Dating an Ex-JW

by dyone 16 Replies latest social relationships

  • PeachRose

    JGnat gave some great tips with the JW child. Most "hardcore" JW's will say "no way" to anything remotely associated with holidays, even substitutions, but it sure wouldn't hurt to try. At the very least, you can always give his child little gifts and take her on outings throughout the year (it also help the child to not feel uncomfortable-especially if she is being raised to not celebrate any holidays-the JW religion is very strict). When I was a 5 my parents started studying with the witnesses, as they became more and more engrossed in their studies the "rules" had started to change. I can recall in Kindergarden celebrating my birthday with the class and going to halloween parties, etc-my family also had a huge x-mas tree with the works. The following year the HUGE x-mas tree was reduced to a small table-top one, no lights were hung on our windows, we decorated bananas instead of pumpkins for halloween, and we started celebrating our birthdays the day after. The year after that-no more holidays. Did I miss it - yes, did I feel bad when the kids in school got to attend the classroom x-mas party and I was sent into another classroom because I couldn't participate-yes. It sucked, but that was the "rules of the religion". I know I'm getting off the topic here-but I just want you to understand how it is (although I'm sure your boyfriend told you a lot about it).

    This is a tough situation but if you really love this guy and he really loves you it will work. His family doesn't have to love you - remember you are dating him, not his family- like the old saying "you can choose your spouse but you can't choose your in-laws". Mine are just "wonderful" ~sarcastic~. Nevertheless, it will work out for the best in the end. There are lots of things you can do with his child that both of you will enjoy-celebrating holidays-although wonderful for you may not be so wonderful for the child - it's best to find out the dos and don'ts first. I wish you lots of luck and happiness. I know everything will work out.

  • Sunspot
    My personal opinion is that a normal family relationship with a JW is a pointless delusion. They'll only be friends with you for as long as they think they can convert you and bring him back. When they work out that they can't, they won't be interested in you any more - you will be invisible, and they will use his daughter as a pawn to guilt him for the rest of his life. They will reject him, and still tell her that Daddy doesn't let them see her any more.

    OUCH!!!! That HURT!

    But...this was absolutely right as I see it.

    You have a long road ahead of you both....but it CAN be overcome as long as you don't let the JW aspects "get to" you. The will be and CAN BE very stubborn because they are taught that whatever the WTS teaches is right----and whatever is NOT taught by the WTS---is from Satan. It doesn't leave much wiggle room for compromise OR discussion.

    Take one step at a time and try not to let them get under your skin. Enjoy your life---and enjoy each other.....and reman a united front whenever things come up from their end of things....because they will.

    Let us know how you are both doing.....



  • joannadandy

    Generally these threads involve "I'm in love with a JW" - which make me a little pessimistic as to success...but the "I'm dating an ex-jw" is far more promising.

    Yes - it's true his family probably won't be too thrilled with you. So what? There has never been a relationship where parental support was guranteed. You and your family could be of tremendous support and help for your ex-jw boyfriend. That's huge! Besides, I am sort of the opinion that while parents and extended family are nice - your relationship is not about's about what you can now build together.

    As far as with jw issues - well that's something a lot of blended families also have to consider - different ideas about parenting ideas. Who says you can't be excited about Christmas and Halloween? Of course you can! Will she share your enthusiasm - perhaps, perhaps not...that's part of raising a kid to think for themselves - that's something she will have to work out for herself...just like other kids.

    The roadblocks I see for you two seem pretty do-able, and something lots of couples in similar situations to yourselves (extraneous of the JW issue) will face. Keep up the good communication - keep up the love and support for each other - and you'll be just fine...

    My two cents...

  • Wordly Andre
    Wordly Andre

    his family may accept you, you were not a JW and not baptized, so they might think that they can "change" you and then you can work on him, and get him back in the truth. Well at least this is the way my family tends to think

  • SPAZnik

    Well, for sure you both come from different CULTural backgrounds. Enjoy!

  • luffy

    count yourself lucky that the man you love is infact an ex JW, and not as in my situation, about to embark on being baptised one, my love for him is such that I would have done anything for the chance of a life with him, the obstacles you face will be difficult but not impossible as are mine. I would gladly swap circumstances with you!!!...good luck.

  • Faolan

    I have never been a JW and am not only dating an ex-JW (Gadget/Paul), but am engaged to and marrying him in May of next year. At first I was terrified to meet his parents because of things he had told me about the JWs and because of what I had read on this board.

    However his parents have never shown me anything but care and respect (his dad even telling me that he looks on me as a daughter - which is quite nice really cos my own dad doesn't show me that much concern). His parents would do anything for us (within reason I guess ) and likewise Paul and I are the same with his parents. Religion per se is never discussed but there has been the odd reference to meetings, talks etc, but not enough to make me uncomfortable or concerned. I do find that I watch what I say a little and I tend not to mention birthdays or Christmas, and when his mum came with me, my mum and sis for my dress fitting, my nerves were on edge every time my sister uttered "oh God", "for Christ's sake" and "oh bloody hell" lol.

    Although I don't post often, being a member of this board is really helpful, as for non-JW's, it really gives us an insight into what the life of our partners has been like (or may still be like) and gives us a better understanding of how they tick.

    I agree with LT that it will be difficult but I also agree with Cordelia that you shouldn't write him off because you are worried about how his parents will react to you. You might be surprised, but if not, that doesn't matter - you are going out with your partner, not his parents.

    Good luck and best wishes

    Faolan/Claire x

Share this