How to leave Jehovah's Witnesses (fairly) painlessly...

DubBeachBabe

Posted this as a response on another thread, but I know there are people who want this as a new discussion. So...

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I'm sure there are many good people watching these discussions who know you want to leave, but also know that this is what may await you - family alienation and pain.

If you haven't already overtly left, my advice to you is this: don't succumb to the disfellowshipping process . Avoid it in any way you can. Read that again: avoid it in any way you can. Remove yourself from the self-appointed judicial authority of Jehovah's Witnesses.

In that way your family doesn't feel obliged to ignore you. Unless they are seriously hardcore, after time you will just become the wordly son/daughter/relative, but you'll still be able to (1) love them as hard as you can, (2) spend quality time with them, and perhaps even (3) subtly open their minds to what they're caught up in. (The third option is unlikely though!)

How to avoid the DF process?

Firstly, don't do anything, for now, that is a black-and-white disfellowshipping offence. Now is not the time to take up smoking or to set up home with the partner to whom you aren't married, or to appear in the newspaper as Santa Claus at your local mall.

But the following things are not DF offences: not attending meetings, not doing field service, spending time with non-JW friends, getting a good education, moving away from your home congregation, getting a good job, joining sports clubs, developing countless interests that aren't related to religion. The list is long. (Maybe that's another thread.)

Put a bit of time and space between yourself and the JW judiciary system.

Carry on loving your family and being a brilliant son/daughter/parent/aunt...

There is a rule, unwritten I believe, though I haven't read the elders' manual so I can't be sure, that if someone is not considered by their community as a JW for 5 years or so then they fall outside the ambit of the judiciary system. Some elders disregard this, but let's face it, their work is cut out for them spying on current members of the congregation, and gathering evidence and conducting hearings on those that choose to remain accountable to Jehovah's Witnesses.

Keep on loving your family.

And then one day, I hope and pray, one day you'll realise that you're free. No elder will care about calling you in. Hell, no congregation will consider you theirs to worry about!

All the best in your journey, and in discovering who you really are.

BB

Seeker4

Good advice.
But I was outside the 5 year time limit and they still came after me, with the prodding of a gungho CO.
My experience is laid out here in a number of topic threads on JWD.
Glad to share my own experiences on this.
S4

fullofdoubtnow

My bf was the same as S4. He'd not been to a meeting for almost 6 years, and hadn't professed to be a jw from the day he walked out of the kingdom hall for the last time, yet the elders still saw fit to go after him. Needless to say, he didn't appreciate their visit, and decide to da almost immediately after it. I guess it deoends on the boe really, I think the po's main interest in life is bothering people who don't want to be bothered, and I'm not the only one who thinks that.

parakeet

It's nice if you can fade unnoticed until it no longer matters to the elders and JC. Unfortunately, the elders often will come a-gunnin' for you anyway and demand that you demonstrate your loyalty to the WTS. If you ignore them, they'll df you anyway. Just a casual check of the postings during the last week or two will reveal at least a few examples of this JW vigilante tactic.
And I don't think there's a statute of limitations beyond which the JWs cannot touch you. I've been inactive for almost 30 years, but I'm still very careful about revealing personal information.
Never underestimate the malice of the JWs toward those who have left, whether da/dfed or faded.

Mamacat

Great advice! The only catch I see is when family members tattle on a fader and keep the congregation aware of their whereabouts.

I wish they would not coerce or allow children to get baptised. Everywhere I turned as a teenager, someone was asking me with that goofy looking smile, "When are you going to dedicate your life to Jehovah?" All the stories about 9 and 10 year olds getting baptised, and then other younger ones in the hall would go ahead and you were made to feel something was wrong with you when you said you weren't ready. It was as bad as the "peer pressure" they are always talking about in those Young People Ask articles. At least I had my non-JW dad to use as an excuse since he was always "persecuting" us. I am so glad I did not go through with it because I still have my mom and grandma and aunts who will speak to me.

Sorry, went off on a little of a tangent, but I wonder how many families could be saved if they didn't allow people to be baptised until they were 18? I think some jw's can accept a child falling out of the truth more than they can accept their child being df'd because of the stigma attached.

I guess they could have tracked me down and had me da'd, but nothing.

garybuss

I had been a believing walkaway for 18 years when the Jehovah's Witnesses started shunning me. I guess they disfellowshipped me after 18 years, they must have.
I was silent and not causing them any problems until they started shunning me. The Witnesses who weren't shunning me were disrespecting me. I didn't see any reason to continue to be silent any longer since anybody who could piss me off intentionally, had done so.
After January of 1995 I started telling my story. I advertised for former Witnesses here, and over 40 contacted me. I advertised for active Witnesses and quite a few answered me. One couple tried to convince me to become a Witness again. I liked them a lot. I accepted everything they gave me and I listened to all their reasons for me to return. They may have dug too deep to try to answer a couple of my questions. They disassociated after about 6 months.
I've enjoyed the shunning program. It's the gift that keeps on giving. This is the best life I've ever had. Disfellowshipped is the best status.
If I'm disfellowshipped, I can sleep in Saturday mornings, I can go to meetings . . . . or not, I can pick up literature if I want, I can smoke cigars or even have sex with a buffalo if I want, I can talk to anybody I want and no Witness can talk to me. It's the perfect status if you ask me.

Arthur

I wish they would not coerce or allow children to get baptised. Everywhere I turned as a teenager, someone was asking me with that goofy looking smile, "When are you going to dedicate your life to Jehovah?" All the stories about 9 and 10 year olds getting baptised

Isn't it interesting that in the JW religion, 13,14,15 year-olds are considered old enough, and mature enough to make these kinds of huge, life-altering decisions. Yet, an 18 or 19 year old is too young and immature to make the decision to get married.

wonderwoman

Hi. I'm the new girl... This is great. I was just discussing this with my partner. I've been out for 11 years, no df no da, just a good ole fashioned f you to the dicks at my final elders meeting. I have gotten a few knocks on the door, had a couple pushy elders at my work to try and "talk", and my grandpa who lives only a few blocks away likes to do a yearly visit Sat. morning...not for lunch or to say good morning sweet grandaughter, but to drop off a memorial invite. So, I have been thinking about writing the "letter", to finalize something, what, I really don't know; for my own peace of mind I guess. But I can't imagine losing my sister, who still visits and calls and has become more friend than sis the past few years. She is sister pioneer married to brother bethalite. I am sure any letter would regretfully change our relationship. So, needless to say, this has been weighing heavy on my mind and heart for a while now. Lifw has been good the past few years. I still have the love and friendship of family ( the ones that matter most anyway) and they all know I am in no way a JW and no desire to ever be so again. Do I just leave it alone?

serendipity

Hi wonderwoman & welcome!

Since you want to maintain family relationships, I don't see that you have much choice but to leave it alone for now. If you formally disassociate, your family will most likely shun you.

Poztate

or not, I can pick up literature if I want, I can smoke cigars or even have sex with a buffalo if I want

.....Oh hang on...I see you are from South Dakota so that explains it all....

I am a long term(25 yr) fader. I do nothing to get the elders on my case.The problem with this is you are in a limbo land..not in and not truly out and free. It is a position that I continue with because of many relatives in the "truth". I would never submit to a JC if it came to that.I would just IGNORE THEM (they hate that) and if they wanted to DA or DF me so be it.

How to leave Jehovah's Witnesses (fairly) painlessly...

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