Dating a JW for 2 years, his parents just found out.....pending drama...

by Kog 18 Replies latest social relationships

  • Kog

    Hello Everyone.

    quick background story:

    I have been friends with "J" for over 8 years, and we have been dating for almost 2 years. He is still living at home and we of course kept this from his friends and family.

    We had plans of keeping our relationship a secret until he moved out of the house. "j" is more concerend about his father losing the elder position and the reputation of his family rather than his own. He told me that the consequesces would only fall on him (and not his family) once he no longer lived under the same roof. He doesn't care about getting disfellowshipped. He states that he isn't much of a JW anyway (he's not much of a fan of meetings, service, and assmblies :) ). **** He is willing to give up being a witness for me****

    We have plans of moving in together and eventually getting married once after we graduate college and start our careers.


    Everything was going smoothly until someone at his hall saw us at the movie theaters together and brought it to "J's" fahter. His parents were surprisingly patient about the whole issue and gave me time to think about what to do with the relationship. But I know that it basically boils down to "you're either in or out." A month goes by and I've been stalling with my decision... until the bomb drops.

    I have been keeping an online journal for the past 4 years, I've kept it public so the friends that down own accounts can read my entries. Only people close to me knew the URL. until now. Apparently some JWs were snooping around and found my journal and read through it. I'm glad I kept most things about "J" and I as private entries, but some are not. It was his birthday recently and I wrote a quick little birthday shout out to him, and I guess this angered whoever read it because they gave a call to "Js" father. And I'm pretty sure my link has been passed around to other people in the hall.

    This happened yesterday and I have already closed all of my entries (that was a lot of work) to the public.

    His parents want me to at least try out the religion and go to bible study, if not, then the relationship is over. "If she really loves you, then she would go" they say. That isn't fair, since I can also say "if he really loves me, then he would quit." You can't force faith down my throat. :(

    If I don't comply then "J" will be disfellowshipped and his father has to resign unless "j" cuts all ties from me.

    I have already made my decision not to go to the bible studies. I came to the conclusion that they won't be satisfied until I convert, going to a few studies will only prolong the situation.

    I don't know what to do. I know that a lot of the advice will be for us to break up, but it breaks my heart just thinking about it. Is there any compromise? What will happen now? Will we be able to rehide the relationship until he moves out?

    I am willing to answer any questions that you my have for me and I thank you all in advance for your help.

  • MidwichCuckoo

    Welcome Kog - looks like the decision is 'J's. How old are you both?

  • Kog

    We're both 21.

  • MidwichCuckoo

    In that case you're both adults. You've made your decision that you'd never join the JW (and rightly so), and J has stated, ''He is willing to give up being a witness for me''. As you have future plans to live together, he will be disfellowshipped anyway. I'm surprised he isn't in BIG TROUBLE now (being dragged before a JC and questioned about his relationship with you) for having a 'Wordly girlfriend'.

    Is moving in with you an option for him?

  • undercover

    Here's something for both of you to consider...not trying to convince you either way what to do...just know that this will happen:

    If you have only dated and haven't done "it" or "it" can't be proven nor will be admitted to, then if he moves out and marries you, he may be able to "fade away" from the religion without much repurcussion except to be counseled to by the elders. In this case, he'll still have his family ties with his parents and any JW siblings. There will be stress and strain there but nothing that can't be handled with some patience and space from time to time.

    If, on the other hand, it is known that you have committed fornication in your relationship and your BF is bound and determined to leave home to be with you, even marry you, he will probably face judicial action and possible disfellowshipping. You probably know what that means...he'll be cut off from his family who are JWs. While he may claim to not care, you have to admit that no matter what, this is a devasting blow, to be ostracized and shunned by your family. In time, it could (not saying it will, but the possibility is there) lead to his resenting you because it was his relationship with you that causd him to pursue actions that got him cut off. Are you prepared to be the one blamed by everyone in his family as the woman who caused their son to disown them? Because that's how they are going to see it, despite the facts otherwise.

    There can be several other factors in how the situation is handled by the local elders. Are they over zealous? Do they feel the need to be in everyone's business? Will they go on a witch hunt to prove a point and to assert their supposed authority? Or, are they easy going, willing to let sleeping dogs lie, if your BF just quits going to meetings and doesn't make any more waves in the congregation? I've seen it go both all depends on the attitude of the elders.

    Just my .02 worth

    Good luck...

  • jgnat

    Hi, I'm a non-JW married to a Witness. I see a lot of hope in your situation, as long as "J" is willing to let his family live with the consequences.

    The big lie I see in the whole situation is that this is somehow your decision. That somehow the fate of this family and "J" is all in your hands. I suggest you and "J" sit down and decide what is best for the two of you, ignoring for the moment the consequences for everyone else. Then do it.

    Mom and dad will learn to live with the fallout.

  • carla

    It will a long road no matter what. He is 21 and can't tell his parents to butt out? Is this the kind of 'man' you want? Let's say you get married one day and have kids, what do you think will happen then? Will his parents frighten him back into this destructive cult and make the kids go? Are you prepared to let your child die for an unbiblical doctrine of the jw's? Are you prepared if he joins back up again? You and he need to really research this org. The parents are using emotional blackmail, it should not be tolerated. If he really loved you would he be willing to go to a church with you? Try that one on and see what happens.

    My personal opinion would be to, A. either he stands up to his parents now or he never will. B. Run from this man and his destructive cult and even more destructive family. Sorry if that is harsh, I am married to a jw who joined as an adult, have been reading these boards on a daily basis for over three years now and can come to no other conclusion. This is a very controlling cult that brings nothing but heartache. There is nothing biblical about this organization.

  • fullofdoubtnow

    Hi kog, and welcome to the forum.

    Whatever any of J's family says, the decision on your future is his. If he stands up to his parents and family now, you could have a future. If he doesn't then I would get out now if I were you.

    Good luck.


  • daystar


    This is what concerns me:

    ''He is willing to give up being a witness for me''.

    I would highly, highly recommend for your sake that you don't let anyone make such a decision "for you". And I'll tell you why. If he doesn't make the decision for himself, then it's very possible that he could resent you for it later. What if things don't work out later? "I gave up my life for you!" he could say. If he makes such a huge, life-changing decision for you, as he says, might it some day seem like you owe him?

    And think further... what if you do get married and begin to think about children seriously? Marriage and children are big responsibilities for anyone. For any man, often (hopefully), he begins to shoulder responsibility for many things, the safety of his family primarily, innately, both materially and spiritually. That is a time when many people look to the future. It's very possible that he could begin to re-consider the JW religion at that time.

    I would suggest backing off for a time at least. You're both young and you have time, though I know it may sometimes seem like you don't. If he is going to leave the religion, he needs to do it completely on his own terms. He needs to do some study into the religion more than he has if he says he's not much a JW because "he's not much of a fan of meetings, service, and assmblies". That's not enough, though it may be a start.

    If he's going to leave, it would be best that he does so because he knows it's not "The Truth", in his heart, and not for you. I think it would be in your interest that he does as well.

    And then, if the love that the two of you have for each other is Real, you will be together and won't have such a huge barrier between you.

  • Kog

    I found myself agreeing to a lot of the points that were brought up. J and I have always been the easy going type of people who just tend to "go with the flow" of things and not worry too much, but I guess we can't do that in this situation.

    I'll talk to him later today and bring up the points brought up in this thread. I will keep you all informed.

    Thank you for all your concern and advice.

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