We need help

by _Atlas 25 Replies latest jw friends

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  sam1987

  The way i look at it is that if you didnt tell her now she could have gone down the JW road for the next 20 years, and then finally figure it all out and it would be so much worse, all though this stage of her life will be tough for her (losing a loved one as well as finding out the real truth about the org both at the same time), i think it will make her alot stronger er when she pulls through it all. as for you trying to help her feel better and to help her pull through i think as long as you can be there for her when she needs to talk or when she needs a shoulder to cry on that is the most comforting thing. Dont worry it will all work out,

  Sam.
• 

  jwfacts

  You can kill a persons faith in the cult without destroying their faith in God and a resurrection. Most people get comfort from their belief that there is a God and a resurrection, they are just more realistic that institutions and corporations do not represent him.

  Heaven is a far nicer resurrection hope than what the Witnesses preach. JWs are forced to believe that their loved one is presently rotting in a grave waiting for that time in the future when maybe God will resurrect the loved one, and maybe God will let them into the New System to see them (if they are good enough at the moment of Armageddon). The heavenly hopes means a person can be comforted that their loved one is alive and looking over them, soon to be reunited at their own death. I am far more at peace about death now that I am not a JW, even though I do not believe in a formal religion.
• 

  Arthur

  There is absolutely nothing that you could have said that "wrecked" her faith. You really did not have that power. There was something inside of her that made her listen to you and take heart. There was something inside of her that made her want to read C.O.C. You must remember that there was a reason why she kept contacting you and why she internalized what you told her. Most Witnesses do not do that. Anytime you say anything even remotely critical of the org, the "apostate alarm" goes off inside their head.

  Trust me. When I was a Witness, I met apostates many times. Not once did anything they say make a dent in my thinking. It wasn't until I was willing to listen to my own doubts and intuiton that I finally opened up mentally and was willing to investigate. The crisis of faith only occurs from the inside.

  She is indeed in for a rough emotional ride. Several times, I thought that I was going to have panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. In my case too, all of my family and most relatives are devout JWs. I am still going through some very rough emotional adjustments. But, this is normal.

  She is going to need some very strong support. Sometimes, exit counseling is beneficial and has helped many ex-JWs.
• 

  vitty

  Does she still belive in God and Jesus ? If she does then she needs to know what the bible truly says about life after death.

  If not then she needs support, it takes time for us to get our heads round the "s...t, im going to die one day, just like everyone else" I went through a dark stage, but I was on this site everyday and eventually I started to live my life for today.

  Cant she get onto this or other sites, she must just feel very lonely at the moment, stuck in her own head with her own thoughts.
• 

  Pubsinger

  Interestingly Franz' book was called Crisis of Conscience not Crisis of Faith.

  There is lots to explore with regards to "Christian belief" and doctrine. You don't give all the details but recognising that WT claims are wrong doesn't necessarily equate with "The Bible is wrong" or "No where else to go"

  What makes your friend feel there is no hope after death?
• 

  Swan

  As she is on the phone and breaksdown as the bad news that pour down from almost all directions....

  In this situation, What do you say to someone you had personally made aware that there might not be an afterlife after all? What words will soothe a full frontal confrontation with mortality?

  One of the things I appreciate most about my new life is the ability to really "feel" death. When bad things happen, I feel sorrow and I feel grief. Consider that this is a good thing. These are real feelings that are a part of human existence. They are important feelings.

  The JWs denial of death and reliance on sham beliefs of resurrection/everlasting life to avoid it rob them of their humanity. How many times have you heard a JW, when learning of someone's death, callously say, "Oh, but now they have the hope of the resurrection?"

  These are people who don't confront death... ever! These are people who live their lives without really feeling alive, because they think they and every loved one they ever lost will live forever in some future paradise. They permanently postpone the real feelings that we need to experience about life... and death... in order to fully appreciate our life and the life and loss of those who have died.

  What words will soothe a full frontal confrontation with mortality? For one, just be there. These are feelings she must work through. Commiserate with stories of your own losses, but also provide stories of the persons you lost. Tell her about their quirks, funny anecdotes, and accomplishments. Help her to appreciate and remember the people she lost as valuable and treasured lives that enriched her life.

  Tammy
• 

  Crumpet

  You have been a very good friend and I totally understand your dilemma. Perhaps you would not have chosen to enlighten her with the the truth about the truth had you been able to see into the future, but you can;t do that. You did the right thing and should not feel guilty.

  As an aside - i have often had the same quandry in my head. If I had twenty minutes to inform and tell my parents and sister the truth and they would believe me how would i then live with the fact that the fanstasy life they have indulged themselves in for decades and invested every penny and breath in was destroyed. What would they live for? I think they can live with thev disappointment of the new order not coming in their lifetime better than they can live with knowing its never going to happen at all and that they threw me away for nothing.
• 

  drew sagan

  A thread a while ago addressed the benefits of religion in dealing with these situations.

  
  Personally I feel that coming out of the organization is much eaiser for an individual when they retain christian beliefs. It seems to me that those come at the witnesses with the atheism or agnostic approach become less effective, and for the listening JW post jw-ism is connected with belief in no God at all. And sometimes this can be more than a confused witness can handle.
  I was converted to the JWs because of their strong 'use' of the Bible. When I saw they violated their own priciples regarding it, I started to reject it. Books like those published by Ray Franz are the best at this stage, and I think that this is the best progression of things.
  After this stage is when one can take a step back and start to gradually think about other possiblities (which I do all the time now). This process is slow, and takes time. But when one if first coming out of the WTS I think it is eaiser and more proper to reach them by showing them how the WTS violates it's own priciples. In the end I think it helps indivuals cope outside of the org better.
  More than anything we allways want to make sure we don't force others to adopt our own conclusions. Helping her to see that the WTS if false is a great thing, but then forcing your own dogma can do alot of damage as well. Letting people CHOOSE what they believe is key.
• 

  tata

  Well, my first words were Oh my God!

  _Atlas, thank you very much for your concern. You know me and know that I cried reading this. When we talked, I told you don’t have to feel bad, because even when I’m living this, I feel calm and good. I preferred the truth that lives a lie. So do not be so hard with you is not your fault.

  For everyone here, THANK for your words. I really need to read things like this. It is not easy for me, because like _Atlas said, death was (really IS) something that I do not want to talk.

  It is VERY HARD that I’m loosing my family, also it's hard tell my family things like resurrection, that Jehovah is always with his servants, He loves you, etc. I know that my family feel better, but I feel like a hypocrite and heard the elders and brothers make me sick. I really can't believe that in the past I said and believed that “s…t”, but that’s another story.

  In this moment I ask my self what I believed, but with honesty “Do not know”, only knows for sure that do not believed anything from JW.

  Well, _Atlas, ones again thank you and like almost everyone said, I really need someone to talk and cry (A LOT, yes you know me) and you are doing this, THANKS!
• 

  apfergus

  I'm going to echo what some others have said that this is not your fault. You aren't responsible for the facts being what they are. So don't beat yourself up over a thing like that.
  I'll add, though, that I think the best way to move beyond something like the Watchtower is by exploring everything on your own and considering everything calmly and rationally. Even doing that you'll never find all the answers, but you will grow comfortable with uncertainty. It's not something that's easy for most people to do, I don't think, but taking the time to do my research and digest it with as little bias as I could was the best thing I've ever done.