JW parents/relatives attempts to encourage you to come back or change ...

by alienagent 21 Replies latest jw experiences

  • alienagent

    I am rather new here, so I may be repeating a worn out subject. However, for me it is rather a new experience, since I have only just recently stopped going to the KH. My heart has never really been in it, though I am not in total disagreement and have made some nice friends in "the truth". I simply cannot maintain rigid lifestyle required to be acceptable - from the assocation with "worldy" friends (and I have several) down to the rediculous petty rules (like facial hair/grooming) that the WTS, not God, actually impose. My marriage to a sister was a fraud and her elder father supported her violent behaviour toward me (I had my faults too, of course, but I admitted them). She came out clean, I was reproved and stripped of priviledges for separating (now divorced). Anyway, let me get to the point ...

    When it was evident I was fading and attendance was at an all time low, suddenly "the end is coming" and "this isn't the time" lectures began - mostly from my mother. It all starts off rather gentle, but as time goes on they turn up the heat. Have you noticed that over time JW relatives go from "we love you, we want you back" to "your going to perish in the end!" Love turns to anger very quickly. My mother recently approached me red-faced and said "for all I'm concerned, to us you are already dead." Wow ... what a beautiful spiritual paradise. I cannot imagine Jesus using those words, yet they call themselves Christians.

    Now that they realize that talk is futile, other methods are now being used. I am currently in the process of moving out of my mother's home (for obvious reasons) and when she picked up my mail at the PO, she wrapped it in a WT that was open to an article entitled "Have you Left Jehovah?". When she realized I have a "worldly" girlfriend, she left a WT (or Awake) about immorality on the counter next to my car keys. She has collaborated with fellow JW reliatives (particularly my elder brother-in-law) to create methods to get me to return. They would rather me fake my way through and go through the motions rather than just be honest with them and with myself.

    Everything that is happening makes me feel like I have been a part of a cult. Think about it - interrogation, methods of intimidation (death threats - armageddon), harsh judgements and labels.

    The thing is, I never said that I was going to go out and start living some decadent, immoral lifestyle. I have a good job, supportive friends, a clean appearance, etc. But I am made to feel so dirty.

    What are some of your experiences with this?

  • garybuss

    Ever hear of the golden rule? She with the gold rules.
    My sons didn't live "WITH" me, they lived "OFF" me. My wife lives "with" me. If you're living with her, she's right and you have no rights.
    Pragmatically, I treat a Jehovah's Witness like they are mentally ill. Never agitate a person who's separated from reality and who's clinging to a delusion by challenging the delusion in any way. Respect the delusion no matter how unrespectable the delusion is!
    Best wishes, I hope it all works out the way you want!

  • forsharry

    For me it was the same garbage, just a different day. They are trying to shame you into coming back...like the nagging mother using guilt trips. and yet, you did everything 'right' once and look where it got you, yanno?

    There's a big world out there, filled with kind people who want nothing more to be your friends and family...and they won't throw conditional love at you.

    Now, if you don't agree with what I just said however, It'll be like you're dead to me. ;)


    of the "Lame Sarcasm" class

  • jstalin

    Alienagent - sounds like you're just trying to live a normal life. Now that you are out of the grip of the watchtower, you're seeing the organization for what it really is. Isn't it amazing how your point of view changes when the blinders are removed?

  • Elsewhere
    They would rather me fake my way through and go through the motions rather than just be honest with them and with myself.

    Yeah, I laughed at my parents when they suggested the same. They prefer a LIE over the TRUTH.

  • Nowman

    I ve been dead to my father the elder since October of 1992. I was dead to my mom from Oct 1992 to Sept 2000, when she came to her senses and left that cult and contacted me immediately. It truly hurts. Someday, I hope my dad comes to his senses instead of continuing to waste so much time, its been 14 years already. Hes about to have 3 grandchildren (I have the 3rd one on the way). If only he could see how my 9 year old daughter is growing up and is such a little sweetheart, and my 7 year old son, hes such a boy, such a great kid. He is missing out on so much. My children ask me, wheres your dad, mom? I explain with the littlest amount of details so as to not talk bad about him because what if he does come around some day?

    I forgive him. I am not bitter or angry anymore about him shunning me. As I grew older I realized how ridiculous this policy was! But, before this, I cannot express how the shunning affected my life. I was hurt for a long time. I think about him often and I know where he is....if only he knew how happy I was. I wonder, is he truly happy?

    Take care and hang in there, its tough, but live your life.


  • Mamacat

    My mom was big with the guilt trips. She would find mags that I should read too. Once I moved out, married, had kids, it was different, but still a prevailing theme.

    I finally couldn't take it anymore when she was crying and saying that it wasn't only me that she was going to lose to Armageddon, it was her grandsons too. I told her that she told me when I was a kid, I would never have to worry about graduating high school, getting a job, having kids etc in this "old system." And that I was injured for life because I never had the goals and plans like other normal kids do. Everytime I wanted to do something, it was shot down because we didn't have much time left...

    I told her I couldn't have her saying stuff like that in case the kids overheard...that we were going to die! I asked her if she would like to tell them directly to their faces the stuff she kept telling me. She said she wouldn't want to hurt or scare them! Well DUH then quit trying to do it to me although I know bettter. I lived with that crap as a kid.

    We finally agreed to disagree. She doesn't bring up her jw stuff unless I ask or if she does bring it up, I can tell her I don't want to discuss it, and she will respect that. That way, she gets to spend all the time she wants with us and think it is because we won't make it through to paradise...and we don't have to listen to the jw crap. It took several years to get to that point, and I was never baptised. But, above all, my mom has a commitment to family, which I know not all jw's do. I think it came from the fact that she wanted to spend time with us more than we wanted to spend time with her.

  • Bumble Bee
    Bumble Bee

    My mother used to lay the quilt trip on me too. With her it was "don't you want to see your father in the New System?".

    Things were rocky for a while, but gradually when it finally sunk in she's pretty much given up and has come to accept my decisions.

    When you are out on your own, you can limit contact and set some boundaries.

    Hang in there.


  • littlerockguy

    I was baptized at 19 in 1987 and started faded in 1998, however in 1995 is when I started to really believe that I have been had but eventually just got tired of it all and decided it wasn't worth being something I wasn't and couldn't live; that was before I found out it was all a lie.

  • Arthur
    Pragmatically, I treat a Jehovah's Witness like they are mentally ill. Never agitate a person who's separated from reality and who's clinging to a delusion by challenging the delusion in any way. Respect the delusion no matter how unrespectable the delusion is!

    Garybuss, that is one of the best pieces of advice that I have seen on this site. It's really simple, yet very profound indeed.

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