I remember being in school this time of year and all the school activities were in full swing and I couldnt join in. And I knew all the holidays were coming up, and that I was going to be forced to "take a stand". and really did not want to. I wanted to dress up for halloween so badly at school, and I would daydream about what my whole costume would be, but I knew I never could. Also with the days getting shorter, meeting seemed so dreadful, it was dark by the time we went and it just made it seem longer somehow.
When are you most susceptible to painful Watchtower memories?
When I think about my dad struggling to to stay in the Witnesses because he thinks that by showing up at a few meetings he can see his dead mother again in paradise.
Sometimes I feel that because I was the first to start the ball of apostasy rolling in our family that I've betrayed him. Its not true, but sometimes it feels that way.
I attended the wedding of a longtime non-JW friend of ours on the weekend.The family stood up by the head table and talked about their daughter (the bride) and memories of her growing up. The best man and bridesmaids all gave speeches about how they felt about the newly married couple and their lives prior and in the future.It was a beautiful wedding ceremony and reception full of family love. No witness wedding I ever attended including my own was as warm and loving. No one made speeches or really celebrated the day. The master of ceremonies at a witness wedding was usually an approved ministerial servant. It made me sad in a way that I had missed out on a real celebration of marriage when I married. Dubs are not allowed to express true feeling or make anyone feel special in any way.. It really made me realize how shallow and empty the Dub way of life is..So happy my kids will have a real wedding when they marry ..
I DO get terribly involved emotionally when reading the experiences of those who post here. My heart SO goes out to them, and NOBODY understands better than one who has been through this.....another exJW. The dynamics are very unique when coming out of the WTS cult.
I am continually in the midst of what I call the ripple effect of the WTS shunning policy. It never stops....and each time I am blindsided BY these "effects" by family members....I am reminded of the "looooove" they claim to possess.
My entire family has been shredded to bits because of what the WTS SEZ and how the JWs react. Even those that werent JWs have been affected and this has impacted the attitudes of others. It's been a surprising element that I had not expected when leaving, and ANY family gatherings on hubby's side OR mine....have been affected in one way or another by a number of things.
NonJW relatives that I had no problems with for the 39 years I have been married----have now all but stopped speaking to me when I didn't attend a funeral for a JW BIL in MA, who had treated me like crap when he was alive. Neither hubby (his sister's hubby died) or me felt any need to take the time off and make the trip there when he did as the WTS SEZ and quite obviously shunned me at another funeral/ family gathering a few years before. Why bother?
Well it split the (his) family right down the middle and things have been really strained between us since then. Relatives who were not even there at the shunning event....have since cut us off---no emails, no Christmas cards, Anniversary cards, B'day cards, etc etc......only ONE made any comment about my recent hospital stay in June where in plain Engish---I damn near died, so we KNOW where we stand. ALL a result---that ripple effect of the evil WTS, the people who follow them and will live forever on a paradise earth!
MY parents disowned me when I became a JW.....and have never forgiven me since I finally left the WTS, even though I wrote letters to beg their forgiveness and to take all the blame for the non-holidays, etc.
MOST of my nonJW or Dfed kids have have forgiven me (pretty much) for all the things they missed out on all through school, and for all they went through AS JW kids. One "married-to-an-elder" daughter is still IN and naturally (WHAT is "natural" about anything the WTS teaches, BTW???) has nothing to do with me.....
...and I am often reminded of how other families are so close, loving and forgiving even when there IS friction and temporary hard feelings. For the claims the JWs make on how "Christian" they are, and how THEY are "God's favored religion", they sure make THAT hard to believe from the outside! Maybe THEY believe that.....but very few nonJWs see it this way!
I was so vulnerable and really stupid....and I really messed up my life when I accepted that "free home bible study" so very many years ago....and I am reminded of it every day in one way or another. I have done my best to make up for things and to patch up what I possibly could, but it will never be fixed...just a bit better. I'm not silly enough to imagine things would have been idyllic and peachy-keen had I NOT become a JW...but I do hate the WTS so MUCH for this and what we might have been and didn't have the chance to become.
Sorry for the lengthy post....I guess I tend to get a bit riled up on this subject....
1. My parents physical abuse till I was 17 years old
2. The humiliation
3. My mom becoming an alcholic overtime while a witness
4. My dad (who is still a JW) not talking to me for 15 years and not ever meeting his grandchildren...
When are you most susceptible to painful Watchtower memories?
When I see my neighbours outside in the sunshine playing with their children and grandchildren I am reminded that, for the sake of the preaching work, my ex and I decided not to have a family until after 'armageddon'. It's a reminder that, if I'm unlucky enough to live a long life, on my deathbed I'll be surrounded by plastic tubes and stainless steel appliances with no human company to say goodbye to.
Finally-Free that hurts deep down to think about those like you that decide to be good BORG members. I can understand your pain. I was like you, I was not going to have any kids but after ten years of marriage my wife could not stand not having kids so I gave in. I was almost like you and I can not imagine life with out them.