You all are so kind and sweet, making me tear up over here! I wrote this reply early this morning but unfortunately had that lock-out thing happen so I can only post it now. I will add on to the end since more people posted so generously...
Again, daylight brings clarity. I shouldn't post when I'm sick lol I end up sounding like I feel like a victim or a martyr...I don't and there are so many comments I want to respond to but no energy to sort them out by individual so please, please forgive me if I put the wrong quote with the wrong person: I guess last night was more about sad reflection, which I think comes around for all of us from time to time.
Auldsoul, I think you nailed it precisely. I know she hates being a JW but she is so terrified of leaving it. She was, I know for a fact, very jealous that I married a man I was absolutely head over heels for (and still am all these years later) the second time. She was in love with a 'worldly' man and didn't marry him, and I believe she still regrets it. She said to me "We dont' all get to marry who we want."
About taking my power back...I have, for the most part and that is why I cut off her end run around me to manipulate the rest of the family to get to my child. That is what has her truly spinning head round in circles. Also, she was very jealous of my child's relationship as grandchild to my father, how sad is that? Talk about being trumped. My child came along and the great prom queen was dethroned for good. She demanded my father choose between her and my child, and he wouldn't walk away from us just to suit her and she has been seething for two years.
She does have mental problems, serious ones and would despite the religion and I guess that I have to finally separate the two once and for all when it comes to her. It just sucks to have to admit that all the female members of your family are insane (seriously so). My husband swears I was a 'vergance in the Force' and not born of this bloodline! I just want her to be happy. I want them all to be happy but they can't be living a lie.
I am truly blessed to have my husband, yes. I can tell you for a certainty he's the reason I still tread this earth.
Whoever said about wrinkles first...LOL that is true. She's almost a decade my senior and she has not been happy about aging at all. She's a beautiful woman but bitterness is aging her faster than years ever could.
The thing is, I just love her and want her to be happy. I had told her, if cutting me off solves all your problems, I'd be out the door before you could ask me to leave. The saddest part of all is that she just doesn't understand that if she had a major crisis in her life, she could call 25 of her jw friends, but I'm the one who would be coming in the door to try to help.
Most of the time, I have my wits about me and can remember that it's not about me and that I'm grown and powerful now; (the comment about dropping the h'ween card in the mail cracked me up lol) I just want power over my own life, not anybody elses.
I do have to remind sister 2 when I talk to her that I don't want to hear what dear Eldest thinks of me. She blurts this stuff out and then has no idea what it does to me. She's learning though. She stopped mid-sentence when about to say something else during our last conversation; and said "Know what? I'm not going there. Lets be positive." I almost dropped the phone. I keep telling her I don't want her in the middle, that I'm not putting her there and when we talk we should stay off the topic of sister X. What happens is she talks to X and then gets all freaked out and wants to dump that negative energy somewhere, and I've always been the convenient recepticle for that. Not anymore though, enough is enough of that.
I only have a couple leaks in the barrier that let the crud from her seep in sometimes...will be shoring those up and then getting back to the daily business of living and being happy not just with who I am but all I am truly blessed with.
Among my blessings, friends like you all who truly care and listen to me ramble at 3am :) I love ya all. Maybe this thread will help someone else who suffers from younger sister syndrome.
And dear Crumpet...please don't beat yourself up over the past, and if you can try with them at any point, try. All would truly, honestly be forgiven and forgotten if my sister showed up at my doorstep and was out of the cult, and in therapy and trying to make herself happy. I'd give her that totally clean slate in half a heartbeat, because in the end, I love her and that's the saddest part of all.
thanks everybody...again sorry if I missed some stuff. I'm still sick as a dog.
love
essie
p.s. CHL, saw your post just as I was about to put this up...your post is so sweet. Thanks again everybody for your support. It never ceases to amaze me, the gentleness and kindness us ol rotten 'apostates' can show each other...in contrast to the 'love' you find in the congregation. Talk about a study in light and darkness!
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Now to add: Scully, you are a sister of my heart, if I could have been lucky enough to have you as a sister I'd have chosen you no doubt! Somehow hearing all the things that you've said ring clearer in my head than hearing it in my own voice as I'm trying to convince myself...thank you so much for the reminder. If I can ever return the favor you know where I am! Zazu, you're too kind, and I thank you too for your input. Everyone is right, of course, and I know that deep down...I guess sometimes we just lose track of ourselves for a moment. Thankfully, my internal compass is better now at finding North again than ever, and if I get turned around, I can always count on you all to point the way back.
love, love, love you all. Many thanks, again.
Essie
