by RichieRich 52 Replies latest jw friends

  • RichieRich

    All to often, my mind drifts to my mixed feelings for my mother.

    The deep love that burned in my heart for the woman who had given me life.

    The suicidal remorse I felt for bringing such guilt and reproach on her good name.

    The blinding anger I felt for her never questioning her beliefs, but always questioning her son.

    And so I'm left with a vacuous emotional chamber for a large element that is missing from my soul.

    And when you've lost your most valuable possesion, everything else is gravy on an empty plate - pointless.

    And so I hurt too, and I love my mom, but does she love me? The unanswered question haunts my mind.

    We recieve, we give, and sometimes, we just plain screw up.

    Mom, I love you.

    no matter what.

  • Sparkplug

    Aw Ritchie. You about made me cry with that. My heart goes out to you.



    Keep on keeping on, it gets a bit easier with time.

  • orbison11

    And so I hurt too, and I love my mom, but does she love me? oh yes, richie you can be sure,,she loves you!!

  • stealyourface

    Richie, I'm sure she does, as best as she knows how. It's just that her definition of love has been skewed by a destructive cult.

  • RichieRich

    Sparky, its ok if you cry. I did while I was typing it.

    Occasionally one needs to purge themself of all that inner poison.

  • Arthur


    I'm sure your mom still loves you. How could a mother not love her own flesh and blood? I've never read any of your previous posts, so I don't know exactly what happened between you and your mom. I know from personal experience that when people are hurting or scared, they act out and do some irrational things. I know of parents who were deeply angry, hurt, or disappointed in the actions of their children, but they still loved them the same.

    If you are in a lot of pain, go ahead and open up and share it with us. We certainly won't judge you for it. Many of us on this board (myself included) have desparately needed support from others at certain times. There are certainly many on this board who care.

    Take some time out and think about your good qualities. This is something that many of us fail to do from time to time. Just remember that no matter how hard or painful things are right now; they are never permanent.

    Take care, and I wish you the best, friend.

  • Merry Magdalene
    Merry Magdalene

    Oh, you expressed that so perfectly! I feel for you, because this is just what I felt in regard to my own JW mother for years and years...

    But I will say that just before she died earlier this month, even though nothing of our sweet and painful past was actually resolved, we did get to share some time together in which I knew, without a doubt, her true love for me and she got to know my deep and abiding love for her, apart from everything else that had gone wrong.

    I hope you and your mom, one way or another, sooner rather than later, will be able to share at least one perfect moment of love, free of all the other crap. It is something to treasure. Maybe you already are able to feel at least a lingering touch of it...and maybe she does too.


  • Effervescent

    Amen Brother... A beautiful, heartbreaking and hearfelt post... Thank you....

  • nsrn


    Bless your heart. You are the most eloquent kid I 'know.'

    Arthur, check out his post histories. He's got a story to tell.

  • ozziepost

    Struth, Richie, I didn't know you had it in ya - the prose i mean!

    Richie, i'm sure that, deep down, she does love you but she's not 'allowed' to show it.

    I suspect she's just as anguished and confused as you but, if anything, she's worse off because she doesn't really understand why.

    Just keep being a good son and you'll never have regrets, nor a bad conscience towards her.

    Cheers from downunder,


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