal experience that husbands/wives can use all sorts of guilt tactics to keep you in the borg, and they will work if you let your guard down or get tired. Do whats best for your girls. Maybe you could compromise on the service thing, like only one a month for two hours or something.

  I hope it all works out for you!

  Mama
• 

  codeblue

  Welcome Rebirth

  My heart goes out to you trying to deal with "getting it real for yourself".

  I am going thru the same thing with an adult child who is reacting the same way your husband is to you...only he is relinquishing contact with me for a while.

  Keep telling your husband you love him. His fear is that you might leave him as well.

  Stay true to yourself no matter what. Nobody should force you to stay in a religion that you find "unpure in Jehovah's eyes".

  hugs to you....

  Codeblue
• 

  jgnat

  Pope was absolutely right that you have to keep your marriage honest. Get your husband to agree that there is no sneaking around. If he is taking the girls out in FS, he has to tell you. Otherwise, there is no relationship. And I don't mean divorce. Separated or not, if you are not honest with each other, the marriage is a sham.

  Your therapist is dead-on that your husband will resort to the cult mouthpiece when cornered. This is who you have been living with the past year.

  I'm the non-JW half of a mixed marriage. I live your life, too. I've noticed that ALL JW'S are depressed these past couple months. The WTBTS has promised an END to their endurance, "Soon, very soon" now, in a very backhanded way. The congregation members are dragging their butts around distributing a hostile tract to indifferent households. There's the deep anxiety that every non-JW that they love will be dead, dead, dead very soon. Or maybe not. Maybe this whole thing is a farce and they've wasted their lives supporting an uncaring organization. Both outcomes are insupportable.

  On the plus side, no-one can live with this internal conflict forever. He'll break some time. If I were a prophet, I'd say the break will be in January or February. I think the most zealous are not expecting the world to last much longer after that. When hubby does break, be ready to pick up the pieces. Pay attention to whether you are talking to the cult personality or the man you fell in love with.

  In the meantime, remind him of things you have done together, his hobbies and interests that make him uniquely himself. As much as possible, bring out his natural personality. That will weaken the hold of the cult personality over his mind, and give you more time with your real husband.

  I'd like to get you hooked in to a support network of UBM's or "Unbelieving Mates." Guys, what do you think?
• 

  juni

  Welcome Rebirth to the forum. You will find many caring people here ready to give their help.

  What I would suggest though is professional marriage counseling. There you have a neutral 3rd party who can really help you understand each other's needs.

  I'll read this entire thread later, but that is what I have to suggest right now.

  Hugs,

  Juni
• 

  drew sagan

  I too wish the best for you.
  
  There are no perfect ways to help family in the organiztion, but I really don't think professional help is what your husband is going to respond to. The problem he is facing deals directly with you and this cultish religion.
  
  Only two things can really solve this issue for him. Either he learns the 'real truth' about the WTS, or you come back to the organization. Nothing else will do it IMO.
  
  I don't know anything about you but I might suggest you asking him to read 'Crisis of Conscience' or something like that. You must help him see why you don't want a part of the JW lifestyle.
  
  I think you have run to far ahead of yourself with the parties and such. Work with your husband on sorting out these issues. Try and get him to examine the Society. I think that will bring about better fruitage.
  
  He is in a situation where everything appears to being going as bad as possible. He is married and has children with a woman who is not going to live on into Gods new order. To a JW this is a really big deal. If he reaching out towards another girl at the hall its because she is what he wants, a good JW. More than likely he feels stuck because you are not what he wants in a wife (not what the WTS has told him he should have in a wife).
  
  I don't see this working out for you unless he understands the truth behind the WTS. If not he will allways blame you in his mind for ruining everything. That's what i'm going to guess anyway.
• 

  mouthy

  I too wish the best for you. Just remind him your marriage vows TO GOD!!!! were IN SICKNESS IN HEALTH till DEATH do you part. If he thinks your sick( for leaving the cult) He must ( if he loves GOD) stick by you.Otherwise it would have been better NOT to VOW!!!!

  Tell him that you should both pray to the Creator of the earth....TOGETHER!!!! FOR YOUR KIDS SAKE!!!

  Take it in turns praying. I know he dont think women should pray...But GOD tells us ALL & your one of the ALL.To pray....

  As for the Halloween thingy I think that will drive him further into the cult. IT IS a bit much!!!! I would leave the Pagan discussions out of your conversTIONS IF YOU WISH TO OPEN THE CLOSED MIND. aS SOON AS YOU START Pagan conversations he is petrified. And the WT cloak is back on again
• 

  enlightenedcynic

  Rebirth,
  
  Very difficult situation that you are in and I can relate. My wife is a die-hard dub, me?....I am a life long dub that is slowly fading. We have two small children and she insists they be indoctrinated thru meetings, field service and "bible" study despite the fact that I have brought to her attention some of the many contradictions and failed prophecies of the wts. She has labeled me a closet apostate and says that she would respect me more if I just stood up and let everyone know how I really felt about the "truth". I have chosen to stick this out because I love my family and my many friends that are still trapped in this prison.
  
  Time is our greatest ally!! If you value your relationship with your husband and don't want to lose him, just be patient and continue to reassure him of your love, which is what I do with my wife everyday. Give the wts the opportunity to hang themselves. All of their lies, half-truths and contradictions are starting to bite them right in the a**. It won't be very much longer before the morale of the r&f dub is completed destroyed by the wts' continued infringement on their time and personal interests, and by all those unfulfilled expectations.
  
  Be strong, I truly wish you the best.
  
  ec